Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

No it’s not.

That to me is kids growing up too fast.

Odd responses on this thread. Your son should be able to simply exist in his OWN home without being subject to homophobic remarks from visitors. She obviously knows what being gay means as she identified he was gay from hearing him talk about male crushes, and felt it was worth mocking. Her parents obviously haven’t taught her otherwise so perhaps learning that taking the piss out of people comes with consequences will help in the long run.

How so? I'm off to bed in a minute, but OP said, they were talking about crushes (older kids), little girl said something akin to boys having crushes on boys not being the norm/weird/icky. He says he's gay. She goes, oh gay boy
Not nice, but that daft, silly way 8 year olds have
Now if she's dropped fa*ot, pa*y etc, etc
I'd be like yikes, her parents are homophobes, fucking abort the drinks
But that's not what happened
She's a little kid
And the OPs son is reactive and volatile. He may well have his reasons, especially if he's been bullied, but he knows not to take them out on a little girl

She had insulted him first
He has a topic he's particularly sensitive over because of past experience
He reacted badly but it's understandable why he shouted

Because innocent crushes in primary school are completely normal and realising your crushes are on other boys rather than girls would be indicative of this????

Guides, Scouts, sports groups, drama... they will be the same age group in these
Plus an older 11 year old might be a secondary in England and therefore after school with 13 year olds

The 8 year old likely doesn't really understand the meaning of the words she used. Your son on the other hand is older and exploded with inappropriate language towards a young child. Quite aggressive language towards a younger, weaker girl. That's really unacceptable. You need to talk to him about more appropriate ways to handle situations like this. There are better ways he could have communicated that he didn't like being called that. The girls parents will also likely talk to her about the words she used, though her actions are nowhere on the same level as your son's, given the age difference there.

It's possible your son has taken a lot quietly and this was his moment of snapping, but it is something that needs to be addressed with him regardless. He can't be allowed to think this is okay and you can teach him other ways to cope and express himself.

Activist parents help…

Boy who is gay and gay boy are NOT the same thing

Your homophobia is rampant throughout this

There’s a five year age gap between your son and the young 8 year old girl and your son is of course a boy, so much bigger in stature. Could likely feel intimidating for her and her parents would perceive this. Also age 8 that’s not really her own opinion but something she is parroting heard from others. Seems your son was projecting onto this 8 year old girl the voices and spitefulness of the other 13 year olds who have treated him so badly - but that’s not this young girl with those two ill-chosen words she’ll have parroted from someone else.

Ffs she laughed, called him weird and Gay Boy is an insult, it's not the same as "boy who is gay"

What's the difference? If I heard someone say 'he is a gay boy' I'd just think he's a boy who is gay. Does it have some other meaning behind it? Asking to be educated as I haven't come across that.

"You're a woman who is fat, it's not an insult. It's just facts'

The naivety of the posters acting like gay boy isn't a very specific slur....

Yes, it is a slur

Especially when combined with laughing (which even an 8 year old knows is cruel) and being called weird....

I find the language around this sort of thing changes so frequently, it's easy to come across something that previously wasn't a slur that now is, or not know something is a slur in the first place. This thread is the first time I've come across the term 'gay boy' let alone that it's a slur. That's not how I'd have heard it.

Okay, last one, because I actually think you're choosing not to get this
Get off on little girls being called bitches
You really think the word 'gay' can't be silly and funny to little 8 year olds. That they know exactly what it means? Have any understanding of homophobia when they're from a nuclear family
I have one not much younger
She thinks unicorns and Santa are real and poo is the funniest thing on the planet
If you really don't think kids brains and social understanding develops between 8 and just starting key stage 2 and 13, then I really don't know what to say

Thanks for helping me understand. lol

I'm sorry what the hell do you mean by your last comment?

Being gay isn't "dictating reality"...

Exactly. Where did she get that language and attitude from. And why is your neighbour focusing on the wrong thing. Two wrongs don't make a right but if that had been my kid, I'd have dragged them by their hair to apologise for that shit. And I wouldn't have demanded an apology in return but I'm guessing you would have directed your son to apologise. He doesn't have to tolerate homophobia, especially not in his own home, the one place he is supposed to feel safe.

You don’t want to understand so why bother trying

Actually, I'm interested in why that is a slur and didn't really want to google it not knowing. But if you'd rather people stay ignorant rather than learning something, whatever. This discussion could be the difference between me hearing it not knowing it's not just descriptive vs. being able to call out someone using it because I do know.

Pretty sure I had a fight in the playground aged 8 because someone fake married my "boyfriend" 🤣

His go to response to her goading him for a response was to call her a bitch?

Where did he learn that was acceptable?

Don't go all highbrow about it. If it had been an 8 year old boy goading what would he have said?