AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Mm. I think you can expect all you like but it doesn’t mean it would happen. Rather than replacing your stuff I think most people would just end the friendship, or if family, tell you to get over it, and yourself.

I’d never lend anything of mine out now after doing so when I was younger and it never working out well.

How has op established that? She has assumed. I would, and have, been very clear, if you want to borrow it, these are the conditions. If you do not agree, don’t borrow it.
And as an aside, I’ve loaned an awful lot of stuff to an awful lot of people, and I’ve never had an issue.

Your daughter is perfectly within her rights not to lend her very expensive dress, and I wouldn’t want her to in these circumstances either. I mean I wouldn’t have spent that much on a dress for prom in the first place (it’s more than my wedding dress cost 😅) but there’s lots of ways for the other girl to get a nice dress more cheaply, Vinted for example. I think it’s very unlikely that the dress would come back exactly in the condition it was lent in.

If they are people who would do that, why would you want to be friends with them?

No I wouldn’t lend the dress. It will get make up, fake tan and dirt from the ground if it is long. The relative may be bigger and actually stretch the dress. I’ve accidentally done that to my sister’s dress and had to buy her a new one! She can hire one from a formal wear shop or buy a cheaper dress. Please don’t let them bully your daughter into lending out her dress. You wouldn’t lend your £500 bag or shoes would you?!

No, I can go to Waitrose, or Aldi, or the local market. Or I could go dumpster diving round the back of Home Bargains, or ask for something on Olio if I fancied it.
But I don't really fancy doing any of those things. What I'd really like is for you to send over some wine, some nibbles, a couple of nice ribeye steaks, asparagus, honey roasted carrots, a selection of cheeses and some good coffee by woodland critter courier. That's ok isn't it, because you're a nice person 😍

I wouldn't even do this.

If it is special, she shouldn't have to lend it and it becomes more than the cost but the replaceability.

In answer to your question "is it normal?" OP, in truth I think it is becoming quite normal to expect this kind of thing. I don't agree with it, but I don't think it is an unusual attitude that this kind of thing is ok to ask.

If I were you I'd offer an alternative dress that she is less bothered about if you or DD have one.

God love you, no one is going to do any of those things for you. But keep asking!!! Everyone does love a trier ❤️

…………..and turn the other cheek when it comes back ruined ?

But they can't afford to replace it, which is why they asked to borrow it in the first place. Are you hard of thinking?!

🤣🤣🤣
Brilliant!

However Kailash, when it rises

"Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that….."

Leave of, it's her dress, she is using it for other engagements. The relative should but her own dress.

If they can’t afford it then they wouldn’t be able to replace it if its damaged

Nice try. 😂

Cool, can you move out of your house for a fortnight so me, dh, 2 kids and 2 large dogs can have a break, leave the car keys and your bank cards too of course!

Your daughter doesn't want to lend her dress that you bought her and that's the end of it She was asked, she has answered. As for the other family members texting I'd asked them what exactly the fuck they think it is to do with them.

@AnyDayNowChuckJacksonNSoul You made me check it out! I'll raise you FredHughesIKeepTryinKTF

When you're young, you often don't realise what other are really like until they let you down.

I use to lend all my designer clothes. Never again and my bags. All ruined, filthy torn and a big fight.
They don't get a £500+ dress is a work of art.

I would never lend anything (money, my car or a dress) that I could not afford to lose. Your DD should stick to her guns.

Koltar, when he drowned in the swamp?

No, she shouldn't have to lend the dress if she doesn't want to. It's very reasonable to worry about what might happen - I've had lovely items of clothing ruined through no one's fault but by something getting spilled accidentally / someone treading on the back of a long skirt, so however careful the borrower thinks she will be, it may go wrong.

Also, I think if the girl who wants to borrow it really is concerned about making sure it's returned in perfect condition, she would be much better getting her own dress of vinted or similar - it would be so stressful worrying about someone else's dress when trying to enjoy an event - not getting makeup on it, being careful when eating or drinking or being near someone who is, going to the loo, walking outside...nightmare! My MIL very kindly lent me her car once when I needed it for work and mine broke down - I was an absolute nervous wreck worrying something would happen to it and vowed never again!

No you're not, not at all. The dress is obviously important to your daughter as it was a special event for her. I definitely wouldn't be upsetting her by lending it if she's not happy with it. They can go borrow one off someone else or rent one if needed. Plenty of nice dresses out there

Are you always so rude?
I have been bones of my arse, utterly, terrifyingly poor.
I am not now, very much so, and so I have a different perceptive. Are you really so “hard of thinking” that you can’t imagine that?

Could you ask if they will dry clean in any case and repair if needed and can be done to as new standard and if they will replace if damaged beyond repair. And get in writing via WhatsApp chat! But also fine for you to say no