AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

I was 19 and I’d saved up for it. It was ruined. My auntie replaced the skirt but it never looked the same.
Honestly most people who borrow stuff don’t appreciate it or look after it.

Your DD has every right to make her own decision on this.

I’m the first at the bar, and last out the taxi. Out of everyone I know, I’d say I’m the most generous. However, asking to borrow my stuff just boils my pi$$.

What gets me is the shear f*cking laziness and entitlement of it all.

You and your DD have no doubt spent hours researching, window shopping, trying on, to- ing and fro-ing, looking at accompanying hairstyles, shoes, bag and makeup. You have probably said to yourself “God, it’s a hell of a lot of money, I must be crazy, but I’m going to get it for my DD because she has worked so hard at school/ is a great kid. I know she’ll take great joy from it, cherish and wear it lots. Ok, I’m going to get it for her”. Then watched her with pride as she got ready and delighted in this amazing treat that you’ve been able to give her.

Then a relative sees her in a picture, and decides they are entitled to it.

No, just f*ck off. Go do the groundwork and get your own special dress.

Where I do feel YABU OP is where you have possibly given these CF’ers the opportunity to covet your DD’s things. From now on don’t give them the opportunity to try and pick off her nice stuff. Don’t give them photos.

I actually have a relative who used to copy all my clothes. It drove me nuts. For many years I turned up in my scruffiest shit just do they couldn’t copy me.

You are hilarious!!!
They need the laughing emoji back

Don't forget shoes, handbag and jewellry too 😅

Good for you. Hold your ground. I have several items of clothing at £500 and upwards which I adore and would never lend out.

And I think it was very thrifty to buy a dress that your daughter can actually rewear.

Aye..wonder if the generous relatives with others belongings would be keen to lend a £500 item.

I don’t get it, at all? We have a Labour government and everyone seems to be happy about the “redistribution of wealth”. Unless, it’s THEIR wealth, clearly 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
When they’ve bought it, no one else has a look in?? It’s MINE!!!
If anyone saying they wouldn’t lend it votes Labour? Shame on you.

I've just spotted your username. 😃 That is all.

Ok that's fine, and I don't even mind that you're mocking me, but when the bluetits bring over the bottle, could they also bring some nice crisps, olives, decent bread, a selection of cheeses and some membrillo. I like waitrose for things like that.
Hmm thinking about it, you might need to send a baby dear with it all, it's a lot to carry for such tiny birds.
So glad you're a nice person 😘

That'll be why they want to borrow it...

Of course they'll agree that it be returned in its original condition. That means absolutely nothing.

Again, I can’t understand what you’re on about? Have you been banned from Waitrose? If you like it you can go…..

OP, the bottom line is do not loan out something you value.
Anything can happen to it, even if the borrower took care.
Only loan out things that you are prepared to let go of.

Its reasonable to say No. It is very special to her and we don't want to loan it.

Young girls go to vinted, charity shops and pick up fabulous dresses. Let her do that.

The type of cheeky fxxker that would ask is not the type to replace it.
If it was damaged and you asked you would be told where to go, they couldn't afford it and probably, you shouldn't have loaned it.

Be firm and kill it.

So you are actually on the same page as OP. OP has already established that the dress would not be fixed or replaced or paid for if something happened to it and on that basis OP will not be lending it to CF.

You can tell all the people who have have given a loan of something to someone and it was returned intact ...not a risk I would take with a dress for sure

I’ve also had bitter experience. A flatmate borrowed my one silk party dress and shoes - got a stain on the dress and walked in the rain in the (suede) shoes so they were ruined too.My mother once lent a friend a dress but took the woman six months and a lot of reminding to hand it back. I think your DD lends the dress and will soon discover it’s been handed around. Stand firm. People should accept no as an answer.

I'm sure I read a thread designer dress was lent out for a party /prom all the promises to return unscathed.
Nope returned trashed.
Don't know how to link the thread sorry.

so stuff doesn't gets damaged at proms then?

Lend me £500? Better to give than to receive and all the other stuff you said. I'll pay you back, honest.

yes I remember that one.

'We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.'

I'd be tempted to reply to the other family members that they're welcome to buy the other girl a dress, but you won't be lending anyone The Dress. Perhaps they can all club together: that would be a nice way to express their concern. Otherwise, talk is cheap. And telling someone else to do what they don't want to do is even cheaper.

Edited for spelling but I'll add: I'd ask them what the other girl would have done if your daughter didn't have a designer dress to ask about. Fine, do that then.

Social worker here. I work closely with education. Every single school I work with has access to pre loved donated dresses/suits for young people to attend their proms and would never see a young person disadvantaged. Schools also have access to support services through their social work links and third sector partners and generally leading upto prom there’s lots of discreet donations made of outfits in a range of sizes to ensure young people look and feel the part. My office has been full of chat not long ago too with workers being aware of local drives for prom outfits and uniform requirements and lots of the workers and their family members also donate to local schools to help out. Your relative will absolutely be able to discreetly ask their pastoral care teacher if there is any help from the school and they’ll generally move mountains to make sure a fab outfit is available.

No! Have been other treads on MN where items of clothing are loaned and they come back damaged. The borrowers never assumed responsibility

Temba his arms wide