My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

It's not about your sleep patterns. DH and I have different sleep patterns. I need sleep way before him. He stays up watching films while I sleep. It's a non issue.

The problem is that a man is calling you names. Trying to change your lifestyle. That spending time with him is affecting your health because you are LETTING him tell you when you can go to bed. And a man thinks he has the right to tell you when you may sleep.

How does this work in the future. For him, you give up the gym, get up when he does, go to sleep when he does, do what he wants to do. Don't choose that for yourself.

This will only get worse. Bin him off.

You've only been together 7 months and he calls you names if you don't fall in line? On top of that through belittling your routine (which works for you and sounds healthy) he's trying to get you to act in what he percieves as the right way ie his way. Do you really want a life of this? Forget all this 'incompatible' labelling, he's just not nice.

He doesn't have the right to tell you when you're not tired, and should not be making you feel bad for how your body clock works. His nasty comments make him sound like he's shaming you to do what he sees as his normal, I'd be gone, he's trying to control you. He's had 7 months, I'd end it there.

His sleep pattern is fine for him, but his attitude isn’t.
i am the same as you, I’m up very early, dogs walked, horses sorted and home by 7.30 am. Every day, even weekends, I don’t enjoy a lie in.
my dh will be in bed till 9 ish.
all good.
it’s not your different sleep patterns that are the problem, it’s his terrible attitude towards you.
put the whole man in the bin.

I’m sorry but I don’t think this is really going to work long-term, unless you live apart. The insults as well - unless you are quite young, it’s not really appropriate to call someone childish and pathetic.

Ultimately you have different life priorities. You want to be fit and healthy (gym, proper sleep). Most adults get to a stage where they want to prioritise health and wellbeing sooner or later. ‘Feeling rested’ clearly isn’t a priority for him. Does he have a bad diet also by any chance?

Essentially, if I had a crystal ball 🔮, I can see that if you stayed with him, trying to live together, you’d soon feel tired, your immune system would drop, you’d gain weight due to lack of sleep and exercise, and age as well due to a lack of a good, healthy routine.

Is that really what you want for your future?

I’m usually in bed reading by 10 and asleep by 10.30. I need my sleep.
DH usually comes to bed around midnight.

I’d be furious if he ever called me pathetic or boring. If we’ve got plans then I’ll stay up but I’m not staying awake for the sake of it.

My ex used to wake me up early on purpose as he felt having a lie in was a waste of time. It was just one aspect of his controlling personality.

No wonder you're exhausted by Friday getting up at that ridiculous hour. However, you're not the only one. So I agree your body clocks just aren't compatible. Rr

If you have children with this man, I can see that you will be the one doing all the childcare as he will not compromise. Your routine is a bit early for most people but not that unusual - I am up at 6 every day as my dc also woke early and so I got used to it & it has become my routine. But staying up to 2/3 every night and waking at 8.30 - he would be the one that needs to change most post children, not you. Have you any thoughts on a future with him?

Controlling verging on the abusive, trying to make you stay up too late.

I used to be up at 5 when I had horses on different yards, working full time, I’d fall asleep in front of the Tv by 9. Pretty standard. Now, I can’t go past about 10. My DH just sends me off to bed, there’s no name calling because he’s not controlling or abusive.

This. The way he's talking to you is not ok. I’d be reconsidering my relationship with him tbh. Not over the timings (my DH and I are the same -minus the gym) but the way he speaks to you.

I’m naturally a night owl, my husband is an early riser. I think it’s easier to get up early than stay up late, so I switched to match him. Was useful with kids and I’ve stayed in that pattern. I now get up earlier than him, 5.30am. I did it because I love spending time with him. He tried to match me, but struggled.

It wasn’t hard.

He’s not your partner. You can do better.

I agree with all those who are saying it's his attitude that's the problem, not the sleep differences. After all, you aren't calling him a lazy arse and waking him up when you get up, are you? Because you are a ormal person and not an abuser.

I'll tell you how this progressed in the abusive relationship I was in. By the end, at the weekend, I was having to lie in until 2pm while he slept off his hangover. He would kick me if I moved about, or if he caught me reading a book or listening to the radio on headphones. It was torture.

At seven months in, this is the best he will behave in this relationship and he's calling you names - and his behaviour will only get worse, not better. He is showing you that this is the very best he can do - is it really good enough?

It is the end of the week , so you really should have been in bed and asleep instead of posting on MN in the early hours .

OP, to reassure you, your routine is the norm for many people. Where I work, a lot of people are up at 5.30/6.00 to be able to go to the gym / a yoga class / spin class.

Sadly I’m not one of them yet but it’s very disturbing to see people criticise such a healthy routine.

To quote a cliche, ‘early to bed, early to rise, makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise’.

Is it just women you patronise like this or men too?

I’m up at 5.30 everyday because that’s when I have to get up for work so I just continue it at the weekend so I’m not disrupting my schedule. It means I’m in bed for 10 sometimes 9 if I want to read longer. My DH has never moaned about this. I would be livid if he called me pathetic.

He says you are childish while he’s got the sleep pattern of a 15 year old? It’s him who needs to grow up, not you!

@tiredoldthing

are your evenings really free though if you’re too exhausted to do anything?

why not mix up your routine a little? Sleep in later some mornings, and go to the gym after work sometimes

Please dump him instead of making yourself exhausted and upset just to fit in with his thrilling lifestyle of, checks thread, sitting on the sofa watching TV...

Your routine works for you, he obviously doesn't!

Ok, I think this is key, and you need to sit him down and discuss this so he is aware of it- does he not get this? It’s horrible to hear you are almost in tears about tiredness over a selfish sounding man child. And yes, I agree that, unless he can compromise, you are essentially incompatible.

What are you and he doing til 2-3 am? Assume it isn’t nightclubbing or pubbing every night! Can you not do it together earlier?

Sleep is essential for well-being and health. As a woman, especially for you OP and your endocrine health, there is lots of research about this. People who have long term sleep deprivation have poorer health outcomes and higher risk of serious disease. You need sleep to recover from the gym (and to maintain progress eg recovery for muscle building).

How old are you both? I wonder if this is for him an immaturity thing and he could either change his routine and expectation a bit for you ? If not, then you have bigger issues around lack of consideration, commitment to a relationship and basic care for the other person. Are you not concerned how it would work longer term and if you children with him, for example?

At such an early stage, it should not be this hard. I would probably look to end it, tbh. Sounds like you’d be better with another gym person, better shared values and aligned priorities (and circadian rhythms probably!)

No dont do this
Just dump him

why not mix up your routine a little? Sleep in later some mornings, and go to the gym after work sometimes

I know you are trying to help OP but this is unhelpful. As someone very much like the OP with the same early body clock, saying "sleep in later" is impossible when you are an early riser.

I cant sleep in- my body wont let me, it always wakes up at about 5-5.30am. If I try to sleep in I just end up staring at the ceiling feeling frustrated and irritated. It's as pointless as saying to a night owl "just go to bed earlier!".

This ^^. Can you see the difference? ‘No name calling as DH is not abusive or controlling’. Kick him to the kerb OP, you can do better. And your health will.

Obviously if you get up at 5.40 you need to go to bed earlier than if you get up at 8.30.
He is very selfish (and a bit dim?) if he can’t see this. It doesn’t sound right that he called you “pathetic”.

Neither of you is wrong but these things are indicative - he doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere much in life since people with a bit of drive who want to do well in their careers don’t go to bed in the small hours on weeknights and sleep in till 8.30.

If you have children you will be FUMING with someone this lazy and not conscientious.

@User18713903

OP is not you though. She says she sets an alarm in order to wake up so early suggesting that if she doesn’t set an alarm she might be able to wake up later in the mornings and thus have more energy in the evenings