Argument between DH and DS. Am I overreacting?

[DominoLover51]

Need opinions please. My DH and I have just been on our first holiday in our own since we had our boys. Boys are 19 and 16. 16 year old has been away for some of the time we have been away, he gets home tonight. DH and I had a fantastic holiday, really felt that we reconnected and enjoyed ourselves, was planning to return to our holiday destination for a couple of days for our 2th wedding anniversary in September. Should say that my DH gets low about work, being too busy etc, was worried on holiday about a possible traffic offence, luckily all fine. We’ve also got a couple of other bits going on, family illness, both worried about our Sisters for different reasons.

Should also say that our DS (19) is extremely capable and independent. Whilst we were away he didn’t water our plants as much as he should have done. He’s been working a lot and obviously there has been a heatwave. Plants are now semi dead. DH has spent considerable time and money building a flower bed, buying plants etc, it has been important to him. He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DS can be cocky sometimes, although I don’t think he means to be, cause of the degree he’s studying, he knows a lot about some things and will give opinions. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him. I told DH he was massively out of order, our DS had collected us from the airport and is working his nuts off tbh to contribute to uni expenses, even though he has been travelling with his girlfriend for three weeks. DS said that he just wants to see DH happy and I said his Dad’s or my happiness isn’t his responsibility. I’m just so upset that DH was so awful, he said he said more to DS than he meant to and didn’t mean to make him cry, but insists to me that he has every right to be upset about his plants as it wasn’t a big ask. I do understand DHs point of view, but nevertheless am really upset with DH. DS at work today. DH and I are hardly speaking, I’ve worked my arse off cleaning and washing after almost no sleep and have just gone out cause I don’t want to be around him.

no water for you too

That poster needs therapy. I hope they don’t have children to use these harsh punishments on, bullies love a vulnerable victim.

This is really similar to how my dad was growing up, and it's a classic case of getting overly angry and emotional and the people closest are the ones who suffer. He is totally entitled to be sad about his plants, of course its sad, frustrating etc. Ask him "if we had asked a neighbour we don't know that well to water them, and the same thing had happened, would you have sworn, shouted, told them what a useless person they were in the same way?"
Of course he wouldn't, because he knows its wrong to speak to someone like that. He did it to ds because he thinks it's acceptable to be verbally abusive to his own family.
He needs therapy to learn to process his stress, and when things don't go to plan. There are always worries, stresses, difficulties but we can't take that out on the people around us, he might need some professional help to learn how to do this

I was your DS in this scenario. My mum had an anazing garden but would spend an hour ir so watering it at night. She would also spend 10 weeks a year away. I suggest paying someone to water if its that important to him.

I have not been holiday and my plants are currently a mess with the heat. It is not only that they need watering more often but that it needs to be done first thing in the morning or late in the evening otherwise the wet soil gets too hot and damages them too.

I remember leaving a friend housesitting, taking care of my dog and indoor plants. At my return, when I asked him if the dog had been too much trouble he replied “the dog? The dog? The fucking botanical garden you left me in charge of” . They were only about 10 plants but each one had different needs and different schedules.

For one who knows how much water each plant needs just by looking at them, watering them is a doodle, for someone who doesn’t…. It is not easy to keep them at their best at all.

I've been watering my garden morning and night and have been astonished at how dry some pots have become. Your DH has been unreasonable and should apologise. Anyone who makes a 19year old cry should be questioning his own behaviour and if not, why not?

Where did she say she thinks that? There's giving opinions and then there's being a cocky buttmunch and thinking your schooling/knowledge make you somehow better/smart than the other person, and you know this. And we almost all go through that phase as teenagers, as well. And 19 is prime age for being cocky lol. Sheesh.

That said, OP, damn... I get your DH being upset, it's upsetting to watch your plants wither up; I have some lilies my grandma bought me that are just pitiful right now, and I've had massive gardens that were a bear to keep alive. But, I live where our normal summers are triple digits -sometimes even at night- for months and months at a time, and I hate every second of it. Your DH needs to calm his tits on that; from someone who actually lives in weather that is highly unusual for you guys, you can water twice a day and still not water enough. Time of day matters, too, as well as how long and slow you water... it's not at all as straightforward as it seems to non-garden folks, especially when you're exhausted at the end of the day. This heat's hard on plants, ESPECIALLY plants not acclimated to a hot climate. Heat waves are brutal on fair weather plants. He needs to apologize to DS for sure.

Your DH reaction isnt great . I love my mature garden and my plants have suffered at times when I’ve been away. Most survived. But DC have looked after themselves and the dog so all ok, perspective is important, children learn from these experiences, mine are technically adults but stlill learning. We are similar age to you but guess my children a bit older. I must invest in a watering system!!

Your husband was being nasty and unreasonable.
I have nearby neighbours who don’t go away from home when the garden needs the most attention because they’re very keen gardeners and don’t trust anyone to take care of it .
they take breaks away at times the garden takes care of itself or won’t need attention

Watering outdoor plants for a family member is a chore I just outright refuse to do anymore. Depending on the weather and just how avid of a gardener, it is a task that can end up taking hours every day and there is always a high risk of getting it wrong.

we aren’t great gardeners at our house and don’t love the process, which is why we have an automated system.

@MrsKeatsjust wanted to point out that I never said my DS shouldn’t have opinions, in fact I actively support that. He is very independent, some of my friends say he was born a couple of years too old. He also hasn’t been babied, he would scarcely let me baby him when he was a baby.

He fetched them from the airport and there's no reason to think he wasn't given other jobs.
The DH sounds unbearable - I can't imagine my husband making our teenagers cry deliberately (especially over plants ffs) and if I did I'd never see him the same way again.

It's good your DS could be so magnanimous and forgiving.

I'm honestly not sure I'd ever see my husband (of 25 years) the same way again if he did that to one of our children (unless he had a completely exceptional circumstance for such absolutely unpleasant and disproportionate behaviour towards our child, like just having lost a parent/sibling /his job or something!).