To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

Now that is really cf behaviour. I absolutely would not pick up the cake. This would annoy me even more than not being invited to the Friday. And I certainly wouldnt ask for an explanation as to why I wasn't invited on Friday.

What you do depends on the outcome you want.

If you value the friendship group as a whole, I would be inclined to say go (but I would be very tempted to find a reason not to be able to collect the cake, incredibly cheeky of the host to request that after saying you didn't make the cut for the first night).

If you want your upset to be known, then of course you can decline and be as honest as you feel, but be prepared for this to change your dynamic not only with this woman but the dynamic of the group more generally. Which is of course, entirely unfair, but inevitable.

This would hurt and I would feel awkward going and pretending everything was fine. I would reply honestly:

That was a tough message to get. I have thought it through and I would feel awkward going just one night when the rest of the group is invited to the three nights. The hurt is my issue and I don’t want it to impact on your celebrations; so I think under the circumstances I will sit this one out. Have a fabulous weekend x

then I would back away from the friendship - it’s not what you thought it was.

I can't believe they have asked you to pick the cake up. They are being massively insensitive, don't let them take the piss out of you.
I would probably just say something has come up and you can no longer attend but you hope they have a great time.

I actually think that is the most awful thing I have heard and would make me think of binning everyone

The others in the group are quite happy you aren’t included on Friday as you are a convenience to be used

No way would I not be invited on the Friday and then take the cake to them on the Saturday.

Let them get their own cake.

As for only some of each group being invited. If that is the case then there is going to be several noses pushed out of joint and this 50th will mark the end of several friendships and friendship groups

She has sent you the text telling you you are not invited to the whole event and before getting a reply other “friends” in the group know about this and are asking you to do event errands they can’t as they are too busy enjoying the event……

fuck that

If they were my “friends” I would be having very honest words with them.

Getting way too invested in this but I wonder if birthday friend might have said to the others that you can't make it or something. Just because they all know you're not going, doesn't mean they all know you had been excluded from the invitation. Playground politics though, best not to overthink it.

I agree with this tbh

Whilst it is tempting to decline the whole thing and/or say something, it may be interpreted as you choosing to leave the group. So decide if that’s what you want.

As for the cake - maybe develop some other plans during Fri and Sat daytime which you’ll be coming directly from and therefore can’t bring the cake. Possibly this will happen fairly last minute so she has to scrabble for another cake solution 😈

OP has said:

'And I had a hen party of about 10 friends last month, and she came to that as well as to my wedding.'

That sounds like close friends to me. Also, OP's first husband, the father of her children, has died. OP has also said:

'And it’s also been a really hard road for my kids as their Dad died. So I’d appreciate them being included in the same way as others.'

So it sounds like OP has been through a very hard time and being the only one in their group of six being left out is very upsetting for her.

Well put.

Nah, that's like doing the desperate 'pick me' dance. The 'friend' has, for whatever reason, deliberately excluded OP. The wider friend group appear to know and are ok with it. Shitty behaviour from the lot of them. And all these people were at OP's hen do and wedding just a few weeks ago.

If I was OP I'd arrange something more fun than glamping for me and my kids to do that weekend (let's face it, just about anything is more fun than glamping) and find myself a new friend group.

Id answer her honestly and say you do feel hurt and left out, as every other member of the group has been invited to the Friday. Also say how you would feel joining after everyone else on the Saturday ? Hurt ? Excluded ? Not wanted? Just be honest - no need to spare her feelings etc as she hasn't spared yours. Sometimes people are just selfish and thoughtless - and you cant change that - but you dont have to agree with it - or make it ok for them.

Leaving just one person out of the group is simpling you! I definately would not be going on the Saturday. They will all be there talking about the night before and youll be there listening to it knowing you werent invited. No thanks! She sounds very mean! What have the other friends said about it?

Agree.

It’s highly unlikely to. Some people will just acknowledge they’re not as close to the host as others and be perfectly philosophical, others will be delighted to get out of camping for a weekend.

Please don't do this. If she cared she wouldn't have left her out.

Don't give yourself more opportunity to be hurt further. Its not you- or maybe it is but she should have been a grown up and told you rather than this nonsense so its still her.

Feel the sting, learn from it and move on.

I agree I don’t understand why people pointedly leave others out. I’d rather it be a squeeze than that. There are other times to see people individually.

"No worries [bitchface's name], I'll help you keep numbers down but not coming at all. Hope it pisses down and you get struck by lightening."

this answer nails it!

The thing is, even if she now turned around and said "Oh no, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings @ArcanaQueen, come along to Friday as well" would you want to go? I don't think I could, worrying I was not wanted.

I would decline the whole thing tbh.

Why doesn’t she pick up her cake on the Friday?

stupid cow. Poor planning

has she deliberately left you out so that you can gwt her cake for her?

Yep agree, it's awfully bad form. I don't buy this "be the better person" and put up with peoples shitty behaviour for an easy life, It just gives cheeky fuckers an excuse to walk all over you, she's not important enough to be invited for the whole thing but she's important enough to collect and drop off the cake, it's not on.

Nuts to that.
Dont go and dont pick up the cake.

Wow. You sound pretty unpleasant. I think that PP is right.

The dads arent close with her dh. Yet another reason!