AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

It’s not my niece.

I absolutely would, and do, lend my belongings, and my DD and her housemates are usually in a mixed collection that belongs to one another.

However, you are both entitled to say no, and the family members pushing in to put pressure on and make you feel guilty are very unreasonable.

Plenty of charity shops, Vinted etc out there to look for their own dress.

I’m replying to the other poster who has been relentless in her criticism. Read her posts. She would lend the dress but if it got damaged and they refused to pay, her relationship with them would be over. Cut off, forever. Now that is too far don’t you think, 😂

If they keep hassling you simply respond “you already have my answer”. They sound like CF’s.

Cue story about heroic act of self sacrifice. ‘One time, in the Arctic Circle, in the middle of winter, I met a frostbitten orphan and immediately gave them all my clothes without a thought to myself. I then trekked on naked across the tundra, warmed by the fire kindness and generosity lit within me. The internal warm fuzzies were indeed so warm that I was even able to shoot them out as targeted heat waves, and thus able to incinerate more than one rampaging polar bear heading in my direction. Kindness saves lives (and ends them).’

It’s very easy to be generous with other people’s things.

It’s just a different way of doing things. My kids have never share clothes with their friends. They like their own stuff.

Bollocks.

'My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.
Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined.'

You are not being unreasonable at all, it is her dress and she is free to say no. But think another way. Should it remain in the cupboard so to not get ruined, and then never be worn again. Will she look back in 20 years time at this pristine dress which has been worn (optimistically) once again and regret not lending it to her cousin?

I wore my prom dress again once (awkwardly because it was too over the top and it was just a black satin tea dress) and one bridesmaid dress once again. Reality is they just don't get worn again.

😂😂😂

The thread has gone mad with the be kind posters, happy to say they would do something they’re not going to have to do.

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I’m glad I asked as I can see most people would think like us.

Night. 😴

there is no "should it" about it. Someone has been asked to lend an item to someone else. The response was "sorry no" That should be the end of the story.

yup , usual thing

night

My post above was just a 'think of the the possibility of lending it' but your daughter is completely reasonable to decline to do so. It's hers.

Good for your daughter. Stick by her. It’s too expensive an item to lend.

I didn't say that she 'should' just 'maybe have a think about it'. Your daughter is completely reasonable to decline to do so. It's hers.

I'm just talking about the reality of most very fancy/expensive items that maybe don't get enough wear in their lifetime :( but no pressure to do it!

You are right to support your daughter saying no OP. My DM was such a people pleaser and would have done the opposite.

It also reminds me of a situation I had a few years ago. My DD took a (favourite) book to read when we went to visit a friend of mine because her DC are younger, so they don’t generally play together. We accidentally left the book behind because we had to leave in a hurry (another story). I messaged my friend asking her to put the book aside and I would pick it up as soon as I could. Well, she didn’t, and her DDs “read it” and ceased the cover and several of the pages came out it. It came back very tatty and DD was very upset. My friend didn’t care, and said “oh, we could buy you another for your birthday!” Totally didn’t understand. I know that to an adult it’s just a book, but it was really important to my DD.

I am not sure what "enough" wear is?

Ah sorry my mistake. I would definitely not lend it if your daughter doesn’t want to. I can’t believe the other girl can’t find a dress she likes in her budget.

Do we tell blokes to be kind like this? What if someone’s DH’s friend asked to borrow his £500 fishing rod/carbon bike wheels/3D printer? Would we say he should lend it out if he didn’t feel comfortable doing so to beee kiiiind

yes as a child, I loaned a book that came back with the cover torn. last book I ever loaned. I give them away but no more lending.

I can't see why its different if its a prom?

Ignore all the emotional blackmail posts. The girls parents can buy her a dress.

Wow OP. Some of the responses here are wild!

You paid £500 for a dress for YOUR daughter as you could afford it. The dress belongs to your daughter who has chosen to wear it on several occasions. Said relative hasn't saved for her daughter's event and now wants daughter to borrow your daughter's dress. Your daughter doesn't want to lend the dress. Relative isn't wrong to ask the question. Your daughter isn't wrong to say no to the request. Relative is wrong to insist on receipt of the dress - the entitlement of relative is grabby and how people on here don't see it is beyond me.

Stick to your guns

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..,,
Ah, the ingrained default position of women, be kind, but always at your own expense.

not even that. Its "I think you should be kind because its costing ME nothing"