My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

I’m not judging him, it’s just what he does. It might be out of the norm but it’s something that really does ground me and help my mental health

I’m retired and I get up between 5.45 and 6, to walk the dogs, and then go to the gym. OP I think your routine sounds great: it’s healthy, and it works for you. That’s all that counts.

Your boyfriend must have some redeeming qualities but they’re not apparent from your post. Belittling your (admirable, self-disciplined and healthy) morning routine, whilst he rolls out of bed at 8.30 to get to work at 9? He sounds like a lazy, selfish and pretty unpleasant teenager.

My husband and I have different sleep patterns. I’m more similar to you and he’s more similar to your partner albeit he would go to bed 12.30/1 (2/3 feels ridiculous to me and my husband would think the same)

it doesn’t cause any issues though as my husband respects that I’m tired and can choose to go to bed when I want. We spend time together before that so it’s not like he needs me to stay up longer.

your partner sounds controlling if he is dictating when you go to sleep

You’ve been with him 7 months and (quite rightly) don’t live together.

He is a boyfriend, not your partner - things are still too casual for him to be more. And thank goodness they are, as he sounds ridiculous, calling you pathetic because you have a different sleep schedule.

I suggest you make him your ex pretty quickly. He doesn’t sound compatible with you and your sleep. The fact he calls you names for this too is just mental.

Nope, throw this one back.

100% this
Sleep deprivation makes you easier to manipulate
@tiredoldthing
This will get worse, please stop thinking about the whys and just end this before you are stuck in an abusive relationship
Him insulting you is a very early bad sign of whats to come

This is the problem I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

He's disrespectful and unpleasant.

There's nothing wrong with having different sleep schedules but you accept it and accommodate it.

I am a "lark". Both my husbands were/are "owls". We compromise. Separate bedrooms works for us !

The fact that you like different sleep routines is a much smaller problem than him speaking to you like shit and belittling your choices. If he's like this after a few months together whatever will he be like in a few years.

You can do better.

I thought the same - not really sure how passively watching television every night is apparently amazingly exciting whilst getting off your arse and actually doing something is apparently "boring" 🙄 🤭

“Imadelight · Today 07:45
The fact that you like different sleep routines is a much smaller problem than him speaking to you like shit and belittling your choices. If he's like this after a few months together whatever will he be like in a few years.
You can do better.”

This with bells on. He doesn’t sound nice, OP. Your sleep patterns are as valid as his yet he seems to think you should adjust to suit him. Calling you pathetic is abusive and nasty. So - your sleep patterns probably make you incompatible but his way of talking to you about it means anyway that you should end the relationship.

The thing is he just doesn’t compromise. He never says “oh yeah let’s get an early night”, or anything like that. He’s almost angry when I suggest it.

I do think others are right and this has run its course.

I feel exactly the same about lie ins. The most I do is have my morning coffee in bed, but actually lying in bed just staring at the ceiling or sleeping actually stresses me out. I have more energy in the morning, so if I don’t use it on something productive or enjoyable for me, then I feel like I’ve wasted the day.

love going to the gym or walking the dogs super early when it’s so quiet outside - the early morning before everyone is awake is my favourite time.

Please do not allow this horrible man to control what works for you - trust me when I say, if you start bending to this, he will want you to change other things and one day you’ll wake up (probably around 10am 😉), as a shadow of your former self.

Same. Been married 20 plus years and he has never ever called me pathetic and childish for happening to have a different sleep pattern to him. There's sometimes a bit of gentle teasing about it being past by bedtime if I'm up beyond 11 but that's it.

If him staying the night means you are exhausted and upset because he's calling you names, it sounds like he needs to stay over a lot less

It sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible OP and that staying in this relationship will just make you miserable and exhausted. I would end it. It won't improve, particularly as he's also an abusive arsehole, calling you names and waking you up after you've gone to bed. You can do better.

Ignore that post OP- it's not on you to do all the compromising whilst he does none. He sounds like an abusive prick and you do deserve better.

I feel the same! It really gets me down

Yeah I don't get the post about compromise. It's him that won't compromise surely? The op let's this dickhead do what he wants sleep wise. He gets angry with her for trying to sleep the way she wants to. How is she the one not compromising?

Exactly- the OP isnt the one badgering him to change and insulting him when she doesnt get her way.

Compromise my arse. I wouldnt be compromising either with someone who was calling me names and treating me like crap

He’s a selfish, name-calling prick. Whether your sleep patterns are compatible is the least of your issues

Don’t listen to that poster, there’s nothing at all out of the norm about your routine. It’s not like you’re getting up at 2am - 05:40 is a perfectly normal time to get up.

He is being unreasonable. Not because he sleeps different times but because he calls you pathetic and boring for it. Your routine seems the normal routine for an adult. Midnight is pretty late.

Oh right not good. Well compromise runs both ways so he has to compromise as well. And also kindness. If you don’t feel he’s genuinely kind to you after 7 months together then that’s not a good sign.

It’s really not insane, and also what a useless post. People are different and have more energy at different times of the day. It’s not difficult to understand.

Me and my ex partner were like this, im an early bird theyre a night owl. Thing is i'd always compromise for them and theyd never compromise for me. He absolutely shouldnt be calling you names for what works for you. Youve got a great routine thats amazing for your body and mind and hes dissing it. Youre right, sleep IS important and if he doesnt care about that fine, but shouldnt impose that on you.

I personally find your discipline admirable and dont let any man make you feel otherwise. Plenty of people out there who will respect it and not try to take it away from you.

Of course you're not unreasonable. Many people get up early for different reasons (kids, work, commute, animals) and many people go to bed much earlier than you do. I usually get up earlier than you do to exercise before leaving for work at 7.30am.

What's really concerning about this is how your boyfriend is talking to you and his lack of respect and flexibility. It's not ok to call you boring and pathetic, it's mean and bullying.

He's pathetic. His attitude reveals an underlying inability to understand and respect that other people have different needs and wants from his own.

Try waking him up loudly at 5.40 every morning with music, curtains pulled, saying he is lazy and unfit and sleeping his life away when he should be at the gym with you. If he objects - point out if he wants you to respect his sleep pattern, he has to respect yours.