AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

With all the options of affordable dresses out there, why can’t they purchase their own dress or rent one similar to the one she has?

I’ve bought lovely dresses off Vinted and EBay for under £10, designer items for under £30.

If they can’t afford to have it cleaned, repaired and/or replace it if it does get damaged than they shouldn’t be asking for it nor should other family members be sticking their nose in.

I have family members like this who are quick to call family members selfish when they don’t get what they want from other family members. Often what they don’t know is the ones they call selfish don’t give or lend anything specifically to them because of their entitlement and those that know of this don’t get involved and understand why.

Ask for a £500 deposit if the dress is damaged and get chat gdp to write a 20 page legal document to cover all eventualities

i think that should stop the cf ‘s

They’re cheeky f’ers who want a dress for free.

Of course not. It's cheeky to ask especially if you have already said no. As a rule of thumb never lend anything you are not happy to give away because people rarely give things back and if they do they are even more rarely in the same condition it was when you gave it to them. You bought your daughter a special dress and it is for her and her alone.

At least 2 occasions in the next few months. What do we do if the dress is ruined? Just pay for another dress shall we? Why should we? They won’t care that my daughter is left without a dress and they won’t be generous. They’re trying to make a 17 year old girl feel bad, why can’t they be kinder? It’s always one way with people like this.

So generous that you’d lend a dress but not generous enough that you’d cut off a family member for ruining it and not paying more than they can afford to replace it lol.

Russian roulettes with your family but think that makes your opinion the reasonable one

It is always one way with people like this- which is why it’s so important your dd learns now how to stick up to them.

But there’s also a very important lesson in this- she’s said no. It doesn’t matter what she’s said no about, the fact is she’s been asked something and decided no. And now she’s under emotional pressure to change that no to a yes. Not just pressure from the person who wants the no to a yes, but others putting pressure on her to conform to what they think she should do.

Holding the line is an important thing to learn!

(The other people asking her to give the dress won’t pay for the other family member to get a new dress, so they won’t replace your dds dress if it’s ruined.)

There is no way I’d be lending anyone a £500 dress! Especially not to wear to a party, I’d honestly laugh if anyone asked me, like what the actual 😂 Absolutely not!

How on earth is that “Russian roulette”? I think that is very clear boundaries. They ask for something, you agree, with boundaries. They break those boundaries, there are consequences. For them.
Any why on earth would you want to maintain a relationship, with family or no, who behave like that? If a family member borrowed my property, destroyed it and refused to take responsibility? Yes, I’d massively reduce contact or end the relationship.
And people on here think I AM the doormat!??

If you lend the dress to someone who can’t afford to buy a dress, and it’s accidentally stained/ruined by that person, that wearer sure as eggs hasn’t the funds to replace said dress.

I really dont understand how this thread is so full!

You dont lend your clothes to anyone. Especially if its special and expensive.

I can't comprehend how someone think its ok to share clothes, its gross and the clothes most definitely will get ruined - stained, sweated at, ripped. There are countless threads on here of people lending something to someone and either getting it back ruined - or not getting it back at all.

OP, your relatives should be told in no uncertain terms to back off and never ask anything so stupid ever again. If they have no money they can get something second hand (as they are happy wearing other people's clothes anyway) or get something within their budget.

OP "No, she'll be wearing it herself that day."
CF "But I haven't told you when the party is."
OP "Doesn't matter."
😂

YANBU
I have loaned things before and they have been lost / damaged.
Nothing as precious/expensive as a prom dress , but I just do not do it anymore !

Sounds petty but I’d not lend it. I always would have in the past, I’d lend a friend money to buy an outfit if I could afford it.

My reason for no is that a while ago a close friend borrowed an outfit. We are both adult women friends since school, she borrowed the dress for a special occasion.

Then all I heard over and over again, (she was not normally my dress size but had lost a bit of weight due to a relationship break up) was how much better she looked in that outfit then I did. Really nasty comments that upset me. At the time I’d said she looked lovely and have a nice time so I thought I’d get it back washed and that would be the end of it but instead i got snidely comments about my looks for over a year.

so if anything like that is a possibility definitely no.

What consequences? They cant pay to replace it and likely wont (as many PP have said, things that cost nothing to the borrower are rarely valued) so what consequences?

They lose the chance to take the piss again? Big deal, not much comfort to the DD is it?

that's great, lend her yours

Some right CF’s in your family, OP! It might be okay to politely ask the owner of whatever random thing CF family members want to borrow, but as soon as they don’t accept the refusal and start emotionally blackmailing and ganging up on the owner, then all bets are off and they can do one.

Nobody has any right of access over your DD or her belongings. Nobody has the right to emotionally blackmail or bully her. I’d be willing to bet that these would-be “takers” aren’t exactly the best as “giving”, as is often the way.

Circle the wagons OP, back your daughter, and if they don’t stop banging on about it then tell them to bugger off.

Her dress, her choice.
I know one of mine would lend it out, I know my other one, would absolutely not. The one who would lend it, is a bit more like me, we don’t really look after stuff or particularly value it, the other really cares and would be gutted if something happened. You have to respect that and so does your family.

Nope, and I've never spent that much on a dress. My most expensive dess was £125, it was my dream dress and I'm not lending it to anyone! I wanted it to be my wedding dress but couldn't afford it when I got married, and eventually bought it after I left my husband and wore it to a LARP event in 2019.

I obviously think differently to most people on here. Because, for me, the consequence would be that I no longer have a relationship with them. So, no more family parties, no more meals out together, no more Christmases at my house. Those consequences?

Could you suggest to the relatives sticking their noses in that they could maybe source her a dress if they feel so strongly about it? Cheeky fuckers.

Your friend/cousin/sister - “Hey, I’m skint and need a dress for a party, your lovely new expensive dress would be perfect.”

You - “Yeah sure, be careful with it as it’s new you’d have to replace it”

Your loved one thinks I’ll be super careful, I won’t ruin it so I don’t need to worry about replacing it

Someone pours red wine or grease down her, no fault of her own. The dress is ruined.

You ask for your £500 but as you very well know, she doesn’t have £500, she told you she’s skint, and it wasn’t her fault, it was an accident surely you’re not going to make her pay? You’re friends/cousins/sisters. You’re literally taking food out of her kids mouths!

And you’re just like tough luck, don’t contact me again we’re done.

What happens the next time someone else asks to borrow your expensive new item? Would you risk it again?

This is why companies have credit checks - you’re an irresponsible lender lol

I love that. The dress may have been tainted if you had wore it to marry a man you later left, but as you bought it for something else, you can love it for as long as you like now.

It doesn't matter how many other occasions she is likely to wear it, it belongs to her and she doesn't want to lend it. No one is entitled to other peoples things.

The family member can simply wear a cheaper dress like many people who can't afford £500 dresses. She'll survive.

You are definitely different on this. I think most of us know that we have family members who are ok but that we wouldn’t trust with certain things. That doesn’t mean we don’t want any relationship at all with them, but it does mean we don’t go all in, let it blow up and then say we’re never seeing you again. Why do that? It makes it more difficult for the wider family at family events. You don’t have to be all in and give everything to every relationship in your life, family included.