Argument between DH and DS. Am I overreacting?

[DominoLover51]

Need opinions please. My DH and I have just been on our first holiday in our own since we had our boys. Boys are 19 and 16. 16 year old has been away for some of the time we have been away, he gets home tonight. DH and I had a fantastic holiday, really felt that we reconnected and enjoyed ourselves, was planning to return to our holiday destination for a couple of days for our 2th wedding anniversary in September. Should say that my DH gets low about work, being too busy etc, was worried on holiday about a possible traffic offence, luckily all fine. We’ve also got a couple of other bits going on, family illness, both worried about our Sisters for different reasons.

Should also say that our DS (19) is extremely capable and independent. Whilst we were away he didn’t water our plants as much as he should have done. He’s been working a lot and obviously there has been a heatwave. Plants are now semi dead. DH has spent considerable time and money building a flower bed, buying plants etc, it has been important to him. He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DS can be cocky sometimes, although I don’t think he means to be, cause of the degree he’s studying, he knows a lot about some things and will give opinions. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him. I told DH he was massively out of order, our DS had collected us from the airport and is working his nuts off tbh to contribute to uni expenses, even though he has been travelling with his girlfriend for three weeks. DS said that he just wants to see DH happy and I said his Dad’s or my happiness isn’t his responsibility. I’m just so upset that DH was so awful, he said he said more to DS than he meant to and didn’t mean to make him cry, but insists to me that he has every right to be upset about his plants as it wasn’t a big ask. I do understand DHs point of view, but nevertheless am really upset with DH. DS at work today. DH and I are hardly speaking, I’ve worked my arse off cleaning and washing after almost no sleep and have just gone out cause I don’t want to be around him.

It sounds like you are all stressed working your arses and nuts off, I think you all need to just chill a bit. Coming back from holiday can be oddly depressing but your DH has definitely overreacted. He should apologise and then hopefully things will go back to normal.

There is never an excuse for shouting and swearing at someone like that, and in this heat it is almost impossible to keep plants watered enough. Your DH has been massively unreasonable and should apologise.

I can see why your husband is upset. Your son was given one job and he didn't do it. It's also not like he forgot to put the bins out, he's killed plants and half killed the garden. That will take time and money to recover.

That said, your husband was wrong to shout at him until he cried.

Your DH was wrong and should say sorry, work stress is not excuse to react like that.

In your son's defence if he is not into gardening he may not know how much watering it takes in this kind of weather.

Actually, it's a pretty big ask during a heatwave. And carrying on until he makes a 19yo cry is abhorrent.

Your poor DS

It depends on the size of the flower bed. It can take hours each day to keep plants alive in this heat. It's not a small ask really. Your DH sounds emotionally self absorbed. I get the impression that if anyone were to make him cry he would feel that was the main event.

I have a lot of sympathy with your DH. It must have been incredibly upsetting to find his plants in such a state. I'm very much into gardening and one of the things I find is that people who aren't interested in gardening have absolutely no appreciation of how much the welfare of the plants and garden mean to a gardener.

Of course your DH shouldn't have made your DS cry but he also had the right to be upset about what happened

DH needs to apologise to DS

If I were upset in such a situation, I’d be upset quietly. I wouldn’t be shouting and swearing at someone who did a lot to facilitate my holiday, but perhaps didn’t understand quite how much water a flowerbed would need.

You can’t say ‘people don’t understand how much care plants need’, and then say the boy should have understood.

Nothing was ever enough for my really anxious mother. Rarely a thank you. Often a rage.

I’m sorry OP, this is really hard for you. I’d be so upset with husband.
Ask him when he last made a mistake and whether you screamed and shouted about it?
Ask him when, ever, anyone has screamed and shouted at him like that? How did he feel about it?
Ask him who else he’s shouted and sworn at, and why does he think he could do that to DS.

DS won’t forget this. His dad is no longer a safe person to be with. He’ll have to guard himself ready for the next outburst, now.

Maybe he did water them all regularly , but did it in the middle of the day .
If DH hadn’t given him very specific instructions about how and when to water plants he would be hugely unreasonable to expect a 19 year old to just know.

and yes he is BVU to shout at your son

It takes aaaaages to water the plants in this heatwave and it’s not the nicest of tasks actually. Tired after a hot day, need to stand out there with the hose forever to make sure everything is watered properly.
A big ask from DH.
DS clearly did water as much as he could. A lot of plants do recover actually.
This is such an awful overreaction from DH. Would he have done the same if a neighbour helped with watering in exactly the same way DS did?

My gosh. Give the plants a good soaking, they will probably be fine. Everyone apologises. Move on.

Also, I hooked up an outside tap to a perforated pipe that winds its way around the plants. Dirt cheap and everything gets watered with one turn of the tap. Game changer.

Your husband was abusive because of some plants. Why would a 19 year old know how much water they needed? And half of my garden has died due to the heatwave no matter my ministration. He made his grown son cry… disgusting.

I don't blane your H for being upset. But I think he's taken this way too far ad is behaving appallingly.

I've forgotten to water plants and had them die in my 30s. Your H was out of order. It sounds like your 19yo is doing great in life and he sounds like a caring young man. Berating him for a mistake was disgraceful and your H should be ashamed if himself. We all do have the right to feel what we feel, we don't have the right to take that out on others who have tried to help.

I can’t get over the fact that you think a 19 year old shouldn’t have opinions.
Also you married a horrible bully.

Your husband sounds like a nasty abusive bully.

I am a keen gardener and i am barely keeping some plants alive - they are literally being scorched!

also recently completely dug up and reseeded our lawn which my DH has done from scratch - it was lovely and lush but we went away for one night, asked our son to water it but he forgot to let the hot water stored in the hose run off so basically boiled the grass 😑 My husbands reaction was ‘ well we did go away and hes just a kid’ and that was it , no shouting or swearing!

Your DH should apologise.

Your husband is ignorant about how hard it is to keep temperate climate plants alive during an extreme heat wave, much less flourish. He was abusive to your son and he should apologize.

Drip irrigation is good. Set it up, put it on a timer, and monitor. But, if you get water restrictions, you can't do that. He can collect greywater and use that.

You’re talking about outside plants right?
Your dh could easily have installed a watering system. It’s not that expensive, in a timer etc….
If his plants were that precious to him, he shouldn’t have left the responsibility to someone who has never cared for plants.
I’m pretty sure that, when he started looking after plants, he had a few that died. He learnt from it. Hed fo well to remember it’s a learning curve and he can’t expect his 18yo ds to be as much on the ball as he is.

And yes he has been stressed but by your own description, he was coming back from a very good hols, relaxed etc… so these are not good reasons for his outburst.

I understand DH. He cares about the plants and DC didn’t do it. Feels insulting. His response was bad but he is human.

I am obsessed with my garden, have years of experience keeping them alive, and am struggling in this heat! Our plants aren’t adapting well to it.

your husband was horribly abusive to your son and this won’t be easily forgotten.

these heat waves were predicted, how irresponsible to not set up an irrigation system before he went away!

DH is out of order. He shouldn't put the responsibility of anything on anyone else. If he wants his plants watering, then buy a £20 auto water thing from Amazon or China rather than verbally berate his son for not doing it.

He needs to apologise and take responsibility for his own things, not pass them onto someone else.

DH needs to apologize to DS. Shouting and swearing at his son (or anyone) is not acceptable let alone over some bloody plants. Is this a one off or is he usually a twat? If my DH did that I wouldn’t speak to him either until he apolo and that is a hill I’d die on. I hope it’s a one off and he not got regular form for bullying.

Dh needs better planning, drought proof planting, irrigation system and pricise instructions. But, this is why gardening is good for retired people, without all that it needs someone to be around, everyday. He needs shrubs, hebes, African daisies, lavender etc. He has gone on a verbal attack, been verbally abusive and it shouldn't be brushed under the table. There's nothing major, just life, he needs to find ways to calm his worries and temper.