Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

There was a vague homophobic thread through your posts anyway

But your comment about "screwing your life up" because you "had lesbian attached to you" is blatant and absolutely horseshit

So they’re not doing the activity that you teach they’re sitting around talking about who they fancy. In front of you that doesn’t ring true for me

So we should just accept homophobic (and racist, abelist etc) bullying because it's just the way the world is?

This is such a vile attitude

You've misread it.
I said the, 'label of being a lesbian attached to me.
If you read it correctly, you'd see the point I was making had nothing to do with homophobia at all.
Rather that boys I like would, out of respect, not ask me out because of it.

So I suggest you take more time to read than accusing others homophobia.

Nope.
It's about accepting that bullying will always be something children do to other children.

I feel that you should accept this because it's reality.

I would be giving your son the language so he knows what to say in certain circumstances rather then F off. Such as "Being gay is not weird, its weird you would say it is. X% of the population is gay and famous people such as X and X are gay. Yes I am a gay boy and proud of it! Do you have any questions about what its like to be gay?" I understand he is going through a lot but at 13 he would be a lot physically bigger than an 8 year old and it must have been very frightening for her to have him swear at her. I am sorry I would have got down to her level and apologised on his behalf and said he is very upset but I will get him to apologise to you when he is calmer. And then also use that opportunity to explain he is upset because people call him weird because he is gay but X% of the population are gay etc and its very normal. You could have said all that to her infront of her parents it would have been a good opportunity to educate them all.

He is 13, she is 8 - I would be fuming and marching him myself to the little girl's door to apologize

The whole situation is unfortunate, but I think labelling an 8 year old as homophobic is a bit over the top.

When I was about that age (the '70s) I remember repeating a racist comment a neighbour had said - not really understanding it. Luckily, my mother explained to me very firmly that this was not on, and why.

As others have said, it's a teachable moment. And it doesn't mean either she or her parents should be labelled as bigots.

This is brilliant and empowering language for him to learn and probably the best post on the thread

Well except that the boy may or may not be gay and some of us think it's far too early to be bandying about the labels of sexual politics with respect to a 13 year old.

See the excellent posts of @JemimaTiggywinkles and @Lins77 above. I think the OP is at least partially responsible for this situation and her reaction snacks to me of an over sensitivity to be seen to be doing the "right thing".

So he didn't apologise?
Have I got that right?
What were the consequences?

Absolutely agree.

instead OP has made the mistake of endorsing abusive behaviour as a response. I guess we are so used to seeing aggression and violence from activists these days that it seems mild in comparison, but it’s not, especially when you consider she’s 8.

Opportunity to educate and reframe the debate completely missed.

They talk about all sorts whilst doing activities, sometimes that is who they fancy. I'm not actively sat with them all the time but can hear them. How is that unbelievable?

Have you worked with this age group?

Sorry meant I agreed with @ohdear2 brilliant post

You suggested being thought to be a lesbian would ruin your life
Which is ridiculous

No this is just vile

@DjokovicsTowel in an idealised perfect world bullying wouldn't happen. In the flawed reality we inhabit of course it does.

So if you don't prepare your children accordingly then you are not preparing them properly!

I really doubt this happened - nobody is this blinkered about sexualising children and about the difference between an 8 and a 13 year old!

Why's everyone bringing sex into it, though?
Me and my mates talked about crushes between the age of 11 and 13.
(The 8 year old in this scenario wasn't part of the conversation, had just overheard)
It wasn't sexual conversations at all - just who you fancied. Which is in my experience totally normal at that age!

There's a difference between "Kids might bully" and "it's an imperial fact that kids will bully you because you are different to them and you must accept that as fact"

Because the ones who are screaming about it being sexualised are the ones actually sexualising

for donkeys years with secondary boys

Ablondiebutagoody
"It is unreasonable to expect small children to understand choices he's made about his sexuality. "

How the hell does anyone in 2026 think that being gay is a choice? Good God Better send him off for conversion therapy.

Then I can't understand why you don't think it's normal. The poster said they run an activity. Surely the kids will be allowed to talk at some point during this time

So you should be aware they don't work in silence and don't always think about if they are overheard ...