AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Words are very cheap. If they want to put actions behind their words, they could tell OP to get in touch with this "relative" and tell her that they would be happy to lend out a $500 dress. They won't though.

There are a few of these passive aggressive comments on the thread. My daughter wasn’t competing. She liked the dress, it’s quite plain, classic, not your typical prom dress in style or bright colour. She had a great time at prom, she wasn’t worried about damaging her own dress because it was hers. She is glad she didn’t though and has been able to wear it again.

What??!!

People might lend each other tops and stuff. But her favourite £500 dress? C’mon.

Also those dresses are usually made of delicate fabric and only have so many wears in them. Even if she doesn’t trash it, the chances of her depreciating it are quite high. She can’t control if some drunk person decides to crash into her with a glass of red in their hand.

I hate it when CFs get told a boundary and the text to try and trample over it. Respect the boundary. Why would you want to spend the night in a dress someone didn’t want you to have?

I get that too but the value/cost doesn't matter and there is no need for an excuse. Someone has been asked to lend something and the answer is "sorry no. "

I agree. Lent out one of my DD's dresses that she had worn once and we never, ever saw it again.

@DeathByZaraTrousers Of course your DD should NOT lend out that dress, ever. It's a very special dress to her and SHE should be the only one to ever wear it. They can look at secondhand stores, Vinted, a rental place. They just want to bully YOU and your DD into giving in to their selfish wants.

I expect to get shouted down, but in the end its a dress. It's not a family heirloom and it will go put of fashion. Why not let your daughter learn some charity by doing something kind.

It’s not just a dress - it something that holds memories of a milestone occasion. She may get the chance to wear it again at uni, at weddings. So no, never lend a dress. It WILL get ruined.

There are loads of dress hire companies and also local second hand prom dress events in village halls etc.

Replace “dress” with tent and I have been in the same position.

My tent, a good one, that I’d saved for. Lent it to a not very close family member. Came back with cigarette holes in.

I don’t lend out anything pricey or previous.

Far too many times I have seen things lent and then returned damaged or even not returned at all!

There was one particular item that the borrow kept for a looooooong time and then claimed was theirs! AND, then offered to lend to the actual owner! The audacity 😂

Lol. There’s nothing makes ‘be kind’ more offputting than the proponents of being kind.

It’s her dress that she doesn’t want to lend out. Trying to strong arm her into it isn’t kindness, and nor does it teach kindness.

I would definitely lend my clothes out especially to a young family member who couldn't afford to buy one herself. When my daughter was younger she used to regularly share clothes with her friends and they did with her. It seemed a normal and caring thing to do

I would prevent it happening in the first place by not lending the item. You say it’s not going all in, but by lending it, if it was damaged and they didn’t pay, you would then end your relationship with them. Thats as all in and serious as it gets.

The girl and her parents wouldn’t be able to pay for the dress if it was damaged, so why would I deliberately risk the relationship? Why would I put them or us in the situation that could possibly mean trouble for our relationship if the dress got damaged and they didn’t pay. That sounds like a very stupid situation to make when it can be avoided by just not lending the dress.

If we lent them the dress, we would be potentially setting them up to fail and cause bigger issues.

If we did lend the dress, I actually wouldn’t fall out with them if it was accidentally damaged because I do value them more than that, but we won’t lend the dress to avoid any potential issues which I think is sensible.

There are loads of cheap prom dresses on Vinted so she could buy her own. At least if she bought one, it would be hers and not a loaner

😮

They asked. Your teenage daughter answered politely. It's time the grown-ups moved on and found another solution. It isn't up to your DD to solve the fact that the other girl's parents won't stump up for a nice dress. You know they won't be there to cover the cost if the dress is damaged, however likely or unlikely that is.

I lent my gorgeous silk prom dress to my cousin and it was returned with a cigarette burn. What is worse, my cousin didn't even mention it, or the very least apologise. I wouldn't lend something your daughter loves, it's not worth the risk

you could learn some charity? Get in touch with the Op and offer something of yours

Even if you were millionaires and the dress was 20p at Oxfam and your weekend plan is to cut it up to make cleaning rags, you are still under no obligation to lend it to anyone.

Stand strong!

so do I and its also a wise way to support your daughter and teach her how to deal with such requests

so you are not actually doing it! If.. you would.. of course, that's easier to be generous that way, ,especially with other people's money

The OP can say the same, IF she was married to a royal family member, she WOULD lend one dress. 😂 So she IS generous, not in the right position right now.

Even if it didn’t get damaged, it’s her special prom dress so why should she have to lend it in the first place. I think it’s cheeky to even ask let alone trying to guilt trip too. My prom dress was from Mango! They could easily find a nice dress for less.

Do not feel a moments guilt. It’s your daughter’s dress and it’s her decision. If family members still text you tell them you’ve already said no and this is not going to change but suggest they might like to
make a donation to the other parents to buy their daughter another dress.

Tell them to rent one from a shop. No way would I be lending my daughter‘s expensive dress to someone else.

why would I deliberately risk the relationship? Why would I put them or us in the situation that could possibly mean trouble for our relationship if the dress got damaged and they didn’t pay.

I don't think you need to lend the dress, but bits of this post go too far.

You don't want to lend it because you don't want the dress to get ruined.