My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Find someone else. He’s rude and thoughtless.

My partner and I also have very different sleep patterns. He goes to bed at one or two and gets up at ten or later. Once he suggested to me that I arrange with my work that I start at 11 so I could stay in step with him. Not possible, of course! He had a similar attitude to the OP - his way is the only way. Now, at weekends, I match his pattern, but I don't during the week.

Tell him he's boring not getting up when you do, and make sure you do wake him up and see what he says. If you respect his sleep pattern he should respect yours.

Not compatible

Ltb.

No I haven’t read all the posts. If he’s an arse and their lifestyles are not compatible, she should dump him. It’s not that deep

Sorry? That’s not my attitude at all. If I was having my way I’d be getting in bed around 10! But I really push myself to stay up till 11 with him.

I don't think it matters about the sleep times he has called you boring and pathetic. He sounds horrible. I would get rid and get back to doing what you want.!

If he's calling you boring after only a few months, I'd be showing him the door. This is supposed the be the lovey dovey honeymoon stage! Neither of you are wrong for your sleep patterns, but him treating you like this IS wrong.

Urgh! How can you find this specimen attractive, when he’s shown clearly that he isn’t interested in your wants or needs? All he wants is for you to accommodate him/his routine to your detriment, with no compromise from his side. The crappy cherry on the top of this shit-show of a “relationship” is when he verbally abuses and berates you when you don’t do what he wants, when he wants and look like you enjoy it. This isn’t the compromise of adjusting to new relationship and starting to build a life together - this is him being a bullying, abusive bell- end.

OP, you don’t need to justify your routine for us. What you DO need to do is dump this arsehole. In future, when a boyfriend calls you names, makes you feel less than or tries to manipulate you - immediate dumping, please.

So why go to the gym for so long every day? It's clearly too much for your system.

No I haven’t read all the posts. If he’s an arse and their lifestyles are not compatible, she should dump him. It’s not that deep

Agree- she should dump. He's behaving like a dick and clearly very boring himself if he thinks watching TV is the height of a fascinating life

He is trying to control and bully you into submission so you accept he your ruler, he is trying to mold you into his puppet. He can’t tolerate anyone having different views, opinions or routines that do not align with him. He isn’t willing to compromise nor does he care that shaming you into staying up later will make you feel tired and run down. He will use it as an excuse to stop you going to the gym. In a few years time you won’t dare voice an opinion on anything in case it displeases him or worse!

Clearly it doesn't if you are regularly close to crying with exhaustion.

LOL at the posters saying OP should change her routine and reduce her gym sessions so she can stay up late, watching TV with her “boyfriend”. They can bugger off as well 🤣

@tiredoldthing bin him off my love.

You're only dating and he is being so rude about your lifestyle. You are not compatible. This will only get worse if you let this get more serious. You do not need to stay up to please him or be seen as not "boring"

My husband and I have very different sleep schedules. He doesnt sleep much, I need 9/10 hours a night!

The difference is, he is totally cool with me sleeping when I want to sleep. I get a hug, a kiss and sent off to bed 😂. This is because he loves and cares for me and wants me to feel rested.

Your boyfriend is already showing you who he is. Please listen.

It's not about your sleep patterns. It's about how he's treating you. This will only get worse, you've not known him for long, end it.

Sounds like you've got a good routine, I wish I was enthused enough to get up early and gym or whatever before work, it always makes the day better. Staying up until 2 or 3 watching TV does not sound appealing to be honest. And berating you for your (healthy) choices after just 7 months probably suggests you're not compatible.

As pp have said your sleep patterns are not compatible. This shouldn't be an issue if you both make quality time for each other at other times. He is being completely unreasonable trying to get you to change and calling you names for not doing so. Why do you think you're putting up with this and trying to work out if you're unreasonable instead of telling him to fuck off

I said I could’ve cried last night.

As I’ve said, it works when I’m not with him because I can sleep a lot more.

Your evenings aren't free, though, are they, if you are too tired to do anything other than go to bed early.

Incompatible. Don’t waste any more time and find a better fit. Unless one of you can adapt. I was the night owl and now I’m more synced to my husband’s work schedule. You could gym after work or he could start gymming in the AM. But if neither wants to change to sync up, just go find someone you sync better with. In my 40s now and not finding “the one” until late 30s, I’m a big proponent of not wasting time if it’s just not working. Especially for young women because you end up throwing away your fertility window. Late 30s comes quickly and then you realize you may have missed out on having kids because you spent your fertile years wasted on some guy who wasn’t right and all the signs were there but you stayed anyway. Don’t waste time with a mismatch.

Me and DH have different sleep schedules. He’s a night owl, whereas I get up early. But everyone is different, no one is right or wrong and it absolutely doesn’t matter. What is a red flag is the way he’s talking to you. Calling you pathetic is horrible. You’re only 7 months into this relationship, this is meant to be the best time!! I’d walk away, if he’s been horrible now, what’s he going to be like in the future.

This

Why is everyone talking about “syncing” your sleep schedules? What’s this obsession with getting up and going to bed at the same time.

Yes, they are. I have a good 6 hours after work. I can go for a walk, a swim at the beach, come home and get things sorted that I would normally do at the weekend (so for example this weekend I have 0 washing to do because I did it all on Thursday and Friday), I’m frequently out after work for a meal or drinks. If I went to the gym after work, I wouldn’t be home until 7:30/8, and that’s when I lose out on time.