My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

[tiredoldthing]

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

She likes her routine though - she said it. She literally said her routine makes her happy.

Why should she have to change it for a man who calls her names and is rude to her? she also said she had plenty of free time in the evenings so the issue isnt free time in the evenings its that he is bullying her to go to bed late at the same time he does

@User18713903

i certainly don’t think she should change for a man.

I do however query what she says about waking up so early to workout means her evenings are free… they aren’t if she is so tired she could cry. She’s not be able to do and enjoy much…If she got invited out for dinner drinks whatever on an evening for example.

so my suggestion was to mix it up a bit … variety is the spice of life

Sure, but the OP isnt you either!- she said:

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

I really hate to have a lie in. I feel like I’ve wasted my day if I do.

Have you failed to read my posts?

I said I could’ve cried last night. ONCE. Because I was so tired last night and he was badgering me. I fell asleep shortly after that post.

I’ve said multiple times I go out and do a lot after work.

Your sleep schedule is totally normal. I’m the exact same. Set my alarm for 6 and usually wake up between 5.30 and 6. I like to sleep for around 10.30pm.

I also hate lie ins, they make me feel lazy and like I’m wasting time.

My DH is the same as yours as he also likes to stay up late and sleep in. He wouldn’t make me feel bad about my routines though, it’s very childish for him to call you pathetic when realistically the majority of adults are not regularly sleeping at 2/3am on weeknights.

yep! During the week I do tend to rise that early naturally anyway. Today I set my alarm for 8:30 and was awake by 7:30, no matter how hard I tried to go back to sleep I just couldn’t.

@tiredoldthing

well, maybe just dump him then? 😀

Sounds like you have a routine going which works for both your natural, usually inborn, sleep pattern and your own circadian rhythm. It allows you to fit in exercise and chores. He has a different body rhythm and that is okay.
Trying to live by a different rhythm doesn’t just make you tired it makes you feel ropey and, if you are a person to whom routine matters, it makes you feel out of control.
You may both be at the extremes of getting up times and could each begin to compromise a bit but it would need to be both of you. What is unacceptable is his wanting you to match him only and being rude when you don’t.

Yeah, people just arent getting it are they?

I think it's because they lie in easily so they just assume everyone can. I've tried lying in multiple times and it just ends up in me feeling irritated AF because I am lying there really trying to force myself to relax when I am bloody wide awake 🤣

That's also probably why you struggle so much with lack of sleep? I'm ND and when unmedicated I'm a teary nightmare even if I have an hour less than I need. My partner is a night owl like yours and similarly I have always needed to get up earlier, so I have always just gone to bed before he does. Is that not an option? It's easier for us because we have separate bedrooms.

Him calling you childish and pathetic are a major concern. In some ways, staying up late and lieing in can be argued to be the childish and irresponsible choice, but you're not judging him. My partner to this day cannot admit when he's tired and needs to sleep until he literally falls asleep in front of the TV. I think it's like a rebellion, trying to avoid sleep because sleep means work in the morning.

You should be with someone who cares about your needs and wants to support you when you're struggling instead of trying to make you into what they need.

Not only can I not sleep in, if I try to go to sleep too late it takes me forever to get to sleep. My brain has a deeply ingrained sleep pattern. 10.30-2.30, 4-6, with minor variations within a 30 minute window! If I went to bed at 2 I wouldn't go to sleep before 4. And would wake up at 6!

More than anything, the fact that he isn't willing to accept your needs without criticising you and work around them is the deal breaker here imho. We have the same difference in our relationship but we accept there's a difference and work around it - it's not a bone of contention at all - sometimes we sleep in a different room so an not to disturb each others sleep late at night - sometimes sneak back into bed in the morning with a cup of tea and a hello cuddle on a non-work day. He sounds like a slacker rolling in to work half asleep while you sound driven and committed to routines that are good for you - that would cross my mind. So yes imho - this inability to make things work for both of you could be a deal breaking issue - I'm sure there are more considerate partners out there.

He is being unreasonable. He can live as he wishes but to resort to name calling, ‘pathetic’, ‘boring’ ‘childish’, and sound ‘angry’ and ‘not care’ if you are tired are not the signs of a mature adult. He’s not trying to understand or discuss to find solutions but rather make you feel bad so you do what he wants. That’s the reason to end it. Sometimes things can work brilliantly between people who are really different but this needs respect, kindness and communication. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. To me the way this guy is behaving is not someone who will contribute positively to your life as he doesn’t have the skills to work through something to reach solutions. And more than that, his default mode is words that put you down.

Yes!! It doesnt matter how late I go to bed, I still wake up mega early. So frustrating.

On the plus side, I havent used an alarm clock since the 00s

@tiredoldthingIMHO there are two separate things going on here. A practical side with you having different sleep patterns, and a more worrying side with him not respecting you are tired and calling you pathetic (!).

On sleep patterns: do you have another bedroom? If your sleep patterns are this different, you should sleep separately. I have to with my DH. It’s so unhealthy to deal with long term sleep deprivation

It is a major red flag IMHO that he calls you pathetic for being tired. I dated someone abusive and was afraid to show I was tired because he would give me shit for it. When I started dating my DH and I explained I felt guilty because I was tired, and he said “why would you feel guilty? That’s like saying you need oxygen to breathe”. I then realised it is completely acceptable to need to sleep earlier etc

You like to seize the day and use the mornings? Great. Nothing has to be wrong with you for that and if it’s how you are, it’s how you are

If he calls you pathetic or disturbs you going to sleep by 11:00 pm., ask him whether he would like you to wake him every morning at 6:00 am.
You have very different sleep patterns.

Idea .. Try going to bed by 9:30 pm each week day night. This might help you stay awake until midnight on a Saturday or Sunday. And your partner could wake up at 7:00 am for two weekend day mornings so that he is more tired by nightfall and happy to go to bed at midnight on weekends.

You are very rigid with your timetable. There could be some compromises which others have suggested but you don't want to do that eg. going to the gym a couple of nights instead of the morning so you can have a lie-in with him. I can understand your reasoning for not wanting to do this and that you are a morning person. I'm a night owl like your DP and I can tell you from experience that it really doesn't work when two people are opposites when it comes to sleep. You, and others are saying that he should change and he doesn't want to compromise but the same applies to you. Neither of you are actually wrong, you just aren't compatible so I think you should split because otherwise your entire life is going to be like this....

So what are you going to do, @tiredoldthing ?

Your sleep schedule is not the problem. The problem is that he thinks he can dictate it.

I am up at 5:30am every morning. I drink a cup of coffee and go to the gym before work.

I am tucked up in bed by 9:30pm, and sound asleep by 10pm.

My husband keeps slightly different hours. My sons do as well.

But my sleep/exercise/work schedule is mine. And I will prioritise my good mental and physical health, because it matters.

Neither of you are wrong??? 🙄

So, you think he is justified in called the OP "pathetic" and "boring"? you think him insulting her is a completely appropriate/mature way of dealing with this difference?

For those saying going to the gym early every morning is weird, it really isn't! Some people prefer to do their workout in the morning (regardless if that's before work or not) because they generally have more energy. Others prefer to go to the gym straight after work.

It's actually not good for us to lay-in at weekends, it's better for sleep patterns to get up the same time regardless if it's during the week or weekends. However, most of us like a lay-in at the weekend, so it's more common than not that we'll take an extra hour or two in bed!

There's nothing wrong with your sleep pattern OP. I'm up at 6.30 am during the week, so like to be in bed by 10 pm. If my husband goes in the office, he's up at 5.40 am and he likes to be in bed by 9.30 pm. Yes, at the weekend, we do have a lay-in, but are usually awake by 7.30-8 am, because for us that is a lay-in!!

Your partner is having nearly another 3 hours sleep per day than you, so yes, it's easier for him to stay up later! Also as he WFH, he has no commute to/from work, which makes a difference. To call you pathetic is rude and not very nice. You clearly do things after work....socialising with friends, chores etc, so you're not sat on your arse every night exhausted!

You've only invested your time with this man for 7 months, and it sounds as if you're incompatible. Cut your losses and end the relationship.

Never, ever, stay in a relationship with a man who calls you pathetic and boring, is unable to compromise, and gets angry when you suggest it.

This is not about incompatible sleep patterns.
This is about you being in a relationship with a selfish dickhead who has no respect for you and is insulting you and getting angry just because you don't comply with what he wants.

End it.
Never lower your standards for any man.

If that's how he speaks and treats you only 7 months in then this is going to get alot worse and you will find yourself in an abusive relationship. Cut him loose.

He Needs to GO.

your health and happiness are better when he's not in your life. Your routine is not abnormal and it works for you.

Don't waste your years being put down by someone who doesn't care about you. Enjoy your life as a lark while you can. I used to but health issues have meant I no longer can. I'm not well I suffer from insomnia blah blah. Don't waste your younger healthier happier years on someone who calls you pathetic for simply having a healthy routine!!

💕

Tbh you both just sound a bit silly... people are different, can a lark and an owl be in a relationship? Of course, you just need to understand and respect the other person's needs. I am a night owl (though much less so since having kids) and at first I did scoff that my partner started getting ready for bed at 10pm every night like clockwork but I was being a twat and got over it.

ETA though he should not be calling you pathetic etc., read him the riot act for that.