AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Yeah me too. I'm also not a particularly materialistic person either. Don't get me wrong. I still do have nice things.
Questions op should ask dd
1.Will she wear it again
2.Is it going to be framed
3.Will it become an heirloom
or will it just sit in a wardrop for her to occassionally gaze at.

Just one no and then ignore.

I have suggested charity shops, vinted or just a cheaper dress.

We have our own children to provide for so I’m not buying her a dress or giving money. We could afford it but it’s not our responsibility and I definitely don’t want to go dress shopping for someone else’s daughter.

I would tell your relatives that it's not the young person that you don't trust, it's the other party goers that might ruin it and if you still get pushback, suggest that they all club together to get her a dress.

There's some absolute mugs on here or is this rage bait?!!

Surely no one lends stuff out to other people like posters suggest on here...

Theyve had years to save for a dress. My daughter had a beautiful one for less than £100 from Stacees online. Why should the OPs DD have to lend her dress out. People need to stop expecting others to help them and buy their own. I can't believe this thread...

No wonder so many posters come on moaning about having the p took out of them, they let them and don't know how to stand up for themselves.

My mother took it upon herself to lend a ballgown, which was designed and paid for by me, to a relative when I wasn't there.

I never saw it again and I haven't forgotten.
I never even got a thank you.

Your daughter shouldn't have to lend her clothes to anyone unless she actually decides she wants to without anyone trying to make her feel bad.

She has already wore it again after prom.
She will wear it again.
She may keep it forever, it’s her dress.
She may like to look at it.
When/if she decides she doesn’t want it anymore, she can sell it and make some money, which she can’t do if it gets ruined.

If it was a cheaper dress, maybe. But it would be galling to lend a £500 dress and get it back damaged in some way. Just don't.
Why invite trouble, as my gran would say. It would cause a lot of bad feeling.

Id just want to tell the parents she's waay too fat for it. Marjorie Dawes style.

When I was growing up I was taught never to lend anyone anything unless I was happy to never see the thing again. You can’t expect it back, you can’t expect any money for it - people can really surprise you. Of course they wouldn’t intend to ruin it, but it can’t be guaranteed that they won’t. Who needs to wear a £500 dress for a birthday party anyway?

No, OP, I wouldn’t lend it. I’m shocked how pushy they’re being about asking for it tbh. They should go and buy the nicest dress they can afford. I’ve never owned a dress that cost £500 or worn one, and it hasn’t done me any harm!

great The Op can put you in contact and you can lend one of yours

Dresses can very easily get damaged by drinks/ getting caught on things etc so your daughter should absolutely not lend if she would be upset if it’s damaged and wants to wear it again.

you need to tell the other family members to back off.

All valid choices for her. As an aside, it’s not a Hermes bag, it is a prom dress, it’s second hand value will be very minimal. Making money from it really won’t happen.

YANBU

There are some charity shops that seem to be stocking dresses suitable for Prom events. The person could get one from a local charity shop. Also ages ago a parent set £10 as a limit on eBay and let her teenager choose the style and colour of dress so it can be done. The person in my reckoning will look after a dress if it is her own rather than a borrowed one. I have had some lovely dresses from vinted for round a fiver. I don't wear dresses very often so I am not prepared to pay very much for them. For my Mum's 90th party last year my dress was £3 from Vinted and comments were I see you did buy an expensive dress in the end so I just agreed and said It was a small fortune without a doubt. A cousin quietly said I see you didn't go to a charity shop for that dress. It was designed by the man who used to do Star outfits at Debenhams and endless numbers of people thought I had spent a lot. I still smile when I wear that dress as no doubt it was expensive originally. As your daughter loves her dress I would say Don't lend it out. There are ways round the expense. I saw a mum recently telling her 2 daughters that if they chose a dress each for their Prom she would buy it as long as it was from the charity shop.

Not unreasonable at all. She can just wear a dress her family can afford or a dress she already owns.

It's not. Men do it with cars and laptops etc, just most men wouldn't have a dress, no shade at any that do.
OP, tell her she can get perfectly nice dresses for £25 online. It's true. I would say you could just look for one in a similar style/colour for that price and give it to her, but then why should you when they're being so rude?

Prom dresses don’t hold their value, but It’s not a prom dress. It’s just a dress by a designer and I’ve had some expensive dresses that I’ve sold for a decent amount

IF she chooses sell it, she’ll can choose an amount she’s happy to sell it for, or keep it, or maybe she’ll give it to a charity shop. It’s her dress. She doesn’t need the money for it, she just wants to be able to wear it when she wants at the moment.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5551253-people-expecting-lifts?page=12&reply=153400307

Your thread made me think of this one,more people being generous on behalf.of the OP but it actually wanting to do anything themselves. I
As PP said suggest the flying monkeys all chip in to buy a dress if they are so keen for the girl to have a posh frock for the party

I saw prom dresses in a charity warehouse yesterday. She needs to look around.

No, that's not what I meant. I was responding to a reply someone else had given. A poster had said they WOULD lend an item, but if the person borrowing it ruined it and didn't replace/pay for it they'd end the friendship. The reply was questioning that they'd really end a friendship over it. I was pointing out that actually they'd then have lost both the item AND the friend, which I think is too high a risk to take. Better to just not lend things that are precious to you in the first place.

Some people are just CF.

When I was at high school (Scotland) I got a new coat. One of the girls in my class immediately demanded that I loan it to her to wear to a party.

It was a nice coat, but not actually the kind of coat you'd wear en route to a party, I should have thought.

I immediately said "No." It was my only good coat and there was no way that my parents could have afforded to replace it. (To top it all, the girl was on the fringes of the group that was bullying me.)

I remember being quite puzzled and wondering what she imagined I could wear while she was in possession of my coat.

The dress belongs to your daughter, she doesn't want to lend it to someone, there's your answer.

Yeah, you had something nice and she wanted it. That (in her head) was all the justification that was needed.

Took me far too many years to work that one out!

They do wear them again. Dd took both her dresses (one for year 11 prom one year 13 formal dinner) and has worn them several times for uni balls etc and will keep wearing them. Formal Dresses like that don’t really follow fashion that much.