Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

There's not a lot of age diff between the DS and your neighbours DD. Swearing is Anglo saxon, it only went underground because the French banned it when they took over. Unless everyword is Anglo Saxon we English speakers need to get a grip!

Your neighbours DD was OOO. She was sexist against your son, he just swore at her.

Your DS needs to understand talking about boys with gurks isn't going to be acceptable fir many years or until he finds a special friend who appreciates him for who he is.

I'm so sorry he's going through this.

I know it's going to sound odd but he may change his mind. I'm not sure he's old enough to really know yet. But what ever the outcome, carry on being a supportive mum. X

My 6yo has no idea what straight or gay is.

He needed to be told to apologise not asked. His language was disgusting.

I doubt they’ll be back anyway.

I absolutely wouldnt feel its acceptable for kids as young as 10, 11 to be discussing this stuff. 13 is borderline, but I think we forget how young 13 is actually for crushes and boyfriends girlfriends and chat about that. We're normalising adult themes by involving kids in discussions and language about them in the guise of 'informing them' about the world.

Agree.

She is only 8... not sure what you are expecting from your neighbours to be honest

His language is shocking and there is no excuse for it. He is definitely old enough to know better. He could have walked away. He could have gone to you or told her that that is not very nice. He could even have tried to explain that it is not weird.

You said: "He has a lower self esteem than when he was younger because of people like my neighbour’s daughter."

To me this is really telling. It sounds like you put the blame on others, rather than yourself/your son. I suggest you start seeing it as your & your son's job to fix his self esteem rather than blaming it on other people.

13 is a perfectly normal age to have a crush on someone. Some 13-year-olds might not be at that stage yet, but quite a few are, and both of those things are fine.

She’s clearly said several times it’s not ok and she told him to apologise. She wanted both kids to apologise (rightly so, they were both insulting and rude) and move on from it. The neighbours refused to accept any wrongdoing from their kid.

This is the type of stuff children need guidance with. The 8 year old maybe didn’t realise how offensive she was being but it’s down to her parents to use that as an opportunity to educate her, not get defensive. How will she learn otherwise?

While the 13 year old was definitely out of order to respond with that language, at least the op recognised it was wrong and told him to apologise.

He didn’t though.

How is “stupid bitch” not personal?
ah do you mean all females are stupid bitches so it’s generic?

I will always call out homophobia (including stuff on here around the trans community) but you have blind spot around your DS, absolutely out of order to use that language to an 8 year old and I suspect it was your reaction which encouraged them to leave.

Well I wouldnt have understood the question if asked in that language. But I did know that some boys made me feel squidgy inside in a way no girl ever did. And judging by how much competition there was to be Shane MacAlistair's partner in country dancing I wasn't the only one.

I also want to add, I would not try to get my daughter to apologise to your son. My first priority would be taking her away from the situation and making sure that she is okay.

Saying that the 8 year old should apologise too is ignoring the fact that what your DS did (calling a much younger child a stupid bitch etc) is clearly much worse than what she did (the younger child saying your ds is weird and a gay boy)

That’s not the point. His parent recognised he was wrong for being aggressive and swearing. The other parents failed to see anything wrong with the language their own child used. Both are kids - albeit one much younger. It’s up to the parents to intervene and guide in situations like this.

No

But what’s the point if your child won’t follow your guidance? That’s not achieved anything.

Being gay isn't an adult issue

Shuggles is MN resident misogynist. There's no thread that he doesn't join in slagging off women because he's single and noone wants to be in a relationship with him. He's so tedious.

The attitude was a homophobic attitude
Whether she understands it or not, the recipient felt attacked on basis of their sexuality
I think you're excusing the 8 year old far too much

Felt attacked by an 8yo girl. Christ.

If the girl had said something rude to a 13yo heterosexual boy and he responded the same way, these would NOT be the replies they would be getting. Posters would be frothing that he needed to watch Adolescence.

And of course his agressive response is celebrated and praised here for some reason…

He’s been told it’s wrong. I suspect in the moment he was very angry about someone calling him a weird gay boy after already suffering a lot of bullying over it. Maybe when he’s calmed down and had chance to reflect he will learn something from the experience.

However if the neighbours don’t tell their kid that her choice of words was unacceptable then is she going to go around thinking it’s fine to speak to people like that?

Im not excusing either child, both were wrong, but only the op appears to have addressed it. Unless the neighbours went home and had a stern word with their dd about it which I hope they did.

How can anyone know they are gay at 10?

It's totally normal at 13 to be talking about crushes, ignore those people acting like he's a pervert for it