Argument between DH and DS. Am I overreacting?

[DominoLover51]

Need opinions please. My DH and I have just been on our first holiday in our own since we had our boys. Boys are 19 and 16. 16 year old has been away for some of the time we have been away, he gets home tonight. DH and I had a fantastic holiday, really felt that we reconnected and enjoyed ourselves, was planning to return to our holiday destination for a couple of days for our 2th wedding anniversary in September. Should say that my DH gets low about work, being too busy etc, was worried on holiday about a possible traffic offence, luckily all fine. We’ve also got a couple of other bits going on, family illness, both worried about our Sisters for different reasons.

Should also say that our DS (19) is extremely capable and independent. Whilst we were away he didn’t water our plants as much as he should have done. He’s been working a lot and obviously there has been a heatwave. Plants are now semi dead. DH has spent considerable time and money building a flower bed, buying plants etc, it has been important to him. He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DS can be cocky sometimes, although I don’t think he means to be, cause of the degree he’s studying, he knows a lot about some things and will give opinions. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him. I told DH he was massively out of order, our DS had collected us from the airport and is working his nuts off tbh to contribute to uni expenses, even though he has been travelling with his girlfriend for three weeks. DS said that he just wants to see DH happy and I said his Dad’s or my happiness isn’t his responsibility. I’m just so upset that DH was so awful, he said he said more to DS than he meant to and didn’t mean to make him cry, but insists to me that he has every right to be upset about his plants as it wasn’t a big ask. I do understand DHs point of view, but nevertheless am really upset with DH. DS at work today. DH and I are hardly speaking, I’ve worked my arse off cleaning and washing after almost no sleep and have just gone out cause I don’t want to be around him.

Remind your Husband that you didn’t scream at him for his motoring mistake/potential offence.. your son probably felt awful and that’s why he burst into tears. Next time he can stay home to water the plants or pay someone. Your husband needs to apologize

I don’t think it was a big ask but you know your kids. If it was something like that, something that wouldn’t really register with the kids because it’s not something they would normally do, I’d have asked or checked with them. I assume you did communicate with them. If you did check and they still hadn’t done it, then I get the rage but it’s still not ok.

Your husband has every right to be upset but he hugely overreacted and his behaviour to your son is unkind and ungrateful, given the fact that he's been working hard and came to fetch you.

I don't think you are wrong to not let this drop I would be telling hubby that although you understand his disappointment he needs to apologise and take some steps to control his temper. He went too far.

I hope this is out of character for him and he's not usually so spiteful as to carry on berating people until he's driven them to tears.

There’s no need to treat his son like that though tell him he was way over the top and you were expecting him to have already apologised of his own back by now. Tell your son you are sorry that he was treated badly and you are always happy with him.
Husband should have set up a sprinkler system and give exact instructions and times for expected weather a 19 year old probably doesn’t know how much or how long to water it’s husband fault for not giving detailed instructions on something he’s passionate about.

He overreacted. I don’t have plants as I always seem to kill them by watering them too much or not enough. It’s a pretty big job in a heatwave too. It’s not like he didn’t feed the family pet. They’re just plants/flowers. They can hopefully be revived and if not they can be replaced. Not worth exploding and making your son cry about it.

Your husband sounds horrible. Perhaps he can’t afford to take time away from the garden. I suspect if you reflect, you all do a lot of dancing to his tune.

DH has just took all his stress out on DS. He really needs to reflect and apologise and makeup to DS. Could DH benefit from seeing someone to speak to if he is often low due to work etc? We go through menopause but men also loose testosterone in from their mid 40s - could he do with having his levels checked at try GP as this can effect his mood if it’s ongoing x

I still remember my dad having a go at me over 20 years ago for not watering his plants enough.

@DominoLover51

I get how disappointing it is when your much loved (&expensive) plants die, but this was a MASSIVE & UNNECESSARY reaction on your husband’s part - your poor son. I’ve been religiously caring for my garden during the recent heatwaves & some plants have still inexplicably given up & died on me. It is what it is. Your husband had now ruined the entire holiday re-set that you enjoyed. Pointlessly. I’d be furious with him & very sad for your boy.

The first year I moved in with DH, I killed some of his plants. (He was on holiday, I didn't have annual leave, I was tasked with looking after his plants... I had no experience of it and I do not have green fingers. Forgot about them then tried to make up for it with extra water which apparently drowns them.)

He was obviously annoyed but never shouted or made me feel bad about it, and he actually managed to nurture most of them back to life. (He did say that he'd had the plants in his life longer than me, which in retrospect is quite a funny zinger.) And while I still don't exactly have green fingers I learned enough to just about keep plants alive, to the extent that watering the garden is now basically my job.

I agree there does seem to a tendency to infantilise young adults on here but I don't think this is really about that.

That problem, to me, is that OP's husband harangued his son to the extent that the young man felt so attacked he ended up in tears.

Regarding how long it takes or how easy a task it is to do, given that we have no idea how large the garden is it's impossible to say how long it would take to water the flowers.

Years ago I worked for someone whose business was attached to his house. When he went on holiday he would always ask me to water his garden and all the pots he had.

It wasn't a huge garden, but trust me, it took a hell of a lot longer than '15 mins max'. It was long winded and tedious. Maybe OP's son did cut some corners with the watering at the end of a busy and very hot day but no one deserves to be reduced to tears over some flowers dying in the middle of a heatwave.

Hi, just to update. I made it very clear to my husband that what he did was unacceptable. He had already apologised by text and they have gone out today for breakfast. I talked to DS privately this morning and asked him how he felt about things. He was very quick to say that it was ok and that him and his Dad had moved on. I’m confident that he wasn’t saying this for my benefit, cause he definitely isn’t a people pleaser. I reiterated how proud I am of him for everything. I do make sure that I tell him regularly. We don’t all tread on eggshells around DH, but I agree that he probably needs support for his mood. I agree about the male hormone thing, but he did have it checked by the GP a few years ago, maybe needs to again. For context he is 58

hate to say it but i’m on hubby side on this one. your “capable” son should absolutely have made an effort to care for DH plants

@morselover69 come on how is anyones garden looking green and lush in the weather we have been having? Nobody should be watering their garden the amount required in this weather to keep things looking great.

If your husband had given the responsibility to a neighbour or a family member, say his parents or sister, or any other adult, would he have spoken to them in the same way as he did your son? I’m gonna presume no. I don’t know why parents think they have the right to treat the people they are meant to love the most like that. In no situation would it be ok to scream at someone and make them cry about some flowers. He’s a fully fledged grown ass man with a fully developed brain. He should have enough life skills to show his disappointment in your son’s laziness or forgetfulness or whatever reason he gives, without screaming. He’s speaking to another grown adult. Not that speaking to a child in that way is in any way ok either. The issue isn’t why he was angry, but how he conducted himself. Your husband needs to apologise to your son for speaking to him in the way he did and tell him he knows it’s not acceptable to scream and someone and treat someone in the way he did. One rule in our house is we always apologies when we are in the wrong. Adults or children. So many parents think they are for some reason exempt from apologising to their children when they get something wrong. We are all human and all have stresses in our lives. And sometimes we misjudge situations or overreact and to any other person we would just say sorry. But it seems like to big of a pill to swallow apologising to our children. But it’s so Important to lead by example. Else you will have a grown child who screams at his future girlfriend or children. I know this maybe was a once off and I’m sure your husband doesn’t just go round screaming at your kids but I’m talking in general too. If your husband has admitted he shouldn’t have screamed and shouldn’t have made him cry, he needs to apologise to your son and say that isn’t how you speak to people. And not with a “but you should have…” there is no justification. Just a sorry.

never mind green and lush - the op said the plants were practically dead! he could’ve kept them alive at least

@morselover69 she actually said semi dead, not practically dead and that he should have watered them a bit more not that he didn't at all.

Regardless it doesn't warrant the outburst that occurred from DH and from OPs update they sorted it out and DH apologised.

I expect your son is used to treading on eggshells with his abusive father, OP. He's probably just relieved he's calmed down and happy to gloss over everything.

Does your husband go to work and shout at people until they cry? Thought not. He has an anger problem, not a hormonal problem.

Now this is the craziest post I've read on mumsnet for quite some time!

He was very unfair. He should have hired someone else if it meant that much to him.

"Hate to say it".

No you didnt. You loved saying it.
That and your dreadful comment about abusing the ds.
Are you not well?

OK this has to be a rage bait bot.

i’m well hydrated, unlike the plants

You advocated abuse of a human.