My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

I can understand your son’s point of view to be honest. His relationship with his best friend won’t be the same and it’s like he’s grieving.

there is nothing he can do about it. I would leave it until the waters are calmer!

Did my son hit him or abuse him? He got hurt, stopped talking to them, and distanced himself. So what exactly was he supposed to be afraid of?

There were many times my daughter went on dates with him, and my son called him or talked to him. He was clearly lying about where he was. I protected my daughter, but again, isn’t that still a lie?

Of course, he has the right to have a private life. But my son believed he was an important person in his life. He thought he was his best friend, someone who would be honest with him. Instead, everyone knew about their relationship except him.

Eventually, he learned the truth. Maybe he felt like he wasn’t as important to them as he thought. He chose to stop talking to them and distance himself. That is his choice too. He has every right to decide who he wants to have a relationship with and who he doesn’t. I don’t think it is fair to blame him for that.

Can you chat to a priest or Sister about the family situation? Any Jesuits nearby?

Where is the happiness for anyone right now? 💐

To get this clear in my head as I'm a bit confused. Your son directly asked his best friend if he was dating his sister and the best friend denied it? Because if that is true then that is awful

You are being a boy mum now and refusing to see that him carrying this on is what's causing the current upset.

Nobody said gay is an insult
But half of you have determined that his reaction to the loss of his BFF is because he must be romantically or sexually involved with him, or want to be.

It's such a leap and unnecessary. Boys can have intensely close emotional relationships with men as well as women. We've been crying out for men to not be emotionless for decades and now you want him to either have a valid emotion (gay) or to shut up and man up and get over it.

He can be devastated by being betrayed. Thats by far and away the most likely explanation - occams razor, y'know!!!

He can hate his sister for cutting off two important relationships suddenly.

It doesnt sound like he has a whole bunch of other friends that he can hang with instead.

He can despise them both for being cowards and not talking with him at the outset

He can hate them both for making him appear foolish and ignorant amongst his peer group.

None of that makes him controlling, or dangerous or a future abusive partner.

You're intent on creating a fiction in your head and determining that your fiction is more truth than OPs own account.

Whatever she says, he is to blame and in error, and so by extension she must also be to blame.

The darling daughter is apparently blameless.

That does start to feel like misandry when you're fixated on son/bad, daughter/good.

Totally understand your son being hurt and also totally annoyed at some of the responses to this!

It's completely changed the friendship dynamic, your son's friend and his sister are more important to each other (at the moment, first love etc) than either to him, it's unsettling and also deeply hurtful to be the last to know, you feel like you have been lied to (by omission) and no one likes that.

Hopefully time will sort it all out but for now he is entitled to give them a wide berth, don't blame him at all.

Absolutely this. I simply can’t believe the number of posters who are intimating that your son’s choice not to speak to them and to distance himself, is some sort of indication that he is abusive or coercive. I’m sorry OP but your DD and her BF have treated your son appallingly and it’s my hope that when he gets his head around things and they sort themselves out, she will apologise - not for starting the relationship, that’s entirely their business, but for not considering your DS’s feelings as the closest person to the two of them. Hopefully they can then navigate their way through whatever comes next.

It is perhaps not ideal, but I also can't blame the bf and daughter for being self-protective and discreet in the delicate early stages, as it sounds as if disclosure would always have meant intense family involvement and some degree of judgment.

But then, I never thought Jane Fairfax was the worst Austen character. I would have fought shy of a society led by Emmas, too.

Well said.

That being the case, they should have been self protective and discreet with everyone and not risked DS finding out from someone else by sharing their relationship with everyone but him.

Despise and hate? Really?

Then why not voice that?

I think he’s made his displeasure fairly obvious…

Thank you for this!! Hopefully this is enough bunch of women's with their misandry!!

Literally it's my son who got hurted here, not my daughter or her boyfriend!!

Nope. What’s caused the current upset is DD and her BF sharing their relationship with mutual friends - in fact everyone else as far as I can see - and leaving DS totally in the dark. He was the last to know and the two people closest to him didn’t even have the decency to tell him themselves. He’s entitled to be upset and he’s entitled to take himself off for as long as it takes for him to process things. He’s the injured party here.

Why, if they have supportive and understanding friends? Who won't go intense but maybe just be happy for them?

Why sneak around for the sake of it?

They told who they felt comfortable telling.

Also, is anyone working or in education?! Or volunteering or campaigning or discerning a religious vocation or making music. What is this hyperfocus on 3 young people and one home. Do they have substantial interests and responsibilities beyond romance and family duty?

But has he spoken to either of them about his specific fears?

She is hurt. She is crying.
Are you welcoming the young man she loves at all?

See @pilarr i see this from your DS perspective. Other people won’t and that’s fine. But my DB went out with one of my best friends around the same age.

It felt a little odd at first but you do get used to it. However they broke up and it was horrible a lot of name calling on both parts with me feeling stuck in the middle.

me and my DB are quite close in age and still lived at home. My friend never came over to the house again and she really shut down on me as she wanted her friend to be her confidant to have a moan about her break up but she couldn’t as it was my DB so she distance herself from me and as the years passed we never really got back to being great friends again - if just wasn’t the same.

this is just one scenario that I’m sure your DS has played over.

I would have loved for things to work out between my friend and DS and have an amazing SIL but in the end it just put a strain on our friendship.

FGS Op back off and let two siblings sort it out. In your shoes I’d tell them that under your roof they engage civilly with one another or they can stay elsewhere.

You need to focus on your youngest who must be counting the days until he can move out!

Does this 17 and 19 yr old study? Work?

OP MN hates men. That’s a given. And the misandry seeping through this thread has proven itself beyond a shadow of a doubt. Your DS is the injured party. His reaction to finding out is coloured by being let down by the two most important people in his life. He’s allowed to take himself off for as long as it takes to process what’s happened, and to move on from it. It’s not abusive, it’s not coercive, it doesn’t indicate that something else is going on or that he needs therapy. It’s just his way of dealing with it.

Lol.

Are you a man?

She chose this relationship knowing it could affect her brother’s feelings, and choices have consequences. She is crying because of the situation that came from her choices, but I can’t blame my son for being hurt. He made his own choice, and he seems to be doing okay.

It may sound like I’m a bad mother, but that’s not the case. I’m still here for my daughter, and I’m being gentle with her. I haven’t said anything to her that would hurt her.

Of course, he is always welcome in my home. My son cannot stop that, and he has no right to control her dating life.