Argument between DH and DS. Am I overreacting?

[DominoLover51]

Need opinions please. My DH and I have just been on our first holiday in our own since we had our boys. Boys are 19 and 16. 16 year old has been away for some of the time we have been away, he gets home tonight. DH and I had a fantastic holiday, really felt that we reconnected and enjoyed ourselves, was planning to return to our holiday destination for a couple of days for our 2th wedding anniversary in September. Should say that my DH gets low about work, being too busy etc, was worried on holiday about a possible traffic offence, luckily all fine. We’ve also got a couple of other bits going on, family illness, both worried about our Sisters for different reasons.

Should also say that our DS (19) is extremely capable and independent. Whilst we were away he didn’t water our plants as much as he should have done. He’s been working a lot and obviously there has been a heatwave. Plants are now semi dead. DH has spent considerable time and money building a flower bed, buying plants etc, it has been important to him. He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DS can be cocky sometimes, although I don’t think he means to be, cause of the degree he’s studying, he knows a lot about some things and will give opinions. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him. I told DH he was massively out of order, our DS had collected us from the airport and is working his nuts off tbh to contribute to uni expenses, even though he has been travelling with his girlfriend for three weeks. DS said that he just wants to see DH happy and I said his Dad’s or my happiness isn’t his responsibility. I’m just so upset that DH was so awful, he said he said more to DS than he meant to and didn’t mean to make him cry, but insists to me that he has every right to be upset about his plants as it wasn’t a big ask. I do understand DHs point of view, but nevertheless am really upset with DH. DS at work today. DH and I are hardly speaking, I’ve worked my arse off cleaning and washing after almost no sleep and have just gone out cause I don’t want to be around him.

And making your 19 year old son cry is absolutely disgraceful. I'd never forgive him.

Last summer my parents left me to look after their house for a month, sort the post and water the garden including some tomato plants and plants in planters. They asked me to go over about 3 times a week. It was so hot I'd have had to live there for them to survive! In the end I transported the tomato plants to mine and left the other plants to their fate. I did feel guilty that for example their hazelnut tree had died but they knew it was impossible. Last week I looked outside in their back garden and it has revived. Dh is being unreasonable.

Your husband sounds like a knob. Tell him to install a non-human watering system. We’re currently away for a month and that’s what we’ve done.

My son is the same age and the thought of his dad unleashing such anger that it made him cry is unthinkable. I honestly think that's some irreparable damage done right there. Hos dad is no longer a safe person. He will now always be hesitant to tell be vulnerable or own up to things.

What a horrible man.

You’re not overreacting, OP. My ex used to drive me crazy with things like this. It’s not just that they react when kids don’t do something right, it’s that they completely ignore everything the kids do right.

Once, we came back from vacation and found out our two older kids had used the vacuum cleaner to clean up vomit the dog left on the carpet. My ex was furious and kept going at our son, on and on. I was also upset because it was an expensive vacuum, but honestly, I mostly felt bad that we left our kids, who had school and jobs, to take care of our dog and deal with her getting sick. At least they cleaned the mess. I kept wondering how he would react if they had just left it there for us to deal with.

Making an adult son cry is truly shitty behaviour regardless of said son's transgression. Your husband was bang out of order and I would be absolutely furious. Yes, it's frustrating, but he didn't do it on purpose and they're just plants at the end of the day. Really not worth upsetting someone THAT much over, especially if by and large they're a good kid.

You are not being unreasonable. It would take me a long time to get over that.

I agree with this. And if DS was busy and working himself, he might have forgotten at times. After picking you up from the airport as well, I think this was OTT of your DH.

Half our garden plants are dead now and DH has been here tending to them daily! The grass too!

I think it would take a lot of work and knowledge to keep most plants alive in this kind of heatwave.

I think he owes DS an apology.

Yep same here. We love our garden and I’ve been out there watering it for half an hour at least every day and lots of things have still died.

What a vile bully your h is 😡
My plants are half dead and I've been watering every day

I assume you all spend a lot of time "managing" your h's moods?

If he loves the plants so much was he carrying the mental load of reminding DS daily....
My money is on no.

If it was so important he should have supported execution of the task and had a plan B / proper provision.

Id be telling my DH to take himself out to the back by the bins and have a firm word with himself

its is likely your DS had no concept of how important the flower bed is to your DH- what would he at 19? Did he know exactly how often to water it and for how long? Maybe he thought it was enough what he was doing rather than knowing he should be doing more in a heatwave- this isn’t innate knowledge that most teens have!

your DH has made it way to personal, likely due to him feeling low and anxious generally. Can you help him see it wasn’t a personal malicious attack on him? Just a teenage oversight??

DH is def in the wrong here- he can be upset about the flowers but def overreaction here. What’s done is done.

He picked you up from the airport! It’s really difficult to keep plants alive particularly if they are newly planted or in pots.

He needs to apologise to your son and you should be restating family boundaries mean not making people cry. You’ve driven your son towards his girlfriend. Your loss

I think you’re projecting your own childhood on the OP!
DH not safe anymore? That’s ridiculous. An otherwise good Dad who yelled at his son once doesn’t mean he isn’t a safe person anymore. This sounds so much like TikToc victim mentality bullshit.
I don’t think your husband should have yelled at him but I also think that your son could have done the tasks he was meant to and not let all the plants die.

Your son was looking after your house while you were on holiday, picked you up from the airport, was working hard and studying, yet your DH shouted at him so much over the plants it made him cry.

That is appalling and I feel so sorry for your son. Your husband is a complete bully. Your son is 19. Keeping new plants alive in a heatwave is not a 'beginner' task.

Your husband needs to wholeheartedly apologise to your son and go on an anger management course. He's going to permanently ruin his relationship with his children over petty nitpicking like this and he'll only have himself to blame.

What a nasty bullying thing to do, shouting and swearing at a young man until he end's up in tears.

As pps have said it's almost impossible to keep a lot of plants alive in this sort of heat. Even dedicated gardeners will have some plants die; it's one of the reasons plants that can take dry conditions are becoming more popular here.

It sound like your son was busy himself over the period you were away. It's unreasonable of your husband to expect son to devote hours to watering the garden.

If his plants are so precious to him he should have stayed at home in the heatwave and taken care of them himself, not expect an already busy 19 year old to spend hours taking care of them.

He needs to apologise for the appalling way he's behaved towards your son. There's absolutely no excuse for reducing his son to tears over a load of bloody flowers.

You are right. Absolutely mad to leave a 19 year old in charge of anything like plants - they just don’t care or see the value and won’t for decades. It’s not like he neglected a pet/younger sibling or anything that actually matters.

Your DH needs to have a real word with himself tbh.

Now I'm feeling bad reading all this, as I got back last week from 2 weeks away to discover my lawn dead & bone dry, shrunken soil in all my pots. I had asked my 23 yr old son to water them every other day, which he claims he did. I certainly didn't shout or make him cry but I did express my displeasure at so many dead plants. But a young man may not fully grasp concepts of gardening & importance of watering so maybe I should've said nothing. I did actually want to cry myself, as I'd spent weeks digging out the lawn, putting on top soil, seeding, compost & daily watering which my son had seen me do everyday & was impressed with the grass.

I hope your husband can find it in himself to apologize to your son, he made a young adult cry😢

I think the big issue that you need to address with your DH is that he’s now created a massive wedge with your son at a crucial age. It is now highly likely he won’t return for any future holidays. I’m not sure you can do anything about that at all, he won’t be staying away from you, but you need - at a calmer, quieter moment - to stress to your DH how much work he now needs to put into rebuilding. Starting with an apology, and including lots of selfless 1-2-1 time.

I’m sorry he’s ruined your memory of a brilliant holiday you had together. That’s sad and unfair of him

Your DH is nasty bully, disgusting behaviour.

I really REALLY hope your husband apologies and apologises well.
It's ok to be annoyed (my partner always forgets to water all my plants when away and it is annoying), but honestly it's never ok to reduce another person to tears like that, let alone just over plants. Awful.

Your DH should be mortified that he has made a 19 year old cry. Going on holiday at all is taking a risk with your plants. Your son should not agree to water them again. He can pay a gardener if he is so precious.

Teenagers forget to do things or deprioritise them. It happens and in this case it wasn't the end of the world. Shouting and swearing is not an acceptable behaviour to me in 99% of situations and so your DH was a dick in my opinion.

This made me lol hard.