Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

Ah that brings back memories of a group of boys in school calling me lizzie the lesbian.

Very immature. Though my equally immature response was that I’d still get more Fanny than them 😅

I can safety say the tag in school by some muppets had zero impact on my life though.

Imagine accusing an 8 year old of homophobia 😂😂😂 and imagine thinking your 13 year old knows his sexuality at this age. Get a grip

I cba reading the whole thing...but my kids at 8 knew not to call people gay boy. Primarily as it wasn't a term we used - and not as a label etc. If she had said "do you like boys too" or "Does that mean you are a gay boy" that would be been ok, but "gay boy" does sound like a dig - and her parents should have told her that you don't sat that to people. 8yr olds are not as daft as people make them out to be.

As for folk commenting about it being weird he talked about his crushes, WTF, if girls can then he can to - they need to get over it.

But, yeah, he needs to learn not to kick off. Maybe teach him to start with EXCUSE ME?? What did you mean by that....then id they back it up as being phobic - kick in with the rest of it.

How did your kids know not to use it if you didn’t, did you sit them down at 7 and give a list of terms not to be used?

we didn’t use that term but I couldn’t say by child knew at 8 not to use it as quit3 simply at that age we had not discussed homophobia or associated slurs with her. I find it odd you did,

I don't think anyone sits their young child down to issue a list of proscribed terms.

Children can hear things in many contexts - school, neighbours, strangers on the street - you deal with it as and when it comes up. Of course always teaching basic respect for others and that it's not nice to call names.

Exactly, but the poster said her kids knew not to use the term gay boy at 8. I was asking them how, that’s what it means when you quote someone, with all due respect I was not asking you on how it normally works, I’m fully aware. But thanks anyway, the question still stands to the poster, as you said you deal with that when it comes up, and at 7 or 8 gay boy or homophobic slurs had not come up in our home.

I was agreeing with you 😄

Sorry that didn't come across.

@Wickedlittledancer

A longstanding friend of my DD’s (who I’ve known since he was 7) calls himself a gay boy, he’s 26. It’s only offensive if it say it in a negative way, and at 8 she can’t be accused of that. Never right to be so hateful to a child

It was combined with laughing and calling him weird
That's pretty negative....

Parents are not being “modern”, they’re supporting their children and know what is best for them. Who are you to lecture or dictate how other parents parent when a) it’s not your child and b) you haven’t walked in their shoes? The arrogance and closet homophobia is staggering.

You see it as arrogance and homophobia. You have been brainwashed.

It's common sense based on knowledge and experience!!

Ye this is blatant homophobia

People have not been brainwashed because they support their children. Plenty of people know at a young age they are gay. Deny that causes them all kinds of issues.

You have completely misunderstood and misrepresentated the reasonable points that myself and others have been making.

Firing off completely unjustified allegations of homophobia in response to reasonable and informed comments diminishes both you as a person and the feelings of those genuinely suffering from abuse based on their sexuality.

Brainwashed! Brainwashed by what? Suporting my son when he struggles with his sexuality and the bullying he suffered because of it is due to being brainwashed!The son who knows him better than anybody else not least some homophobic random on MN he has never met.

I am sorry but I am not convinced you actually read other people's posts fully before you respond.

I’m not sure you read your own!

I don't think anyone is denying that homophobic bullying exists. Society has definitely progressed a lot in this regard but there is still a way to go.

Nevertheless, 10 is very young to be sure enough about one's sexuality to "come out" and make it your identity. Some people will "know" at this age, others will feel sure but later may change. That's all fine and normal unless you've made it such an integral part of your identity that it's hard to accept a change. I've known loads (not an exaggeration) of people whose avowed, definite, never-going-to-change sexuality has indeed changed in teenage years or well into adulthood.

I don't think it's homophobic to say that for very many people, sexuality is not set in stone. We'd all be better off if we could accept that, I think.

And I’ve known loads that were sure and did not change. Validation, kindness, reminders that there is nothing wrong with being gay and support are what’s needed. End of.

Not denying any of that 🙂

I'm only saying that a search for identity is very normal among young people, and 10 is particularly young to be attaching a label to one's sexuality. Most boys have not even hit puberty at that age.

I don’t think having crushes and getting early indications at 10 are unusual. Far from it.

Most of the boys still seem to think girls are icky in my daughter’s year from playground chatter. There are a couple who likeeee the girls but definitely the minority.

The girls mostly seem to think they are also gross.

People always deny homophobia but it's completely obvious that none of this narrative about waiting until teenage or adulthood before you begin to be honest with people around you is just never ever aimed at straight people and it has an undertone of "you might change your mind and be normal". I'm sure all the posters saying they just think 10 is too young to know will come along to deny being homophobic again but we all know you don't turn around to children girls who claim to fancy boys or vice versa and suggest they might change their mind and become gay.

Totally refute these accusations of homophobia.

I'd have no issue at all with my children being gay. My daughter (20) is bi. And a 10 year old announcing "I'm heterosexual" I'd also say was too young to be sure.

That isn’t in my experience. Year 6 is when it all kicks off.

Absolutely this! It’s just awful.