My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

Aww so did my gran & mum.
so true it mean you go to bed in the same day you got up.

How often does he use derogatory language to you and you accept it? Why do you? If my partner ever called me pathetic it would be immediately over!

What is really wrong is him trying to make you change to his preferred way of living, and calling you names when you don’t want to. Why would it be pathetic to go to bed if you’re tired? It would be more pathetic to stay up for the sake of it, or to please him

I would add that what is also pathetic is his inability to get his head round the idea that there are other valid ways to live, and that you have your own preferences. Very child-like.and immature.

His way of dealing with it, by calling you names, would also be pathetic if it wasn't so nasty.

Why are (or were) you doubting yourself here OP? His behaviour towards you is absolutely unacceptable.

It's not unreasonable to have different sleep patterns. What is unreasonable is him being mean to you about yours and trying to push you to do something you don't want to.

Mumsnet really needs a suitable reaction for people who post useless shit like this. She’s not the boring one, believe me.

There’s nothing pathetic about your sleep schedule, and it’s wrong of him to say so. 11 sounds late to me. If I have to be up at 5:30 then I’m in bed by 10, and that still doesn’t give a full 8 hours of sleep.

Does he work? His hours sound more like that of a student than a functioning adult.

I’ve already posted but came back to add that this is not about compromise, OP. The way this man talks to you is truly alarming and troubling. The fact he thinks it’s okay to talk to you like this means he is a bad partner for you and shouldn’t be in your life.

My DH and I used to have different sleep patterns (but not as different as yours), he has always been up super early and got even earlier as he’s got older where as although I wouldn’t go to bed too late, I would sleep as late as possible on a morning and want a sleep in on a weekend. If was never an issue as neither of us were rude to the other or called each other names. That’s the big problem here.

Since peri I’ve got much nearer his schedule and now get up at 5:45 to go the gym before work like you, but he can be up as early as 4:30 now!

He does, but he’s wfh. So he can be out of bed at 8:30, and ready to log on by 9. He’s done by 5:30, and has all evening to himself, plus an hour’s lunch.

I have an hours commute, so even if I followed his way I’d still be having to leave by 7:30-ish, and wouldn’t be home until 6:30-ish to account for public transport etc.

Incompatible, sorry. I am a lark like you. If someone told me that made me boring I would avoid them.

just live separately then you can please yourself. Next will be complaining you are too tired for sex. Your own space, your own sleep pattern. or just bin him and free yourself of his whining.

Neither are wrong. Just incompatible chrono types. You’re a lark. He’s an owl

Whats wrong is him insulting the OP and calling her pathetic. Thats very wrong.

OP, is being with him making you happy?

It doesn't sound like it.

You say he is not compromising and he is dismissing your feelings. - How is this making you feel? If you look forward in your lives how might this work out?

What about yours and his values? Generally are you aligned?

It sounds like you are caring more for him than yourself. I would suggest you bin him off and find someone more compatible and caring.

He is not treating you kindly or with respect - you deserve better . He sounds immature . Your good sleep habits will set you up well for the future .

My point was that I kind of agree with her DP feeling it’s boring to go to bed so early, having got up so early, because like him I’m an owl not a lark. Horses for courses. He shouldn’t be an arse about it, obviously, or disrespectful, unkind etc etc. But if they’re not compatible on this fundamental point of how to live their life, that’s not his fault and it’s not hers. It just is.

The problem is not your different sleep patterns, its the fact he ridicules and name calls you.

That is not ok and I can't believe anyone's response to his awful treatment of you is to tell you to change your routine. Talk about missing the point.

If you change to match his preferred routine he will simply find something else to attack.

You don't think he's wrong for pushing her into following his sleep pattern and telling her she's pathetic for wanting to sleep earlier?

I feel like you both have unusually extreme patterns, yours unusually early, his unusually late. They don’t work together very well. You will both likely have to compromise.

my husband and I are not compatible sleepers but in every other way are an ideal partnership. We work around it. I go to bed earlier sometimes and he’ll sleep in the spare room to avoid waking me up - and that’s cool. Sometimes I’ll go to bed a little later with him and accept that I’ll be a bit tired at work and need that extra coffee. But most importantly, we have so much in common and so much mutual respect that we actively want the othe to be happy and well rested. So we give and take and also accept that we won’t always sleep together. Only you know if there is enough here to keep going.

one thing my partner has NEVER said is that he wants me to stay later with him. He knows I need my sleep and is supportive of me doing whatever I need to to keep happy and healthy. Your partner doesn’t sound at first blush like he has your best interests at heart. Sleep is vital for most people but especially for some like you and me. You need a partner who supports that.

He IS being an arse about it though - did you read the OP's posts?

And watching TV isnt a particularly "exciting" activity 😆

OP is actually living her life and engaging in fitness which is far less "boring" than sat on the sofa every night watching tv

He is wrong to insult you & force you to stay up, when you get up early. I generally get up between 6 and 7am. 5:40 am feels early to me.

I tend to start winding down to go to bed between 8:30 and 9pm, and get to bed by 10pm, otherwise I'm a wreck. You need to start as you mean to go on, and insist that you need to get to bed at 10pm.

YANBU.

He sounds nasty and controlling.

He’d love me. I am in bed by 9 and up at 5. That’s how I roll because it’s always been the case. I’ll stay up later when needed.
I am sorry but this man is an arsehole. Dump.

And boring as well. Jim Royle vibes.

I just have to say that getting up at 5.40 to go to the gym really isn’t outside the norm and it isn’t extreme and it’s an amazing habit and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise. I would be deeply reflecting not so much on the sleep thing but more generally on the way you are being treated by your partner and whether this is going to work for you long term. My partner is always completely supportive of whatever time I choose to go to bed or any other decision i make.