Four kids tuned up

[Boymum776]

My son is in Reception, and he’s one of the youngest in the year. We invited his whole class to his birthday party through the class WhatsApp group. There are 30 children in the class. This year I’ve taken my son to pretty much every class party we’ve been invited to, or at least every one we were able to attend. I’ve made an effort to chat to the other parents too, even though a lot of them already know each other because their children all went to the same nursery.

Four children turned up to my son’s party. The venue had a minimum of 12 children, so I still had to pay for 12 places. It’s not even just about the money, it’s seeing your child so excited for their birthday and then watching hardly anyone come. I’m just so angry and disappointed. It honestly feels like a parent popularity contest rather than people thinking about the children. They’re only five years old. At this age, birthdays should be about making kids feel included and celebrated, not about who the parents already know. I feel like writing a bit fuck you in the class chat, obviously I won’t… but HOW do I get over the anger when I have to see these people 5 days a week!

I think people nowadays are generally just a bit flakey! Slightly different but I arranged a surprise party for DH earlier this year and 17 people responded yes but didn’t turn up!! A couple let me know before hand but others just no sign! Despite one having only rsvp’d 5 days before asking if she was too late to say yes I said of course not we’d love for them to join us and then she didn’t!!
So I just think sadly some people are just a bit flakey and can’t commit to anything!

That’s poor form by those who did rsvp.

how it goes in our class WhatsApp is:
invite is shared, people will respond
RSVP date comes, parent shares list of “yes responses” there will be a few who then say yes/now can’t come
week before party, share invite and list again to confirm number

This is so sad. I’m one of the Mum’s who has always been at work so my Dad has done most of the school runs. My daughter has definitely missed out socially because I haven’t had the relationship with other mums. My second DD is due to start school next year and I’ve already made sure she’s in the nursery etc to try and do things differently.

Except the way the OP did the inviting wasn’t clear. She didn’t get many responses to the initial invitation so a week later did a confusingly worded poll and didn’t follow up with reminders because she ‘thought she was being annoying’. There’s no evidence of any ‘clique’, apart from other parents responding faster to an invitation from someone they knew better.

You just need to chase people, clearly, if you don’t get many responses by the date of your RSVP. People post about people not responding in time all the time on here.

But the fact remains — if the OP had been more concerned with her child’s birthday and less worried about ‘being annoying’, she’d have almost certainly had more children at the party. Blaming it on some kind of popularity contest means she risks having the same experience next year.

You invite. If, by the date you have asked for a reply, lots of people haven’t responded, you chase. Once you have a clear sense of who’s attending, you send a reminder. Because what’s more important, knowing you have children attending your child’s birthday in sufficient numbers, or worrying some other parent is saying ‘I wish she’d stop with all the messages!’?

I worked FT and virtually never did the school runs when DS was that age, so the other parents wouldn’t even have known me by sight, and when I did appear at school, I was generally regarded with suspicion. It was a fairly insular place and I was a foreigner, whereas most of them had gone to school together. But if anything, that’s a reason to communicate more, and more clearly, not less, if the other parents are thinking ‘Who’s she? Do I even know her face?’ DS always had healthily-attended parties.

I don’t do December parties at all, forget it. Every weekend in December is stacked out with Christmas events so there’s just no way. It’s sad for the kids born at that time of year but there you go. July is ok.

Anyway for OP, it’s unclear whether actual invites were sent out beyond the poll. I don’t think answering a WhatsApp poll saying I can attend is an RSVP as such. If further details were then sent and they still said yes we’ll come it’s shoddy not to turn up.

This post sums it up for me. All classes have groups of parents who are friends (call them cliques if you want to) but that doesn’t stop party attendance and not for that many kids. I agree it’s an invitation issue or you or your child have created waves and people have backed off because 20+ people thinking I won’t bother to respond or attend when I do to every other party where the invite is exactly the same is just downright odd. There are always a few who say yes and don’t come (rude) but for this many not to respond in the first place and then 75% who did on the poll not to turn up is just downright odd.

She says she didn’t communicate further beyond the poll, for fear of ‘being annoying’.

She said she sent invites, hadn’t had many responses so followed up with a poll. Very clear, very easy to understand - regardless of whether only 12/30 responded, of those 12, 8 said they’d come and didn’t. That’s poor form regardless of how invites are distributed.

The poll shouldn’t have even been necessary. She sent invites out, that’s enough. When my dd had a party I sent invites a month or so before. I didn’t chase. Probably about 50% of people didn’t reply. But thankfully we still had a good turnout.

The poll is a red herring. The parents knew the time and date and chose either to ignore the invite or to say yes then not turn up. That’s appallingly rude.

I am sending so much love to you. Posts like this make me SO SAD, why are people so rude and mean and unkind?? There is absolutely no reason to not RSVP, to just not show up to kids parties and offer no excuse or anything. How hard is it to say 'sorry we can't make it this time but thanks for the invite' or 'yes we'd love to come thank you' and then actually show up as promised? It's a treat for their children for gods sake!!

and please ignore all the smug, 'super mothers' who have replied implying it's your fault because you didn't chase people or remind them. It's not your fault, it's pure rudeness on behalf of those awful parents in your kids class. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your kid and you have every right to be upset.

I'm sorry OP, that's really shitty. From a whole class invite, only 4 kids show up?
I would've been devastated.

I hated the party’s! I felt so anxious chasing replies. I always did a mix of relatives, my friends kids and then a handful from school so at least if they didn’t come it didn’t matter. But yes I’ve invited 10 before and ended up with 2!!

I wonder why you’re invite the whole class when you don’t really like a lot of of the parents. Why wouldn’t you just invite the children who he’s actually friends with and actual parents that you actually know that you can communicate with - all seems very vague and bureaucratic rather than an actual invitation to a child’s party.

And yet one of the most common types of post about children’s parties on here is complaints about people’s failure to RSVP by the given date. Bluntly, you need to chase, regardless whether you’re the Alpha Mummy or someone who never does the school run. And then, once you know who’s coming, you still need to remind them nearer the time. That is all entirely normal in my experience of primaries in two countries.

Yes, it would be great if people all responded yes or no the moment you invited them and you didn’t need to communicate further, but then it would also be great if everyone picked up their litter.

Really sorry for your little boy; hope he still had a great time.

Our school has always done paper invitations, asked for RSVP’s or if it’s a WhatsApp invitation the Mum has done a separate group. It’s awful that those who said they were coming didn’t show up though. I hope next year goes better - just invite his close friends next time.

I’m trying to think back but I don’t recall people doing party invites on the class WhatsApp group. Even if it was a whole class party, the parent still created a new group to keep all the info relevant to that party separate and it was labelled something ‘bob’s 5th. Then you could poll and and then put final details with notes such as if you can’t make it let me know.

Thats exactly what I thought too.

I get the hurt completely, I don’t want to invalidate it.

however, you need to learn for next time and take on board what people are saying rather than being dismissive.

A poll is NOT an RSVP. You should have also sent a reminder a few days before “Joe is looking forward to seeing you on Saturday at 1pm at The Fun House. Food provided, pick up by 4pm”. People are forgetful. People are self consumed.

I think it would’ve been down to the poll unfortunately. It’s not as ‘concrete’ as asking for an RSVP & allows people to be flakey. I personally would’ve send paper invitations out as most people message and respond. I probably would’ve chased everyone else up and just said you were working out how much food to prepare or something, then you would have firm numbers.

I can imagine how heartbreaking it must’ve been. I hope your little boy is ok. Hopefully word has got round to those who said yes on the poll but never turned up. They will feel like a right bunch of dicks. Horrible of them.

July starts to get tricky socially as people are busier in the summer. I do get there can be cliques but I really don’t think that is the reason why the OP only had 4 people and I do (like others) suspect it is a communication thing combined with a time of year thing. There may also be a personality/friendship thing (people will generally make more effort for their children’s closest friends). As a case in point, I’m rearranging weekend plans around my child’s best friend party at some inconvenience. I wouldn’t do that for a whole class party for a child mine isn’t that close to but it’s really important to her to be there so I will pull out the stops to try and make it happen.

I wouldn’t have organised a party as the OP has done. I generally check a few dates with my children’s closest friends and then book something when I know the best friends are free. I then set up a separate WhatsApp party group about 6 weeks in advance and ask for rsvps including dietary requirements within the week. Generally the clear yes/no responses are within a few hours with the maybes being a bit longer. If there’s food to be ordered I’ll do that a few weeks out and then send a reminder a few days before.

I wish people would stop blaming OP 🙄 This just didn't happen in my DS's school - everyone made the effort to turn up or at least honour their replies.
Going forward OP, continue being nice to peoole, head up shoulders back,smile, move on.
Keep attending parties, for your son's sake.
Try to arrange little get togethers for 2-3 friends throughout the year. We used to take a couple of friends for NT days out. A family pass gets up to 6 children in. They took packed lunches and loved it. Nil cost to us unless they got an ice cream treat. Days out were never reciprocated, but it didn't matter. They had a great time all through primary school hols and weekends. . DS is still great friends with those boys and he's 15 now.
If you don't want to risk the party let down again, go small scale next year, and be annoying re confirmations.
People seem to have become so thoughtless - it's worrying.

Oh sorry, I can see that you sent out an invitation as well. That’s really shit of everyone.

I really don’t think it would be a popularity thing though.

Genuinely not in a nasty way - is your Son a nice
boy in school? He’s not horrible to other kids or anything? I don’t have any other ideas, but it’s really shit of everyone.

Surely you don't base party invitations on the parents? it's for children.

Besides which they are clearly at the stage where whole class invites are the norm.

If the poll said - ‘Are you attending?’ that’s pretty definitive.

A follow up message - Looking forward to seeing those that are attending (child’s name) birthday party at time/venue on date, would have been helpful.

I have genuinely never done this or experienced this in all my years of parenting. The invite is sent out, that’s it. Hopefully people will reply and if something crops up nearer the time and they can’t make it they will let you know. Otherwise you work with the numbers you’ve got. Who has time to be repeatedly chasing people? It is definitely not the done thing in my experience but I guess different schools/parents have different ways and once one person has done it maybe it’s sets a precedent.

I really don’t know why people are trying to push blame onto the op though. She sent out invites, she did a follow up, people agreed then didn’t show. It’s so rude and deeply upsetting for op and her son. I’d be so pissed off.