Argument between DH and DS. Am I overreacting?

[DominoLover51]

Need opinions please. My DH and I have just been on our first holiday in our own since we had our boys. Boys are 19 and 16. 16 year old has been away for some of the time we have been away, he gets home tonight. DH and I had a fantastic holiday, really felt that we reconnected and enjoyed ourselves, was planning to return to our holiday destination for a couple of days for our 2th wedding anniversary in September. Should say that my DH gets low about work, being too busy etc, was worried on holiday about a possible traffic offence, luckily all fine. We’ve also got a couple of other bits going on, family illness, both worried about our Sisters for different reasons.

Should also say that our DS (19) is extremely capable and independent. Whilst we were away he didn’t water our plants as much as he should have done. He’s been working a lot and obviously there has been a heatwave. Plants are now semi dead. DH has spent considerable time and money building a flower bed, buying plants etc, it has been important to him. He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DS can be cocky sometimes, although I don’t think he means to be, cause of the degree he’s studying, he knows a lot about some things and will give opinions. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him. I told DH he was massively out of order, our DS had collected us from the airport and is working his nuts off tbh to contribute to uni expenses, even though he has been travelling with his girlfriend for three weeks. DS said that he just wants to see DH happy and I said his Dad’s or my happiness isn’t his responsibility. I’m just so upset that DH was so awful, he said he said more to DS than he meant to and didn’t mean to make him cry, but insists to me that he has every right to be upset about his plants as it wasn’t a big ask. I do understand DHs point of view, but nevertheless am really upset with DH. DS at work today. DH and I are hardly speaking, I’ve worked my arse off cleaning and washing after almost no sleep and have just gone out cause I don’t want to be around him.

He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him.

This is really not ok, your poor DS.

Well your husband sounds like a complete arse tbh.

You are not over reacting that sounds horrible and I am so sorry to both you and DS.

Its been insanely hot and I think there are coming hosepipe bans so your DH needs to get a grip nobodies gardens are looking green at the moment and he should be an adult not throw his toys out the pram. Id be giving him the cold shoulder for the forseeable and comfort your poor DS.

Non gardeners have no idea about how much water or the time of day to do it. Did your DH leave very specific instructions? I’d give didn’t then this is on him. I’m a very keen gardener and allotment owner and my kids have a page of A4 notes on what they need to do when I am away next week.

A man who shouted and swore at his son so much he reduced a 19yr old to tears? Why would he offer himself up for a repeat? Would you really be voluntarily spending time with someone who treated you like that? I wouldn’t.

Over fucking plants???!!!!

That’s ridiculous and your DH is a vile bully!!!

I would be demanding that DH apologises and thanks him for picking you up from the airport and watering the plants as much as he did.
If not, then I would tell him to leave.

What an awful, awful man.

He better not expect a life or any favours when you go away in September.

I think your husband was an idiot to start a new flower bed and spend a lot of money on it when a) the country is in the middle of a heatwave and b) he knew he was going on holidays and wouldn’t be there to ensure the plants were watered. He owes your son a huge apology for being such an a**hole, and the reasons you’ve given for his behaviour absolutely do not excuse it. He needs to build a bridge and get over it.

A few things stand out here OP. You say that DH gets low about work, that he was worried about a possible traffic offence whilst you were away, that he eventually blew up over the flower bed, that your DS just wants to make his Dad happy. This all feels as though your DH has you all walking on eggshells.

The big blow up may be out of character, but it does seem to an outsider that you’re all affected by your DH’s moods and feel some sort of collective responsibility for them.

This is so very wrong and is actually abusive. No wonder your son cried, no wonder you felt so angry; you’re all tying yourselves in knots to placate this man and this is how he reacts.

I don’t know what to suggest as a next step and I’m sure that there will be a wiser, more experienced poster along soon, but I do think that if it hadn’t been the flower bed, it would have been something else. That’s how men like this keep you on your toes.

I killed a few plants this week. Watered thoroughly early Monday morning before it got hot and through that would be fine for a few days but by Thurs morning when I went out to do it again, a few plants had met crispy ends.

I am in my 40s and it's my own garden and I still got caught out this week by how hot it was and the impact so not that surprised a 19 year old might have been

Nobody ever waters your plants as good as you do.

I mean you son was helping out it’s not his responsibility ! He tried his best. Anyway there is now going to be a hosepipe ban so I am not sure the plants will do too well !

DS won’t forget this. His dad is no longer a safe person to be with. He’ll have to guard himself ready for the next outburst, now.

Pretty much this - does DH think the swearing and shouting worth it to upset his child to this extent. You might be able to smooth past this kind of bollocking in time but DS won’t forget it. I try to remind myself of this every time I want to blow my top with DC - whether I want this moment to a defining moment in our relationship. Yes DH had a right to be upset and to express it but not like this.

Christ, your DH sounds unbearable

I'd probably do similar and I'm 37, I have no clue about plants (although I've managed to keep my cactus alive since 2020 and my umbrella plant alive since 2023. My little succulent died however.)

Some plants are not going to survive this level of sun and heat regardless of how much water they get. Established plants will probably be sad for the rest of the season but do ok next year.

It's he always like this OP?

It’s quite an ask of a teen in a heatwave. Your husband could have expressed his upset and disappointment without shouting and swearing. That’s seems rather OTT. Did you keep the house clean and tidy?

I get it. Your husband has worked really hard on his plants and wanted them to be looked after. But the reason your son didn't water them wasn't malicious. He was working so he was being responsible. I think both sides just need to reach a mutual truce and apologise as there were mistakes made.

Your husband needs to apologise, and mean it. Your son sounds great - studying and working hard. Cut him some slack, most people have lost plants in this heatwave - I have bedsheets over various plants in my garden at the moment!

Years ago we had a couple of huge, expensive hanging baskets. We went on holiday and I asked my sister if she could have them for the duration. Yes no problem. On our return we arrived to find 2 practically dead and dry as a bone hanging baskets outside her front door. I could have wept, but we just took the baskets and never asked her again. Histrionics never help anyone.

My garden is my pride and joy, so I’ve always had to have someone come and water it if we are on holiday during hot weather.

When it’s been adult dd (she stopped coming on holiday with us at 19 or so) I would text her each night to ensure everything was watered. Not to blame your Dh, but did he check in about it at all?
and to echo what others have said, in this heat, some of mine are really, really struggling. I think it would be an effort for even a knowledgeable gardener to keep everything alive, especially if it’s a young garden.

I can understand how gutted he must have been, but to make your DS cry, he must have been way out of order.

If your husband was that worried about his plants he should install a water dripper system. He sounds very cruel. I would find it hard to forgive him making DS cry and would expect him to apologise profusely.

He’s 19 and it’s not too much to ask. As long as he was given clear instructions to water every day. At that age I was left with a whole bloody farm to look after!

I dont think anyone's wrong here really.
The plants meant something to your DH and I think your son should have been more diligent, hes an adult.
Equally DH lost his rag and perspective

Yeah ive found on MN adult children are really infantilised. I was looking after kids at that age let alone plants 😅 Not sure what "working hard" has to do with it either, you'd water the plants at night. Would have taken 15 min max before you go to bed

Our local water company has asked us to be mindful of how much water we are using, not yet hosepipe ban but assume that will be coming soon. Many of our gardens will suffer if this heatwave continues