AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

I have often given my clothes to my friends to wear and it never bothered my parents. I had nice clothes growing up and loved helping others dress for events. If my daughter did not want to share her dress it would be her choice. Depending on who this other child was and how close I was to them I might buy them a dress. I would definitely not force my child to part with something that is special to them. That’s just not right.

I have lent friends clothes before, and other items.

But I never lend something of sentimental value, or that I can't replace, or that I would just hate to lose.

To those saying your daughter should 'be kind' and lend this dress - no, she doesn't have to. It is very special for her, she's already reworn it once, and will be doing so again, twice, in the near future.

To those saying ' oh this poor (family member) girl can't afford a dress' - of course she can.
Just not a £500 one.
Look in charity shops, on Vinted, in pre-loved shops, Ebay etc etc - there are literally loads of options.

I didn’t say that, I said there was a higher chance at the party.

I gave all my party dresses to the poor and needy children because I am so virtuous. It's such a shame that I'm so modest, otherwise I'd be beatified for setting such a wonderful example to humankind.

Of course but hems get trodden on at both events. Risk is still higher anywhere alcohol is unsupervised.

I haven’t read the whole thread which I know is frowned upon but I’ve got really lovely Coast evening dresses second hand from Vinted for £30 upwards as I can’t afford to buy posh long elegant dresses straight off the website since having kids and they have lovely draping around the waist and tummy which hide my Mum tum.
I’m sure the family of the girl wanting to borrow OP’s DD’s dress can stretch to £30 - £50 to buy a second hand Vinted dress.
If I had invested £500 in a beautiful designer dress for my daughter then no, I don’t want anyone demanding their daughter be lent it.
There are dresses that are worn again and again as it makes the person wearing them feel and look amazing and if you find that dress you hang onto it.
Overriding DD’s decision to say no will make her feel like anything she owns isn’t really hers as someone can ask to borrow it and it gets handed over.
I had a lovely green Reiss dress once and a friend coaxed me into lending it to her. I advised it was dry clean only and when it was eventually given back to me it had been machine washed and the seams around the sleeveless armholes had come undone and were all frayed, plus she had tumble dried it and there was pilling on the fabric.

Don’t be bullied into saying yes here OP. YANBU and ignore the pious beee nice gang.

This is the sort of thing that people who feel entitled to other people’s stuff would says

Isn't there a cheaper alternative similar looking dress they could buy? I'm sure there must be

I'd just stress the sentimental value and that your daughter would be uncomfortable sharing such an important outfit that's meant for her own special occasions only, not someone else's.. like sharing a boyfriend, to some people(!) and I would highlight that no one can promise not to ruin something, that's like promising not to have a car accident. You can't control other people and accidents are by nature, not planned.

Also: point them to sites like Vinted.

I’ve been told by others that I’m a kind and generous person however I’d have to put my foot down here. This is about your daughter’s boundaries as well as her decision making abilities. If these people need a dress so badly they can go find one secondhand through the usual channels or budget their money better.

I felt bad when my eldest give hers to my youngest to borrow for a party. We did the same and brought one she’d wear again and she has. It’s not the fact we couldn’t go get a different dress if ruined, but more of she found one she loved which was a huge task and you can’t get it anymore. I wouldn’t risk it.

Your DD will get lots of wear out that dress, it was an investment purchase and she absolutely should not lend it. What a cheek to even ask, plenty of affordable dresses out there. Stand firm!

No is a complete sentence

Dont..... people are arseholes and entitled, I'm talking from experience. I lent someone a beautiful cocktail dress for an event and I kept asking for it back, I had several excuses about wanting to get it dry cleaned blah blah blah. Months later I said look I need it for an event myself I'll just get it dry cleaned, she returned it very sheepishly and admitted she had ruined it by dropping a lit cigarette her lap so it had a burn whole. I was livid but made to feel I was being unreasonable FFS!

500 pounds for a dress for a teenager is a lot. Don't lent it if you don't want to.

Nope. If they can’t afford to replace it, they can’t afford to borrow it. It’s an expensive and special dress and it belongs to your daughter and she doesn’t want to lend it to anyone so she doesn’t have to.

I would lend it to her!

Are you joking? women are taught this to their own detriment by society their entire lives.

Ever notice how it's always women caring for elderly relatives or women being pressured into "being the village" and never men?

If there is one lesson women NEED help with learning its to protect their own boundaries, not to give more than they already do

This is about a £500 dress, its not like this person is starving for food FFS

Fuck off

Also you can already tell by their CF attitude that they wouldn’t come good and replace it the dress something happened to it.

The decent friends that would accept this boundary are also the ones who would dry clean the dress properly and offer to replace. CFs like this are the people who would say “what hole? You can’t see anything” etc

She has already said she doesnt want to

What comes out of this is that the be nice crew really do look for external validation, even to the detriment of themselves i will give you everything as long as you say Im nice
Boy when they dont get it, they become instantly nasty , accusing people who disagree with them of being on the sauce
They throw out insults- SELFISH in their attempts to get their own way

It makes me chuckle
The answer is still NO

It's not you helping though, is it? It wouldn't be your expensive item going out on loan. The dress belongs to OP's daughter, irrespective of who bought it, and if the daughter is uncomfortable with someone else wearing it and potentially damaging it then that should be respected.

The equivalent would be your husband buying you an expensive dress then saying his sister needs a posh frock for an event so he's said she can borrow yours, whether you like it or not.

OP has very reasonably assumed that they wouldn't/couldn't replace the dress if it got ruined because they have told her that they can't afford to buy this girl any sort of dress at all.

They would probably agree to replace the dress if OP made this a condition of lending the dress but they wouldn't mean it. The fact that they persist in harassing OP, even after she has said no, makes them sound pushy and entitled.

I've noticed this pattern in almost every thread where someone shares a CF dilemma.

Without fail, there are posters who proudly wang on and brag about how generous and compassionate they are, despite knowing full well that they're not the ones actually expected to make the sacrifice.

It's an easy and lazy way to signal virtue and promote the whole "#BeKind" image when someone else is footing the bill.

It's always easier to be generous with other people's time, money, and effort than with your own 🙄