Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

I do think context is important. An 8yo is unlikely to have experienced a boy talking about his male crushes with girls before. I could see my dd (9) experiencing that as 'weird' and lacking the social awareness or vocabulary to describe it differently. She's also very literal and would see no problem describing him as a 'gay boy' because, well, he is. But she wouldn't have said it in a mocking way, which I'm assuming the girl did, it would have been a statement of fact. Either way, there's a huge maturity and understanding gap between an 8 and a 13yo, and on balance I think I'd have taken real issue with my ds responding in that way. I do actually have a 15yo ds, and there's absolutely no way he'd speak to an 8yo like that even a couple of years ago. Neither child comes out of this well, but given the age difference I'd err on the side of words with both children, no forced apologies, just an explanation of each other's perspectives and where/ why it went wrong.

This is about the third wind 'em up and watch 'em go thread I've seen on here today.

The point is that the parents of the 8 year old need to take responsibility for educating her out of her homophobia. The 13 year olds reaction was understandable given his situation. So long as the 8 year olds parents collaborate in the harassment of the 13 year old they deserve condemnation.

If in a normal social context like this an 8 year old white child had called a 13 year old black child a n**r and the black child had reacted in the same way as the 13 year old did in this case what would your view of the 13 year olds behaviour be?

I don't think the 13 year olds behaviour is understandable at all. It's way over the top, you don't go round calling 8 year olds bitches and telling them to fuck off at all. Ever. He really should know that. She offended him but she's very young and of course she should be told off and educated and told not to say anything like that again but you cannot say his reaction was proportionate.

But no one on here no one is saying 8 year old can't be homophobic apparently 😒

Just people excusing them entirely

I'm pointing out that a term can have different connotations depending on who is speaking. A misogynistic term said by a man is worse than from a woman.

And those who are excusing the 8 year old's homophobic comments because she's "just a little girl"

How is his sexuality a choice?

There is zero comparison.

He's experienced years of homophobic abuse and what happened was another case of homophobic abuse. He's a 13 year old boy who has all the hormones and emotional instability that goes with it

It's completely understandable, if extreme

It’s very clear you’re in the “she’s an evil bitch, she got what’s coming” camp!

Exactly

We all know using the N word is one of the absolutely worst things you can say. And that it's a racist term

Bitch is a fairly tame word, you can say it without censorship and most people don't take it as a misogynistic term

And that you're in the "she's a little girl and didn't understand what she was saying whilst the nasty boy was being so abusive"

I disagree. Of course, the n word is much more serious and offensive than 'bitch', but it's an example of how slurs can be acceptable when said by the disadvantaged group but unacceptable from someone from outside.

"Stupid bitch' is much more offensive when said by a man than when said by a woman.

Your DS would never had needed to get to that point where he lost self controlling heard my 8yo talking to him like that.

I would have clearly and publicly told her that we don’t use that term and being homosexual was perfectly ok. I would have then apologised to your ds and asked her too.

Little kids can be brats and they can also say things they don’t mean.

A 13yo is still a child with raging hormones and won’t react in an adult manner either.

i think it’s great your ds feels comfortable being so open about his sexuality. Why should he hide who he is?

This needs to calm down before a sensible conversation happens. No one really comes out smelling of roses so apologies and things to learn from both sides

The two words are in no way comparable. Just stop.

This! What were the parents doing? If it was my daughter I’d have jumped in so the poor boy didn’t need to reply and felt the homophobia he’d just experienced was dealt with. I’d have been so ashamed. Think we can see where she gets it from.

That's what I thought.
You're not alone.

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

I feel sorry for both kids.

Crap parenting all around.

Both sets of parents.

Your original post that I responded to was saying that bitch isn't misogynistic because girls say it. I'm pointing out the faulty reasoning.

But sure, ignore all the women on here saying we would find it misogynistic to be called a stupid bitch by a man.

It's clear it's from the parents since they didn't apologise or acknowledge she was offensive I'm anyway

The N-Word is tied directly to hundreds of years of institutionalized oppression, violence, and dehumanization against Black people. It is widely considered the most taboo and severely offensive word in the English language.

The Word "Bitch"has been heavily reclaimed by many women to mean someone who is strong-willed, assertive, or independent. It is also frequently used casually among friends or in pop culture without malicious intent.

They are not compatible in any way shape or form.

Why is it young?