AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

No. Make a stand now. These threads are peppered with women and have lent something beloved to them and it’s been damaged or never returned - there was a brand new Dyson Airwrap one a couple of years ago which was mind blowing.
This girl is looking for a dress for a birthday party.
Your daughter has an expensive dress which good for her she wants to rewear. It will have all sorts of special memories for her. She may even keep it for her own daughter.
What is with all these CFs at the moment? Demanding lifts, rides on horses, special dresses and getting others involved.
I have always had lovely clothes (it’s my thing) and everyone who knows me knows not to ask. After a few things went missing in my younger years it’s a no.
Dresses are everywhere now - go on ASOS, Vinted, the sales.

One on another thread has a couple demanding a free holiday! And the op being berated by virtue signallers for not providing it! You couldn’t make it up.

Neither you nor your daughter need to justify the decision about loaning the dress. The 18 year old does not need an expensive dress that she cannot afford to replace if it gets damaged. There is absolutely no reason why she cannot borrow a cheaper dress, rent a dress, or buy a fabulous dress at a reasonable price from Mango/Zara. You can even find lovely stuff in places like Primark. 18 year olds look fab in everything.

Because the be nice crew have arrived
They tell you that you must be nice and squash down your perfectly valid feelings for others

The OPs dd doesn't want to lend her dress, that's it, end of. Nobody should be made to feel bad because they don't want to lend their belongings to someone else.
The kind of people who think it's ok to pressure someone to lend them their stuff when they've already said no, will never look after it. They don't value anything, they just want a free ride in life.
Asking once is ok. Continuing to ask when told no, is not ok.
I personally wouldn't lend anyone my clothes whether they're expensive or not. I don't want to and that's a good enough reason. It doesn't make the OP or her dd bad people because they have boundaries. There's always someone on here encouraging other women to be doormats - at least the majority seem to be against it though.
How can it ever be ok to bully someone into lending you their clothes for goodness sake?

This. It doesn't matter if she will wear it again or not, if it cost 5p or a million quid. Its her dress and she gets to say whether she will loan it or not. As someone upthread said, we are back to the "be kind" brigade here.

Tell the family, the kid’s still got time to learn to sew her own bloody dress.

I can’t believe the number of CF posters telling OP she should lend the dress out although I suspect they’re the type to do the borrowing and ruining, rather than lending!

It's a £500 dress!

Not a pair of earrings from Claire's!

You’ve said no so that’s the end of it.

In our family and friendship circles lending and borrowing stuff happens quite often. Fancy bag that someone isn’t going to use again but would like to borrow, nice watch, pair of boots etc, gets loaned and returned.
Don’t think we’ve ever not gotten anything of high value back tbh.
the things I never get back are crappy paperback books!!
My world is made nicer by my community around me, I’m happy to lend personally but you’ve made your decision and they should respect that.

Its hot, I'm sad/shocked about Anne Widdecombe's murder. Apologies if this isn't helpful.

How much would it cost to insure the dress for the 18th birthday party? Would the relative be willing to pay that amount of insurance? If so they have the budget to hire or buy. If not presumably your insurance wouldn't cover it.

This is not to suggest your DD should lend the dress. Apart from anything else, depending on the dress, it's a bit like lending underwear.

Perhaps all the relatives harassing you would like to contribute to a GoFundMe for the party goer to hire something (as she wants to borrow an expensive dress and it definitely won't get ruined). If you were feeling generous you could match what she puts in herself.

I would have lent it to her for a prom, but definitely not for an 18th birthday party. I think it's much more likely to be ruined there.

Nonsense. If the dress is damaged then they can't afford to replace it. No absolutely don't lend it.

this 100%

No, I wouldn’t lend the dress out. I’d also stick with my Daughter’s wishes, and would not be persuading her. The amount of replies telling you to loan the dress out, are probably from CFs.

Your dd is right.

Years ago when I was traveling in Australia and at a loose end I wandered into a boutique shop and got chatting to the owner. She asked me to try on a new dress so she could photograph me in it. It was stunning, absolutely stunning. I fell in love with it and asked the price. It was 200 pounds and this was twenty five years ago. I had about 250 left in my bank account. I bought it and brought it back to our hostel and my very perplexed boyfriend. I had nowhere to wear it.

A year later I flew home to my cousin's wedding and wore the dress. I have only one photo of me and I love it so much - I remember exactly how I felt, beautiful, excited, happy and sad all at once.

The dress went another few places before my dickhead then friend appeared asking to borrow it for an event. I said no, that if something happened she would have to replace it. She scoffed she wouldn't be flying to Australia so I corrected she would have to replace with a similar dress.

The dress was returned - actually I'm pretty sure I went and collected it when she didn't bother. On inspection she had smoked dope in it and hot rocks had burned little holes in it. It was filthy and had deodorant stains.

She never replaced the dress, there was lots of eyerolling and vague plans to 'repair' it. I was invited to choose a dress from her sister's 'amazing' collection (all the wrong size and not my style at all).

Never again. Tell your daughter she's more than entitled to say no. I wish I had, not really because of the dress but because the feeling of being bullied stayed with me.

You win mumsnet. Congratulations 🎉🎉🎉🎉
And I'm sure that when you sing, woodland animals scamper towards you eager to do your housework. Stay away from old women offering you rosey red apples

Step away from the wine……

This thread had me wondering….am I being weird? Is it because I have quite a lot of nice stuff that I’m not too bothered about lending things? But then you say you’ve sold quite a few expensive dresses, so I think not…..

Yes

I can see both points of view. From their side you are wealthy, your relative can't afford nice things, she wants to feel special for one night etc and it's now second hand and as far as they are concerned it will be returned back to you in the same condition so what's the harm plus in their mind you can afford to buy your daughter lots of dresses (you said in a post you've sold a few designer dresses on vinted).

From your position, it's very expensive, you don't want to risk it getting ruined and your daughter doesn't want too so that's the end of it.

I have 4 sisters so I'm used to lending things (& yes not getting things returned or ruined). I also grew up with our cousins giving us their old clothes. We didn't have much growing up and I know how hard it is seeing your peers have lovely things and feeling left out (embarrassed even).

I did lend my very expensive guitar out a few times to a friend and he obviously didn't take care of it and it came back with a huge crack in it. It cost a fair bit to fix and he said he would pay for it but he never did. 😔 That was a lesson learned. If it's something you really love with sentimental value then it is a big risk.

It is reasonable for her to ask to borrow it and it would be a lovely thing to do but it is also reasonable for your daughter to say no, you don't feel comfortable doing so. It is unreasonable however for your relatives to make you feel guilty about it.

This annoys me so much. It’s not just about it being ruined, it’s your daughter’s dress, its hers, it’s new and why on earth would she want her cousin / family member wearing it so soon?

Assuming both the girls are on social media and upload pictures I just wouldn’t want to have spent £500 on a dress, whilst another girl gets to wear it for free.

Not sure how the texts have gone, but this is why it’s so important to shut this cheeky fuckery down from the off. She should have said she’s wearing it to an event on the same evening.

I had a friend wanting to borrow a white silk dress for the night before her wedding, but I had bought it for my engagement and just didn’t want to lend it. It was special to me. It cost a bomb, it was delicate and could easily be wrecked, but most importantly… Buy your own! Fortunately the wedding was around Christmas time and I said I needed it for a ball. I’m an honest person but I have no qualms about telling lies for things like this. I really enjoy my clothes, I don’t want others wearing them. I had a colleague (who earned way more than me) asking to borrow some Reiss black trousers once. They’re black trousers! Buy your own! I lent her some Topshop ones, never got them back.

WHY would she need to ask any of those?

It's HER dress, she can do whatever she wants with it, why on earth should she be made to lend it (give it.) to someone?

I only ever would lend something I didn't care about that much. I have some very nice things and the only person I would lend them too is my DD or my sister and even then - well they are not borrowing my Birkin ;)

It is fine to say no.

My DD attends a boarding school and their wardrobes are pretty much communal but even then there is a code - you don't borrow 'precious or expensive' items - it is just not the done thing.

Did you lend it to a teenager to wear to an 18th birthday party?