Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

It is a slur, yes. One that I was aware of back in the 90's. I've heard it slung around regularly at sports events, at young farmers and school. It was used very much as an insult. Sometimes paired with weird, dirty, disgusting or laughing. It's still reasonably common where I am (quite rural) and is often the starter insult before faggot, nonce, pedo and the ever delightful bum boy gets used.

Yes. Felt attacked. By an 8 year old using homophobic language and slurs when he's already suffered abuse because of his sexuality

It would depend what the 8 year old said - if she just called a 13 year old "dumb" then ye his reaction would be extreme but if he was a black lad she used the N word to or had Downs and she called him a sp*zz etc then he would be justified in being hurt and angry

OKay, that gives it some context. Thanks for the explanation and answering my question which was genuinely asked. If I ever do hear it that at least gives me an explanation to give as to why it's not okay to someone who uses it. I've honestly never heard it, so maybe it's not universal or I just haven't come across people who use it.

A couple of people maybe

But most agree that BOTH were in the wrong (where they aren't frothing because he's a teen boy so is automatically wrong)

And this is why I never get in with neighbours or other parents. Ive experienced this so many times over the years. Never taking accountability for their own off springs behaviour.
Both children made mistakes here.
I'd distance myself from this family now and focus on your son who is dealing with alot.

Knowing you are gay isn't growing up too fast

I do not believe that anyone is that ignorant that they do not know that calling someone ‘gay boy’ is a slur. Especially when the context of her laughing and calling him weird.

You had the context but yet still wanted to minimise what was said to him

If not normal behaviour for him, I suspect it might have been a last straw outburst that's been building up for a while. However, still has to be discussed because it isn't acceptable and he needs to be given more tools to manage these situations.

Expressing a preference at 10 years of age pre puberty for most kids is growing up too fast.

Well guess what, I am that ignorant. Or was, since someone bothered to reply up thread, so I'm not now. I'm not in the UK, so maybe it's not used in my country. Fortunately I don't operate in a circle where slurs for any group are used, so haven't come across it.

Do you know any gay kids?

How so?
First of all calling gay crushes weird is clearly homophobic...
Then she laughed at him
Gay Boy is also an insult. It's not just saying he is gay

She used homophobic language which triggered him because he's been the subject of previous homophobic abuse. He didn't smack here or assault her, he yelled something whilst clearly upset.

Sorry but at 13 he should know fully well you would not those names to a much younger child , in fact he should I know fully well not to use that language at all , let alone in front if adults , he should also be old enough to understand most 8 year olds don’t understand sexuality. I have a feeling he might not be mature enough simply because you seem to excuse his behaviour a lot and think him having an issue with his sexuality is an excuse but it’s not . You are creating an issue where there’s e should be none !! He was abusive to a much younger child stop protecting him .

@TeaAndMadeiraCake What's the difference? If I heard someone say 'he is a gay boy' I'd just think he's a boy who is gay. Does it have some other meaning behind it? Asking to be educated as I haven't come across that.

disingenuous
/ˌdɪs(ɪ)nˈdʒɛnjʊəs/

Disingenuous is an adjective that describes behavior or speech that is slightly dishonest, insincere, or calculating. It often involves pretending to be honest, simple, or unaware of a situation in order to deceive others or hide the complete truth

Thank you, do you know when you can’t think of the right word to describe something, that’s exactly what annoyed me about that post

I know tons of guy adults. All of them came out at uni age or older. At an age where the brain is actually capable of understanding what being gay means. And I assume at least some of them had an inkling before that.

I know tons of kids. Based on that I really doubt that an average ten year old actually understands what being gay means.

Oh give over. One of my adult kids isn't straight and I still haven't heard it.

One of my kids isn't straight. Like most parents, I wasn't surprised. But they didn't let me know till they were older.

If an 8 year old is savvy enough to make homophobic remarks, she’s old enough to deal with being called a stupid bitch.

the fact her parents don’t see anything wrong with her behaviour indicates where the homophobic behaviour may stem from……

The same as Fat Woman and woman who is fat or Brown boy and boy who is brown aren't the same

Well, I bet she won't do it again :-)

Thank you for taking my question seriously.

While some have judged me for asking I have actually called out other slurs I know of in the past with people, so I'm not actually being disingenuous. I'll accept ignorant relating to that fact though.

My 8 year old (and her class) are all talking about crushes and "fancying" people. They know what attractive or pretty is. The act of sex or sexual attraction doesn't come into in any way. By law they're all doing equality and diversity classes by year 3/4. By 10 they absolutely know what gay is and whether they think boys look nice or girls or both. Some kids hit puberty at 9/10. They also by 8 have begun to be taught about people who are different whether that's religion, colour or sexuality. People joke endlessly about toddlers holding hands "oh have you got a boyfriend/ girlfriend". My eldest's "girlfriend" attended his 9th birthday family meal out. They held hands and laughed and chatted away. Nothing sexual about it. Knowing you like what boys look like and not girls isn't complicated.

I think if someone is laughing and calling you weird alongside the term they mean it as an insult and not a description...

Yes, though I'd have picked up on the weird, mocking laughter and context of being gay as the insult, not the specific term. Though I know more about that now. Obviously something to address with the 8 year old too.