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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want the huge pile of girl baby clothes generously donated by dh's colleague?

157 replies

ruthosaurus · 25/06/2008 16:21

What a nasty, shallow heel of a woman I am - DH's colleague gives us 3 bags and a box for our unborn child (20 weeks today) and it makes me cry because they're so awful...

It's just that I'm not really into pink/Disney/slogans like "if you think I'm cute you should see my daddy" and tbh most of the stuff is worn, bobbly, stained or all 3. Also, I thought you weren't supposed to give kids second-hand shoes (unless actually pretty much unworn)?

DH is a v frugal Yorkshireman, bless him, so has coaxed me into sorting through and keeping some (like, a bin-liner full), before we return the rest so she can ebay it, but I don't LIKE the stuff we chose and feel bad for not letting her just ebay the bloody lot. Being guilt-wracked by all angles of this situation, I have written her a card thanking her for her gift.

He feels that we'd be daft to waste money on new stuff and that this is a gift from heaven.

I feel that I don't want to put my baby into worn-out, pink stuff with bloody Tigger all over it and that there is a faint possibility that relatives may give the baby clothing gifts as well.

We do already have a second hand baby alarm and car-boot high chair, and my mate is selling us a v cheap cot, and I'm wearing a maternity dress I bought on ebay - it's just these particular second hand things I don't like.

Plus, we don't even know we're having a girl. Not that it matters to a newborn baby, but I'm sure the bairn will, if a boy, just LOVE seeing photos of him wearing a "mummy's little princess" sleepsuit in years to come.

AIBU?

OP posts:
taliac · 26/06/2008 10:59

Just to answer the somewhat sarky posters who are objecting to the OP and those of us who think she is NBU.

Come on, no one is saying recycling clothes is bad, I for one buy a lot from ebay / take stuff off friends / pass things on. But surely its every Mum's right to dress their baby or child to their own taste! Its not about the second handness of these clothes shes been given, its about the OP not liking them! And in that she is very much NBU.

You get tons of enjoyment as a new mum from dressing your baby and having him/her look nice, and that is just as it should be.

LazyLinePainterJane · 26/06/2008 11:23

I agree, taliac. Ds was dressed almost exclusively in second hand/passed down clothes. This doesn't mean that I didn't care what he wore. I was still allowed to have an opinion or like certain style clothes. recycling clothes and buying from charity shops doesn't automatically mean that you will take what you can get and not care what they look like. Liking the clothes you dress your child in and reusing are not mutually exclusive.

halogen · 26/06/2008 11:49

I was delighted to get secondhand stuff for my daughter but I was only prepared to accept things that I actually liked and thought we would use. That's not unreasonable, that's completely normal! Secondhand stuff can be nicer than new sometimes - if it's been washed lots it can be beautifully soft for a new baby.

And GreenMonkies is quite right, people give you all kinds of new tat when they are born too, even if you specifically ask them NOT TO. When we got given lots of pale pink stuff that I loathed and that didn't suit my daughter at all, I went out and bought some Dylon machine dye in black, turquoise, bright red, emerald green and dark purple and dyed the lot. She looked gorgeous, the stuff got used and the givers were none the wiser (they were people I actually didn't know and had never met and still haven't - my other half's family is weird). I sent them all a picture of my daughter and a note to say thank you and everyone was happy.

timewaster · 26/06/2008 20:22

My ds clothes are currently pink because of a washing machine accident. maybe I should get some of that dylon!

halogen · 26/06/2008 20:43

You can get colour run stuff that you put in the washing machine to remove accidental dye, timewaster. But I'd highly recommend the Dylon option; people were always asking me where I'd got the clothes and saying how nice they were.

2point4kids · 26/06/2008 21:02

OK I have the opposite problem here...
I have lots of stuff that I wont use again and that DS2 has outgrown and I cant bring myself to sell on or give away to charity just yet...
Have been saving it in case my sister or a close friend gets pregnant.
Sister is now pregnant and I want to give her all my lovely things. I've only saved the nice/good condition things (moses basket, bouncy chair, clothes, carseat etc)
I'm quite worried though that she will want to get things herself with this being her first..
How can I avoid it looking like I am dumping stuff on her when I actually just want to save her some money and for my nice things to go to a good home?

timewaster · 26/06/2008 21:25

Just ask her 2point4 and say what you said on here.
When my brother and his wife were expecting their dd they turned to me and said.... 'baby is due in 2 months and we haven't got anything, when are you going to give us all the baby stuff?'
I had assumed that because they are a bit better off than us that they'd be off shopping with abandon, but they both have the same practical attitude as us and don't want to waste money on things that will only be used for a very short time.

halogen · 26/06/2008 21:27

Well, maybe just say that? I got a moses basket, a pram, a cotbed, loads of clothes and a bouncy chair from various friends. I honestly didn't think they were dumping, I was delighted. They must have saved me literally hundreds of pounds, maybe a thousand or more if I'd spent lots on all those things. I guess you know if your sister is likely to be offended or not want secondhand things? If she is, why not Freecycle them or put on eBay with no reserve. At least that way you know they are going to a good home!

I offered our carseat and moses basket etc to friends but they didn't want them. Fair enough. If I don't get pregnant again I will freecycle or put them on here in the free topic.

timewaster · 26/06/2008 21:27

like your idea lucicle, think will go to wilkos tomorrow. and don't I also need to buy huge bags of salt?

timewaster · 26/06/2008 21:28

like your idea lucicle, think will go to wilkos tomorrow. and don't I also need to buy huge bags of salt?

HonoriaGlossop · 26/06/2008 21:37

ruthosaurus, YANBU - but I just keep getting a sneaky picture of you when your baby is, say, 12 weeks old and you've got the flu, or mastitis or something, and you've been on your own for ten hours of the day, and the baby has got a virus and sickness and diarrhoea, and you can barely lift your head but you have to change baby for the twentieth time that day due to vomiting etc etc, believe me you will put that baby in what comes to hand and you will not even notice whether it is pink and has tigger on

Sorry to be the voice of doom

But I do see where you're coming from, honest! My SIL was poised to give me all her girl babt clothes for my first; thank GOD it was a boy

halogen · 26/06/2008 21:37

Yes, 500g salt per box of dye, I think. Dishwasher salt is cheap or the big bags of table salt.

ravenAK · 26/06/2008 21:37

I know of a Moses basket that's currently on its 7th occupant (my mate's dd, my ds, dd1 & dd2 alternating with other mate's ds & dd, now slept in by SIL's ds).

Bouncy activity centre & play gym mat thingy ditto.

Far more fun stuff to spend your money on!

Am liking dylon idea. Still getting bombed with pink babygros for dd2 from distant in-laws, despite the fact that with 2 previous dc we have babygros a go go & hate chuffing pink! They mean well...

SalVolatile · 26/06/2008 21:54

Ruthosaurus, I haven't read all the posts other than yours so apologies if I say what someone else has said.... you are NOT a nasty shallow heel of a woman, you are pregnant. That is why this is a big deal for you, I promise. Put the gifts in a bin liner in a cupboard and worry about them later. You can add all the odd knitted items, muti packs of bibs and all the other stuff you will get given to the pile. You are right: you don't know the sex of your baby. Also, as a new mum I bet you imagine it in white, clean clothes you have tenderley cared for yourself. That is fine - most if not all of us have done that too! Later you will be washing football kit, but that's a whole other story, my love!. The giver didn't mean to trample on your idea of what this baby will need or have, she was just offloading in a way that helped her and she thought might help you. Take it in that spirit and put it away. As I said, your reaction is pretty normal, and your baby will be perfect in your eyes whatever you end up dressing him or her in.

Heated · 26/06/2008 22:18

I'm with the OP on this one. I can't imagine dressing a nb in clothes that personally I did not like. Bonding with your baby is all important, you feel emotionally delicate at that time and you don't want unpleasant thoughts marring that.

Preloved clothes are great if you pick them yourself, like at a car boot or charity shop. I pass on dd's clothes that are in immaculate condition to SIL & she picks and choose what she likes, I know our tastes to be different & there's no offence if she gives stuff back. But heavily worn or marked stuff goes in charity bags. Imo you need to know how ppl feel about using very worn clothes, some think they make great play clothes, others would feel taken aback at being given them.

SlartyBartFast · 26/06/2008 22:26

reading this reminds me of some neighbour who turned up one evenign with 2 bin bags of her old clothes, for me just give what you don't want to charity were her parting words!!

well, thanks a lot, i saved you a trip to the charity shop yourself didnt i?

eventually i think i gave her baCK THE bags minus one or two items

but a baby is different and they do grow out of them so quickly, you could take more out than you actually want, just to make her feel good! i hated throwing baby clothes, actually i am like that with all clothes now

sleepycat · 26/06/2008 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrietTheSpy · 27/06/2008 01:25

Havne't read all posts, but I know what OP means about feeling like, was it more convenient to park at our place or Oxfam? I had a friend doing a massive clear out (admitted as much) who wanted to know when she could come over and leave her sons' clothes for us. We didn't even know what we were having at that point! We have no extra room either and I didn't feel the need to take her up on the offer.

On the other hand when DD was born a month early i was super super grateful for another friend's offer to drop small sized girlie baby clothes over to us.It's not all my taste, but considering we aren't planning more DCs at this point and they grow so fast, it was a great offer.

Weegiemum · 27/06/2008 01:35

I honestly don't think that what you dress yout baby in affects bonding!!! (heated)

The majority of women worldwide have NO option as how to dress their baby, yet they manage to bond just fine. I cant imagine being handed my baby dressed in a tigger suit and saying "uuurgh, no, I can't bond with a child dressed like that!!!!" (and I had severe, hospital treated PND with big bonding issues.

Saying clothes make that much difference is just being precious. I would rather my baby was in 2nd hand, recycled clothes than some thing new from a sweatshop to keep up with fashion (and before anyone jumps on me, my children either wore 2nd hand or fair trade - and still do!)

Weegiemum · 27/06/2008 01:35

I honestly don't think that what you dress yout baby in affects bonding!!! (heated)

The majority of women worldwide have NO option as how to dress their baby, yet they manage to bond just fine. I cant imagine being handed my baby dressed in a tigger suit and saying "uuurgh, no, I can't bond with a child dressed like that!!!!" (and I had severe, hospital treated PND with big bonding issues.

Saying clothes make that much difference is just being precious. I would rather my baby was in 2nd hand, recycled clothes than some thing new from a sweatshop to keep up with fashion (and before anyone jumps on me, my children either wore 2nd hand or fair trade - and still do!)

xlr8 · 27/06/2008 01:43

I ahve just read the op and think that yabu, because if this person is anything like me , then my fb clothes were quite precious to me, and only given to those that I thought would appreciate them.
If you are not happy with them , then send them to a charity shop. It's not hard. Just say thnk you to the person that gave them......

notcitrus · 27/06/2008 12:22

My lovely neighbours asked if I'd like some baby clothes 'to save them going all the way to Oxfam'. I ended up with 2 bin-liners packed with girly but mainly OK clothes, some stained.

I've now experiemented a bit with Dylon and purple dye on pink-decorated clothes works very well. And dye hides the stains, too!

But our families are all frugal/eco types, so it was assumed that most stuff (including gifts) would be second-hand. I met SIL's mum for the first time a few months back (SIL about to give birth), and the first thing she said was "I just found a cot on Freecycle and said you'd drive over and pick it up as we don't have a car". Lovely cot, fortunately. OtherBIL's advice was not to buy anything at all until 7 months preg, "as that's when everyone starts giving you stuff" - we're now organising how his 3-6 months age stuff gets sent to us to use!

I've also got about 3 friends lined up to give stuff to after Squirmy grows out of it. I might get sentimental about a few clothes but not the vast majority of it.

Litterbug · 27/06/2008 12:28

I would be grateful!

OrmIrian · 27/06/2008 12:40

I agree with the OP in a sense.

I think that some people tend to use a new baby as an excuse to offload all their old stuff without sorting it out first. When I was expected DS#2 this happened twice: 1. my SIL chose that time to empty her loft so we got everything she ever had for her DS - incl a cot and a pram which we already had. 2. Neighbours emigrating to Oz did the same two weeks later.

I have no problem with second-hand clothes - most of my DC's clothes are 'pre-owned' . But there is a fine line between helping someone out and using them as an easy disposal option.

artydeb · 27/06/2008 13:04

YANBU But! I think Honoria has a point - and if they range up to over 12 months painting and sand + water and all the other messy stuff tends to ruin stuff/ need frequent changes. So i'd advise sticking the bag in the loft, hand it back if you have a boy anyway otherwise some things may come in useful. Also - do the seasons tally? If not there's a ready made excuse for DH - no good a jumper in July (we hope).