AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Just the 4 of you and 2 large dogs? Yes, plenty of room 🥰

I am happy to see the vote reflects our thinking on this. My family are obviously the weird ones 😂 or more likely they’re trying to say this is perfectly normal so that they get their own way.

Maybe it’s normal for some people to share clothes but I never have and I know my kids don’t either. They have their own things and like it that way which I respect. I seem to spend a fortune on them at places like Urban Outfitters and Hollister with the occasional more expensive item thrown in for special occasions, so I’m glad they keep their things for themselves and look after them.

It’s a shame you cant easily get accidental damage insurance for the dress for the evening

not really related but I was commenting to my OH last year about how school Proms seems to have become a much bigger thing than I recall as I was getting several messages from niece with dress pics and extensive plans etc. Entirely unprompted he messaged my brother and lent him a Lamborghini to take her to it. When I expressed my surprise he just shrugged and said ‘it’s insured if anything happens’. Mental!

When someone is being unutterably stupid, yes I am.

And what you describe as your past, is my present due my becoming a carer and only able to work minimal hours.

Nice try.

Another "you have something I want so you should share it with me." Thread.

Honestly, the entitlement. You can get a nice dress for under 50 quid. Either second hand, or cheap brands. You don't need a £500 quid formal dress for a birthday party.

You don't have to share everything just because someone else wants it. Being well off enough to have nice things does not require you to share those things. From someone who absolutely cannot afford nice things. I absolutely cannot afford a 100 quid dress, never mind 500 quid. Not in a million years would I ever expect to borrow someone else's clothes.

We have a duty to help those IN NEED. Not those that want holidays or dresses out of their own budget.

Ahh, now that could be the OPs response to her CF relative couldn't it?

Sokath, his eyes uncovered? (Don't worry about that one. I'm mixing my references tonight. Disney princess and final frontiers are too much on a hot summer night. I mean would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?)

Can't see any flocks of tits or fawns btw. Quite dissapointing

That's a belter..thanks always open to hearing Northern records and that one was a 1st time listen.
Been into it 45 years.
Now back to dress lending issues

That’s true. I was a people pleaser at my daughter’s age so I’m really pleased that she isn’t.

If the relatives can’t afford to buy a similar/same dress then they won’t be able to afford to replace it if it does get damaged.

However, that’s beside the point. The dress is OP’s daughter’s and she has made memories wearing that dress. Nobody can replace those memories even with an exact copy.

My dd got her prom dress from depop. Because she’s very environmentally conscious (as many young people are).

I bought her some nice shoes that will last for Uni (hopefully) as she doesn’t dress up a lot.

I’m sure your relatives can get something from depop or vinted!

Back at you, what are you trying? If you’ve been in both situations surely you wouldn’t be so “hard of thinking”? Utterly stupid belongs to you.

😂

I agree- don't lend the dress. As someone who was brought up to sacrifice everything on the altar of 'Family' and got screwed over time and time again I am a big believer in boundaries. I have many examples but when I was a teen I was pressured to lend an expensive musical instrument to a cousin. She damaged it beyond repair (sat on it apparently) and her parents just shrugged and said 'if you could afford to buy such an expensive one then then you can afford to buy it again'. Coincidentally my parents and I were discussing this just today for various reasons and it was decades ago.

😂😂😂 I'm really enjoying this side thread to the main event. Almost as much as I'm enjoying the wine and nibbles that have just arrived by Gorn.

Many thanks to snow-overflowingbin-white. The steaks look a bit pre chewed though. Not really good enough is it?

I have lent out many things and never got them back or they have been broken or not looked after. I remember lending some shoes out and the person was extremely affronted when I wanted them back.

I wouldn't lend anything now, and I wouldn't expect my daughter to if it was something she really loved or was expensive.

Also, I don't see anything wrong with them asking but I think it's very bad that you have declined, and now they are harassing you along with other family members. Not on.

Just look up the dress on second hand sites.
Link it if you're being kind.
I had nothing as a child. My clothes are my armour and my investment.
I hate when people ask. I don't have flash cars and a normal house but i don't drink, smoke or buy drugs. I worked 5am - 9pm for my clothes and woe betide those who damage them. My family now don't bother to ask.
One set of nieces peed on my new beds. Twenty odd years ago. The feckers turned the mattress.

I blame the Gorn. They can't be trusted with anything fleshy.

Temba at rest

Let's face it, an 18th birthday party is probably one of the worst in terms of things getting damaged, lots of kids getting a chance to drink for the first time, being sick, falling over, a £500 dress is not a good idea.
It was a present to your DD so she has the only vote on whether she lends the dress out, she's said no so that's an end to it

You are funny. Let her buy her own dress.

I'd lend it in a heartbeat. How many other occasions is your DD likely to wear it? You are fortunate enough to be able to afford expensive things, why not be generous?

Nope...she doesn't want to..the family should lay off her..and you.
Tell them they're being unreasonable.

The one time I did this (late 80s) it was an expensive Robert Palmer Addicted To
Love video black mini dress (Katherine Hamnett) which cost a lot of money (actually a present from a rich journalist boyfriend) and my best friend asked to borrow it for a posh event with press photographers at a town hall with her mum. I let her borrow it and it came back fine but I trusted her implicitly. She also wore it out for a date at a bar/restaurant. She smoked so I just said if any smoke smell on it could she dry clean it? She did dry clean it and the dress was fine. Then she bought her own cheaper replica dress.

Was lending the item worth the relationship?