My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Your son’s gonna marry a Meghan Markle & the relationship between the three is never gonna be the same again.

your son clearly doesn’t want to be a third wheel though it worked for Harry for a while

Her daughter is an adult.

The OP absolutely should not be dictating to her adult daughter what and who she tells about her personal life.

So much hysteria about a very normal and common circumstance.

Oh wow!

Gay isn't an insult.

No one has hurt your ds by pursuing a relationship with another consenting adult, even if he would have preferred they didn't.

I don't think your clear and unreasonable preference for your ds is likely to be helping the situation.

Your ds' feelings matter, and he should be able to talk about them. Your role is to help him see that just because he feels betrayed, doesn't mean he has been betrayed. Feelings aren't reality. And his feelings aren't justification to control his sister's actions.

My daughter is okay, she is crying.

Wow.

The brother has thrown a strop and is giving the silent treatment to the sister, who apparently is crying instead of having fun going out with her fella.

Are these late teens in education or work at all?

Of course, it’s not an insult, but it’s also not right to judge his sexuality based on his feelings. You have no right to do that. The other things being said are clearly insults.

I’m also a woman and a mother of three. What I see here is that, not all, but a bunch of women are not acknowledging boys’ or men’s feelings. Those same people are worried about my son and telling me I’m raising the wrong type of men.

Honestly, take a moment to reflect on yourselves. Some of these comments are starting to sound like misandry.

He has been betrayed because they lied to him.
He isn't controlling anything but himself. Their choices and actions showed they don't value the relationship with him and he has ended his relationship with both because of that. It's not the silent treatment because he doesn't owe either of them a relationship.

Everyone keeps saying the daughter can date who she wants. Of course she can. The son can also decide he no longer wants to put effort into relationships with people who lie to his face. They were acting one way around him and completely different behind his back.

If they had been hiding the relationship from everyone while figuring it out themselves that's completely reasonable, that's privacy. They weren't. They were an open couple around all their friends. He was betrayed because of how they treated him, not because they are dating.

The best friend/boyfriend is also a young man, with feelings.

Has your son currently got / ever had a serious girlfriend? Could he be stewing that his best friend has a partner and he hasn't AND that his younger sibling got to that milestone first? If that's the case, if I was him I'd be feeling jealous and lonely, but I'd be mortified if anyone knew. Personally , I'd probably fake "so happy for you two" but if I couldn't hide my resentment I would pretend to everyone that my unhappiness had a more socially acceptable reason than the green eyed monster and big up the "deceit, lies, behind my back, how can I ever trust you again" affair language thing.

Thank God you are not my daughter.

😂😂oh I do! My mother was not perfect, but at least she didn't play favourites; and if my brother had gone into a permasulk about how I conducted my personal life, she would probably have advised him to find his own girlfriend/boyfriend. Which would be good advice for your son, actually.

The brother is hurt that those he considered himself closest to, have been lying to him and keeping something from him for months. And he had to find out from other people.

He isn’t speaking to his sister because of this. But he certainly isn’t trying to control her. He doesn’t want anything from her. He has simply fallen out with her because of it. My neighbour is having a terrible time with both her sons at the moment. Neither of them are currently speaking and there have been many arguments. It’s not the silent treatment. It happens when young adults live in the same home.

What gives you the impression that his sister isn’t out having fun with her boyfriend? Because the OP said that she had cried? The OP didn’t say that she is crying 24/7. Bit dramatic to assume that she isn’t getting to spend time with her boyfriend because of it.

Cmon op, no one is this blinded surely? Nearly every post is attacking your daughter , escalating it to near hysteria over your poor wounded son. Snd the damage she’s caused, if they are all golden children you’re finding it very hard to show it and are displaying clear favouritism,

is your son gay, I note you don’t speak to that, is this what this is about? Is that why he’s so hurt? Why you’re so protective?

But that's the point of having an older brother. You can date their friends.

Is your son controlling or gay? : has deeper feelings for friend?

How your son has totally over reacted makes me think,he saw the relationship with best mate as more than friends, maybe he's not come out yet,perhaps he was hoping friend felt the same way. I think hed be same if friend got anyone as a gf, because he actually wanted him.
I cant think of any other explanation for your sons' ludicrous behaviour

I get it. I think he's allowed to be pissed off, but not to do anything about it.

2 reasons.

1. My mate went out with one of her brother's mates. It ended badly. The friendship was spoiled. We were late teens.

1. As much as people may get on with siblings, do they want to socialise with them too? The dynamics can be quite different. If his mate's gf is also his sister, then that presumably means seeing more of his sister socially, when he might not want to. And like it or not, we're often slightly different with family/ friends. The merging of both might not work.

Like others, I get the impression that your son is the golden child here. I grew up in a culture with a lot of machismo and women/girls were held to higher and harsher standards than the men. C'est la vie.

Your son was not in the wrong to be upset, his feelings are his own, but he is unreasonable to not be speaking with your daughter in her home - a month has now passed, this needs to stop, for the sake of your youngest too.

Will you be ok with him stonewalling a partner for weeks if he's similarly upset? You need to pull him up on this - he doesn't have to like their relationship, or even like them at the moment, but you expect civility in the home, even if it's a few words here and there.

Has there been any mention of how the sister's relationship is going, whether it has been spoilt, whether new boyfriend has been welcomed?

He is clearly punishing her and (unless she is a terrible person) she clearly felt apprehensive about his reaction. She did not owe him sex life updates, and it sounds as if she did not feel able to communicate safely with either mother or brother tbh.

Your son’s displaying controlling, entitled behaviour that needs to be nipped in the bud. Yes it would have been nice for him to be told but he had no “right” to know.

Your son needs to grow up!! He isn’t dating his best friend he’s a FRIEND so should be happy for him and his sister that they are happy together! What is wrong with him?!? Does he have feelings for his best friend that aren’t just “friends?”

I’m wondering this now too. It would explain why the daughter was worried to tell him, and likely also the friend, why the op is going on about the hurt that’s been caused, over something so minor, I mean it’s just his sister and mate dating, you’d think they’d beat him up and smashed his play station, the way she’s going on, it’s almost hysteria she’s displaying about just how awful her daughter has been,and all her sins, over sweet fuck all.

so either this lad thinks he’s in control and treats his sister like he’s in charge, or he’s gay and had feelings for this lad, and the lad isn’t gay.

What I see here is that, not all, but a bunch of women are not acknowledging boys’ or men’s feelings

Of course he can have feelings. He is valid to feel whatever he feels.

What is not okay is how he is treating his sister. He can express his feelings without being abusive.

Surely you know that? Or are you just going to carry on calling us all misandrists? 🤣

Instead of hugging them both and laughing at how silly they were not to tell him, your son reacted like a total moron and super weird.

He could have been like Ross in Friends when Monica and Chandler were dating and he was last to know 😂

Honestly, some of the responses on this thread are unhinged. Trying to portray the son as some kind of abuser, coercively controlling his sister and trying to prevent her having a boyfriend… surely it’s very obvious that he’s reacting to a very specific situation? Namely his best friend, who OP herself says she has treated like a surrogate son, suddenly having a completely different role in his life, with the accompanying consequences.

He’s been used to his best friend being around all the time since he was 8. Now he’s in a situ where, if his friend and sister split up - and let’s be honest, how many of us are still with our teenage boyfriends? - he can see himself being piggy in the middle. Will he feel obliged to defend his sister? Will she feel her brother should side with her over her ex, regardless that he’s her brother’s best friend? Even if the breakup is amicable, will the damage have been done?

Of course he’s nervous about what this means for his closest friendship. That doesn’t mean he’ll never calm down, or will never speak to his sister again. But he’s reacting to a difficult change and the fact it was kept from him.

OP - I think time is the key here. Your daughter knew your son would be upset, and she was right, but she obviously thinks this boy is worth the risk. It might mean it takes a while for things to calm down. Similarly, your son may get used to the idea, or at the very least get bored with blanking them both. But I think the worst thing you could do is try to force a reconciliation. Let them do it in their own time. If your daughter is mature enough to know she wants this relationship despite the ructions, she doesn’t need her mother to intervene.

A bit of personal experience on this one - my cousin dated his best friend’s sister for over two years. I don’t think the breakup was that amicable. The best friend still ended up as best man at my cousin’s wedding. Your son might find the friendship survives even if the relationship doesn’t.

Oh dear, OP. It's perfectly reasonable to ask whether your son has romantic feelings towards his best friend, given his behaviour. You seem really preoccupied with defending your son and you've made some silly accusations to be fair. Stop pandering to your son and have some respect for your daughter. Something's not right here and your update cements this.