Argument between DH and DS. Am I overreacting?

[DominoLover51]

Need opinions please. My DH and I have just been on our first holiday in our own since we had our boys. Boys are 19 and 16. 16 year old has been away for some of the time we have been away, he gets home tonight. DH and I had a fantastic holiday, really felt that we reconnected and enjoyed ourselves, was planning to return to our holiday destination for a couple of days for our 2th wedding anniversary in September. Should say that my DH gets low about work, being too busy etc, was worried on holiday about a possible traffic offence, luckily all fine. We’ve also got a couple of other bits going on, family illness, both worried about our Sisters for different reasons.

Should also say that our DS (19) is extremely capable and independent. Whilst we were away he didn’t water our plants as much as he should have done. He’s been working a lot and obviously there has been a heatwave. Plants are now semi dead. DH has spent considerable time and money building a flower bed, buying plants etc, it has been important to him. He tore into DS swearing at him and saying that DS doesn’t care about him, treats him like an idiot. DS can be cocky sometimes, although I don’t think he means to be, cause of the degree he’s studying, he knows a lot about some things and will give opinions. DH actually made DS cry, which is very out of character for him. I told DH he was massively out of order, our DS had collected us from the airport and is working his nuts off tbh to contribute to uni expenses, even though he has been travelling with his girlfriend for three weeks. DS said that he just wants to see DH happy and I said his Dad’s or my happiness isn’t his responsibility. I’m just so upset that DH was so awful, he said he said more to DS than he meant to and didn’t mean to make him cry, but insists to me that he has every right to be upset about his plants as it wasn’t a big ask. I do understand DHs point of view, but nevertheless am really upset with DH. DS at work today. DH and I are hardly speaking, I’ve worked my arse off cleaning and washing after almost no sleep and have just gone out cause I don’t want to be around him.

Your husband's is completely out of order. I feel very sorry for your son. If your husband made a 19 year old cry he must have said some vile things.
He should be grateful that your son picked you up from the airport and relieved that he kept your house in a good state and didn't have a house party while you were away.

Did your DH ask your DS nicely and genuinely allow him to say no to this task? It’s completely unfair to dump pet/child/garden care on a teenager who never asked for the responsibility. It’s not an essential or shared household task like taking out a bin or cleaning the toilet, it’s your DH’s hobby and if it’s that important he should have set up an irrigation system. Fancy putting a bunch of plants over a relationship with his adult child - he might find that at 19 his son, already independent, doesn’t want much to do with him shortly.

Where I am it’s been well over 30c for days, it’s barely rained since March, there’s a hosepipe ban and frankly I think lush flowerbeds in this situation are antisocial anyway.

He did water them though just not enough and in this weather that's almost impossible anyway.
The son picked them up from the airport it's not as though he hasn't done things to help them

Your son could make your husband happy by watering his plants, as asked. He shouldn’t have made your son cry though, and should apologise for that.

So you don’t leave your precious plants and their welfare in the hands of a working 19 year old in the middle of a historic heatwave. Same as I wouldn’t go on holiday and leave my showjumping pony in the hands of someone who didn’t care about horses, had a busy job and that I hadn’t consulted before getting said pony about whether they’d actually be willing to take on the responsibility.

If things are important to you you have a responsibility to plan properly - irrigation system, reminders or even just don’t go on holiday. It’s not anyone else’s problem or job to understand or facilitate your hobby.

I’m watering everyday and despite this our garden looks abit sad.
I wouldn’t expect anyone to completely go nuts over a garden looking like it’s the worst for wear in a heatwave.
If he gives them a good soaking now and feed once the weather has cooled and they are less shrivelled I’m sure most will bounce back.
All your DH has taught his son is that it’s on to swear and be abusive if things don’t go your way and he must have really lost it to make a 19 year old cry.
Your son obviously underestimated the amount of watering needed, if the plants were that precious your DH should have set something up.

My friend is an avid and successful gardener. Her plants are struggling in this heat. Mine are all dead.
Was he told to water the plants. Or was he told to water every plant for X amount of time at a set time of day, maybe twice a day of the temperature gets over whatever and that those plants need more because eof their breed or their location or whatever.

Someone who knows plants knows this stuff. Someone who doesn't know plants, like me, thinks oh it's a pretty hot day maybe the plants need watering, goes to water them and find they're all dead because the past 5 days have all been fairly hot too.

Thankfully I can keep kids and animals alive, they get noisy when they need something.

Long story short. He was unreasonable to expect an inexperienced not even gardener to keep what sounds like recently planted flowers alive in this weather.

Absolutely this!

I’ve got lots of fruit and vegetable plants outside, and keeping them healthy in this heat has been a bit of a nightmare. Obviously there’s certain times when I cannot water them, due to them being in direct sunlight, so I have to wait until it is shaded. Sometimes at that point, something else has happened and I have been completely distracted. I was actually in bed last night at midnight and thought, shit, I haven’t watered the plants. Luckily, they were okay, apart from some of the strawberries. But a quick dousing and they will be fine.

There are times my teenagers have driven me to distraction by forgetting to do something I’ve asked them to do, but I have never shouted at them to the point where they are in tears. Your DH is clearly stressed, but I think he owes his son an apology.

My heart breaks for your kid. Neither has covered themselves in glory but Daddy did overreact a little bit. Hopefully this will blow over very soon. Best of luck, OP.

id say he would have been better with detailed instructions on how to do the watering one persons whip over with hose is another persons 1hr watering etc im currently nursing a foxglove back to good health

Presumably OP's H asked his son to look after the garden while he was away.
And presumably he ran through what would be required of his DS to look after the garden and plants.
If his DS couldn't spare the time to do what his H asked of him he should have told him at that point before his father went off on holiday. Which would have allowed his father to make other arrangements.
As it was he agreed to look after the garden and didn't. Presumably OP's H thought he had made proper provision.

Personally I don't have any one to look after my garden while I'm away. I don't go on holiday very often these days. Fortunately I'm in Scotland so we don't get the extreme heat people further South get. I generally come back to wind damage rather than drought damage. And yes it upsets me if I lose plants but I accept it because I haven't entrusted the welfare of my garden to a relative who hasn't bothered to fulfill their agreed obligation to look after my precious plants.
I'm unsure btw whether you meant the precious plants to come over as sneeringly as it sounds.

You can’t say ‘people don’t understand how much care plants need’
If you reread my post you will see i didn't say this at all.
I said people who arent interested in gardening don't understand how much plants mean to a gardener. And that is totally different from what you made up.

OP, had DH sent DS a message reminding him about watering the plants? I am confused how forgetting to do something equates to him treating DH like an idiot. This is quite the leap and is not something anyone should say to their child, at any age.

My DSS backed a trailer into his father's car and although my DH loves that car and was really upset/dissappointed it happened, he didn't say anything to DS. He didn't need to:DS was apologetic. DH would never say anything to make him feel worse about it. His love for that car sounds equal to your DHs love for his garden but his love for his boy is far greater. His DF would have reacted in a similar fashion.

You lead your kids by example. Your DH sounds like he could do with some help with his anger and his self esteem. Someone forgetting to do something enough or even at all isn't them taking you for an idiot. Everyone forgets stuff. That's an odd reaction. My DH forgot to feed his SIL's cats when they were away once. (The cats lived to a ripe old age despite him entirely forgetting but he hasn't been top of their pet feeding list since).

In this case, it’s much more likely that the ds doesn’t have the EXPERIENCE of looking after plants, esp with tge heat we currently have.

Which imo makes it worse. It’s like the dh is punishing his son for being young 😢😢

I have a DS around the same age and I would be so upset if my DH did this to him.

It's not the sort of thing I can see my DCs doing aged 19. Even if asked.

Teens generally care little about plants / gardens. So yes an overreaction.

Your DH sounds awful. What kind of parent yells at their child until they cry over some bloody plants

Be grateful you don’t live in a place with a hosepipe ban like I do - the plants would be more than “semi dead”

He’s still a teenager! What teenager thinks of watering plants!! I can barely remember now at 48. He’s been working hard to earn money - give the lad a break. Everyone is cocky at that age - you think you know everything! It really isn’t the end of the world. We all get stressed about work etc - no reason to speak to someone like that.

Thanks for all your perspectives. Agree that watering system would have been a good idea. I should say that my DH isn’t a twat generally, but he can overreact to things. Relieved to know that I’m not overreacting

How specific was your husband? And how new are the plants? If the plants are new, they will take hours of watering at specific times of day to keep alive, and a novice gardener wouldn't know this unless it was clearly explained. Even then they might have struggled.

Either way I don't think that level of aggression towards someone who failed to do a massive favour is ok

Awful. I couldn't bear my husband speaking to my adult son like that.
He needs to apologise first.
Then you need to decide if you can move on.
Don't let your son think this sort of abuse is acceptable.

Jesus your dh is a disgrace.
Id never go away with him again if he did that. If your ds wasnt there and he had asked a neighbour to water them and it had gone tits up do you think he wld have made the neighbour cry? I doubt it.
A nasty bully he is and i wldnt be surprised if ds has no respect for him whatsoever.
Hes not a 'twat'. Hes a nasty abusive bully.

His son is an adult. His son presumably grew up in the home and must have seen the amount of work his father puts into his garden.
My son doesn't know too much about gardening but having grown up with me he knows how much work I put into it. And he is aware of the basic gardening tasks, such as watering.

It’s like the dh is punishing his son for being young
I know the general take on MN is that most men and most Hs are downright nasty pieces of work. But this is an extraordinary take on things. The poor guy has come back to find his garden and his plants in a dreadful state when he expected his son to have watered it. He is understandably extremely upset and disappointed at returning to this situation. Yes he shouldn't have shouted and made his son cry but for you to say he is punishing his adult son for being young is absolutely ridiculous.

You might as well tell us the back story now OP. It's obvious your H is an obsessive, abusive twat.