AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

not even that. Its "I think you should be kind because its costing ME nothing"
But if the dress is ruined?

That's an option. I bet they'll shut up asking then.

Tell them to give you a £300 damage deposit which you’ll gladly refund if the dress is returned to your daughter in perfect condition.

Honestly why are relatives so damn entitled? Ok you’re ‘lucky’ you are in a position to afford an expensive dress, but that doesn’t mean you should become a charity to less wealthy family members.

I was already on the OPs side but then she added it’s an 18th birthday party. No fucking way would I let my teen wear their own 500 quid dress let alone borrow someone elses! It’ll get something on it or a ciggie burn.

I do think being clear what the event was is relevant. I feel like there’s a higher chance of something happening to the dress at a teen party than a wedding or prom.

Let me rephrase this, in a more accurate way:

“Why not let your daughter learn that her opinions and wishes regarding her own possessions don’t matter, that other people’s wants are more important than her feelings, that her boundaries will be trampled by people who are supposed to care about her and that her mother will allow her to be emotionally blackmailed, not have her back and ultimately side with the people trying to bully her”.

I was talking about that poster, not the OP. That poster doesn't own the dress, won't lose anything if it all goes pearshaped so can happily sit there and do the "be kind" dance.
There's another post on here about someone being pressurised to give regular lifts to an art class. Same thing, the people who are doing the pressurising "Be Kind" crap aren't offering their own resource but are happy to say what others should do.

nailed it

disagree, why are weddings or proms less likely to end up messy?

If you cannot afford to replace something someone loans you, or at least have some insurance in place, you have no business borrowing that item.

Nope.

That's for things like lending some a tenner, not a £500 dress.

CF's dont care about things like that. I have them in my family. Once its clear that they are not getting anything out of you, then they dont care about losing out on relationships, because to them relationships are transactional. They give as little as they can and get out of you as much as they can. Its no punishment to them to miss out on Christmas lunch, they will just mooch off someone else.

Its up to the girls parents to pay for their daughters clothes.

Maybe not prom but a teen is less likely to get shitfaced and vom down their dress at a family wedding than an 18th party with possibly no adult supervision.

I would lend out most things but not a dress of that price point. Unless the mum was willing to give you something worth £500 that she’s willing to give you if her DD ruins the dress. Jewellery… phone… laptop etc.

Insurance essentially.

You have no obligation to lend it, but I would because that’s the kind thing to do. It’s unlikely to get ruined.

Generally because their parents are at the wedding and teachers are at prom.

The parents have had 18 years and 9 months advance notice that this birthday was coming up. If they had saved £2.22 per month they could have saved a total of £499.50, leaving them just 50p short.

Give them 50p OP, hashtag be kind innit.

Vinted sell loads of prom dresses, can’t the family member get one there? I wouldn’t lend it. It’s your daughters choice and you should support that

I've happily lend dresses to friends and family but I also have items that I would not lend to anyone. It's not an either-or situation. No way would I lend an expensive and well loved dress to someone I don't fully trust to be responsible. Even if I fully trusted the person, I would have no issue saying "this dress means a lot to me and I am not letting anyone borrow this one." They are asking for a favour. It's ok to decline the favour.

you could ask for a 500 deposit upfront for any damages etc @DeathByZaraTrousers

and we have another one

fair comment. but accidents don't happen? hems don't get trodden on?

I personally think this is the balanced response.

It is neither weird nor unheard of to lend things, especially to family (and indeed traditionally a bride wears "something borrowed"), but nor is it reasonable to expect to specify which item and to push the owner into it if it is a special item.

I have things I would lend in this circumstance and things I wouldn't.

Making it outrageous on the one hand to lend and outrageous on the other hand not to is overreacting in both directions.

I was talking about that poster, not the OP. That poster doesn't own the dress, won't lose anything if it all goes pearshaped so can happily sit there and do the "be kind" dance.
Im sorry, I misunderstood.

‘Designer of her choice’
In the nicest way, why is this the OP’s responsibility?. It’s a very expensive thing to do. Not sure many people would take someone else’s child to a designer of their choice and kit them out!

There is vinted, charity shops, eBay, lots of dresses on there usually as people often wear them just once and happy to sell them on.

Op, I’d say that your daughter is out the same night and plans to wear it. I totally understand neither of you wanting to lend a costly dress that’s still being worn by your daughter. It is a shame they can’t afford a dress, but it’s not your responsibility and as I (& others) have said, there are options which don’t involve your daughter having to lend something she doesn’t want to, and still uses.