My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Your son needs to ask himself why everyone was keeping it from him - does he have form for kicking off?

He lied to my son’s face for two months while everyone else knew about their relationship. And this was his best friend.

Look, I’m not blaming him. He is also like a son to me. But the reality is what it is.

It would have been very simple he should have told him when everything started. Not to ask for permission, but simply to be honest with his best friend.

So OP, your Son hasn't spoken to your DD for a month, an entire month, because of this.

What result is he hoping for?
What does he think would make him speak to her again?
Or does he just want to continue not speaking to her?

None of them can undo the past. So continuing the no speaking indefinitely
doesn't make sense.

I guarantee his reaction if they'd told him earlier wouldn't have been positive. I think your DD knows that and that's why she was worried.

God op, this is so bad, but you’re not going to back down in this, you’re doing your son no favours in supporting this behaviour, at one point he is going to be out there in the world alone and he’s not going to get away with this shit and have mummy there to defend his awful behaviour.

i assume now he is in fact gay, I don’t know why you didn’t jist say that.

What did he lie about?

Did your son outright ask him “are you in a relationship with my sister?” and the friend denied it? And who is “everyone”?

Or do you mean the friend didn’t tell him for 2 months as him and your daughter were waiting for what they thought was the right time.

Thanks for understanding 🙂

I think that both son and daughter have been a bit immature - your daughter for not telling your son but telling his/her mates so that she didn’t have to have a hard conversation and your son for shutting her out for so long in such an extreme way rather than processing some of that emotion in a more healthy way. Neither of those reactions is that out of the ordinary for teens - it’s unfair for adults to comment on this thread in judgement, having decades more experience under their belts.

Your son is entitled to be very disappointed in both of them and to be concerned that things change in two big relationships. He should be capable of doing more than “shutting them out completely” though and should have a bit of empathy for them too. With a bit more life experience, he will understand that relationships and group dynamics do ebb and flow and that there’s a good chance that two opposite sex people who spend lots of time together independently might develop feelings without going quite so “main character” on it (he is entitled to feel disappointed about not being told and his relationship changing, but I don’t think he is entitled to feel quite so furious at the participants for having the relationship). It sounds as if, if he were honest with himself, your son might not have dealt with the relationship well even if he had been told in a more timely manner and that’s on him to reflect on too.

I wish you all the very best - you sound as if you a good mum (whose daughter confided in her) and who is keen to support them both.

She did not feel that she could communicate with him safely? Absolutely unhinged.

I’d love to know what has given you the impression that the son feels entitled to sex life updates from his sister? On the contrary, he is obviously mortified that his best mate is having sex with his little sister and would probably rather cut his ears off than want to hear about it.

Trying to paint the son as abusive for being upset and uncomfortable with the situation, is disgusting. Honestly.

This is all a real shame. While sure it's a bit icky and weird from the brother's perspective, on the whole surely it's a good thing that he really likes the person who's dating his sister and he knows him well.

Unless your son's friend is a shit (which I don't think is the issue here), I think they'll just have to work it out over time.

At their age, I can maybe see from your son's perspective a bit of jealousy maybe the friend liked the sister more than him (wild leap here after reading too many books but could your son fancy the friend?), or more likely there's a bit of fear about their relationship changing or being really awkward if/when they break up?

I don't know.

Sure, your daughter coulda shoulda woulda told you all sooner but if she's predicted this kind of reaction from your son I can also see why she'd want to keep it quiet while she could.

A lie by omission is still a lie. Again, it wasn’t really a secret when the whole friend group already knew.

Imagine how you would feel if you were the last person to find out something important about your best friend.

OP, I understand why your ds is so upset and hurt- two of the most important people in his life have lied to/deceived him for months and he now finds out that everybody else knew about this situation except for him. And neither of these two important people have had the decency to tell him. So he has that upset, plus conflicted feelings about how it will change his friendship if this guy and your dd have a long term relationship or if they break up. He’s a young adult and he’s still very much learning how to deal with relationships, what response to give and how to manage his emotions. I think you need to speak to him and let him express all his fears and upsets about this situation, and then find a way to get your ds and dd to sit down and calmly explain to each other why they did what they did, how they feel etc. I am sure it will blow over at some point but it might take time and a number of calm conversations.

I think there can be fault all around, but at some point it has to stop.

Your Daughter and the BF should have sat your son down to tell him as soon as they were sure what the relationship was, before anyone else found out. I assume they have both apologised for this?

Your son is, of course, allowed to be hurt by not being told by them, but to carry it on and still not be speaking to them all this time on is childish, and this is where you step in and tell him 'enough now; it's time to grow up, they're not doing anything wrong'.

By enabling what is now a mantrum, you are doing him a disservice. They didn't kill his dog, they didn't murder anyone, they got into a relationship, that's all. He's had more than enough time to get his head around it and should be acting like the adult he is.

OP, didn’t you keep this a secret from your son after your daughter told you? So you were complicit too?! Wow! What a messed up family.

This is so over the top. I’m not surprised your son is still struggling a month or so later when you’re constantly making it a thing.

Should they have told him sooner? Sure. That’s it. That’s the only thing they messed up on. You should be encouraging a reconciliation between your kids at this point, not stirring the pot.

I think huge issue was that ds found out from other people. That will have raised lots of feelings in ds like hurt, betrayal, people laughing at him as he didn't know, feeling like he is less as they didn't trust him

You can just get over these feelings. You need time to process.

Ok, so if an otherwise good young man lied, maybe consider that he was afraid of your son's response.
But how was he lying? Did he say "I am not dating your sister?" He was just having a private life?

"My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around"

Just read this bit of the OP again. Has your daughter been playing the most impressive Wendy long game ever from the age of 7 and finally delivered her killer move to devastating effect? If so she has to be Mumsnet Queen of the Wendies.

Bit unusual to go hiking and whatnot "especially" when your son wasn't around- has he got form for being a mardy buzzkill from a young age?

You need to have a frank conversation with your son because the only person ruining his relationships, with his friend and his sister, is him.
He's not a little boy anymore and frankly he needs to grow up.

You’re enabling your son’s appalling behaviour OP. It’s a Real overreaction they were actually waiting to tell him because they didn’t want to hurt your son and knew he may react the way he has proven they thought he would!

Given how your son has reacted, it seems his friend and your daughter were walking on eggshells around him about their relationship for a reason. You say both your daughter and the friend are good people, so they must have a reason to be apprehensive about telling your son. It isn't just about it being kept from him, as your OP states that he told his sister that she can't date his friend. He has no right to lay down the law like that. You do seem to be justifying your son's behaviour. He has the right to his feelings, but so does your daughter.

This! There are men in my family I STILL hide things from.

You never know what will kick off a scene or what rights they feel they have over women (older or younger).

So he didn’t “lie to your son’s face” did he? A lie to his face would be his friend saying “I’m not in a relationship with your sister”.

I think you need to take a step back from all this now. Let your son and daughter reconcile in their own time, which they will.

What’s done is done. None of you can change the past. You can all move forward and make peace like adults.

As a teenager I would’ve felt hurt and upset if I’d found out my brother had been in a relationship with my best friend for months and kept it a secret for months. I also would have kept it a secret if the show was on the other foot!
so can see both sides. All you can do is take a step back and let them sort it out between themselves, they will do eventually. Don’t buy into the drama just keep things level.

You really can’t think of any other explanation? Not even the blindingly obvious one that he’s worried he’ll lose his best friend if this relationship goes tits up?