AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Well, if they are so sure that it won't be ruined then they won't mind giving you the £500 to keep until they return it back to you.

I think your DD is absolutely right to say no. As I've often read on posts on Mumsnet (I don't particularly like the phrase but) - "No is a full sentence!"

I think it's fine to say no. It's a precious thing for her and she doesn't feel comfortable lending it. It's her special dress that only she wants to wear.

She doesn't owe them the right to wear it. They are being ridiculous to make a big thing of it. They asked (fair enough) DD said no. That's it.

I wouldn’t borrow a loved dress from someone, too much responsibility … the fact they are pushing to borrow shows they don’t understand value, and I don’t mean money.

Even if it wasn’t damaged I bet your daughter wouldn’t get it back, it would be “lost” or passed on to another friend.

I consider myself a very generous person and I’m really laid back about breakages, etc. But I wouldn’t lend the dress. Irrelevant of who wants to borrow it, for whatever occasion and even if they could buy a replacement. It’s too precious. I’d be happy for DD to loan friends her prom dresses, but she also has a beautiful dress we bought in Saks, New York City, that is just too precious to us all and definitely won’t be loaned out.

They don’t have a lot of money and they are irresponsible with what money they do have from what we can see. They wouldn’t have £500.

Her stance was that it wasn't new and wasn't special so I had lost nothing, and this was the woman that had been photographing me in the dress on my weight loss journey. So she knew.

We already had a few issues as she reckoned she was a veggie and every time I came back all the bacon and sausages that I had bought in my weekly shop had gone and she had no idea where....and like she was the only one there. Well apparently not, as her boyfriend was the culprit.

And then when I worked away overnight, she was letting her friends sleep over in my room and they were using the stuff in my room without my knowledge. I bought a new bed as mattress was a bit past it and her mate commented that she liked the other one, it was comfy and I asked how she knew and she openly said she had stayed over in it many times and thought my bedroom was nicer than my flatmates. Apparently her and her boyfriend were staying in my bed every time I went away on a weekend.

So when it came time to renew, I said I was moving out and she said she was moving her boyfriend in. So my name came off the lease and I got the bond back and she had to put a new bond down. She also felt I should have left the bond down for her - it was all mine.

Not a nice person. So no, if I were the OP, if her daughter didn't want to loan out the dress, she doesn't have to,

That's lovely, I've never thought of it like that! I've only worn it the once, and it was slightly too big, so it may well still fit me. 😊 (I'm a bit bigger than I was pre DS.)

I'll love it forever. It's black and burgundy velvet with gorgeous flared sleeves. I fell in love with one of Arwin's dresses in the Lord of the Rings films and it's similar to that. 🖤❤️

My daughter has said that. She said she wouldn’t be able to enjoy herself wearing someone else’s dress, especially if it was expensive as she would be too scared of getting a stain on it.

Bonus: hired dresses are insured against damage. It's not only the borrower who could damage it but other party attendees.

Hiring = Peace of mind for all.

I wonder if some of the posters insisting they would lend the dress have missed the occasion it’s for, and are imagining you are refusing to help a young family member with a dress for a school formal/prom, despite having the means to. In that situation, I would probably be inclined to help (whether lending the dress or in another way) BUT wearing an expensive dress to an 18th birthday party is not a necessity. If it’s the child’s 18th then they could have budgeted an outfit into the cost of the party or they could downgrade the dress code. Wearing an expensive designer dress for someone else’s 18th is overkill and unnecessary.

The answer is 'no' and you don't have to excuse it.
My dd can't say 'no' to people, it's got her into so much worry and hassle.
It's your daughter's special dress. The end.

yes indeed and that is how the family stands the best chance of staying together.

It’s what I would do if I was in the position to originally afford a £500 prom dress
this is her niece, a child
I can’t imagine a life where I wouldn’t give my beautiful nieces that experience

I get what you are saying but how would it be different if it got damaged at a prom? Would that miraculously make it ok?

I think it is becoming more of a "thing" - probably because of vinted.

For a few decades there was quite a stigma about second hand clothes, but the combination of fast fashion and then vinted seems to have made people feel clothes are more of a temporary/pass it around item. It isn't uncommon in younger people.

I wouldn't lend the good one, but I'd try to look through my wardrobe/DD's wardrobe and see if there was something decent but not as special we could offer in lieu. If they don't want it, well, that's up to them.

Ummmm, as a fully grown, financially savvy adult, I am quite aware of that thanks? And i don’t view lending a possession as “going all in”. I would however view the destruction of said possession with no attempt to recover the situation (even at say a repayment of £5 per week) as them showing me very clearly who THEY are. And I would act accordingly.
I will always try to do the right thing. If others don’t, that is on them.

Don't lend the dress. My own experience of agreeing to let "friends" borrow my nice things is that they come back ruined but in most cases they don't come back at all. Then I see them out and about or in photos on facebook wearing my lovely and costly items and bragging about them as if they were their own. Nope they just shamelessly stole them. One even said to me "what are you talking about? It's my xxxx, you're just jealous I can afford it and you can't" 😂Ex friends of course.

Do not lend that dress. You're not shit, you're not unreasonable, you just don't want to because it's yours. End of.

Are you for real?

£500 is more than my wedding dress cost (I got lucky in the sales!). There is absolutely no way I would be lending it out to anyone.

Even if you could trust that the family member wouldn’t damage it etc, that’s not to say someone around her won’t.

I remember my sister lending me a beautiful dress for my leavers ball at university and within five minutes of my arriving, someone had bumped into me and spilled their drink all down the front. I was mortified - fortunately my sister didn’t care but I still made sure I had it cleaned properly.

I would send a message back to every single family member who is pressuring your daughter and say “I’m sorry that we cannot lend [young family member] the dress, however I’m thrilled that you care enough to sort a dress out for her. It’s so nice that you will be lending or buying a dress for her yourself” (or something worded better - I’m too hot, sorry!). Put the pressure right back on them. It’s honestly a bit disgusting that they’re leaning on your daughter like that!

I’d just say no sorry.

there’s millions of others dresses in the world. Absolutely not would I lend out something I loved so much and cost so much. Even if she did ruin it, it would probably not feel the same having a new one… just not the same feeling when it’s worn. Maybe that’s just me

This is the reason my daughter refused to enter into the “competitive dress” nonsense. She insisted on buying something from TK Max clearance section because she reckoned someone would stand on it, spill a drink on it or throw up on it. She looked stunning anyway and had a ball with no worries about her dress.

Bless her. I was like that when I was younger. I was such a people pleaser and so anxious with it. I felt exhausted keeping other people happy. I changed because my partner made me see that I was making all the effort and others weren’t giving back.

I hope your daughter is able to feel confident enough to start saying no as it’s very freeing when you learn to confidently do it. People are actually nicer to you when you start standing up for yourself as well, surprisingly. It’s like they start respecting you and noticing that you have feelings too. It’s a shame that when you’re nice, people just take advantage.

I'm in my sixties and often lend friends my things. One friend wore some very nice diamond earrings with her MOTB outfit, another one took a designer jacket on a Caribbean cruise. Sometimes I think my clothes have a better social life than I do.

However no one has ever asked to borrow them. I've offered them to people I know will take care of them. I think that makes a difference. And I would never lend anything I wasn't prepared to lose to a teenager, particularly not for a Prom.

Just tell the truth - it's too expensive to risk it being damaged.

Yet, the girl’s other family members don’t have that sentiment and rather pressure a younger teen to lend their dress when they don’t want to instead of them pooling their money together and gifting this niece a similar dress to wear for her 18th.

All of this. There are so many options available to them
Keep saying no
the CF.