Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

What a charmer! I don't really understand the big deal with what the 8 year old said, so your DS's reaction was way over the top and melodramatic to refuse to apologise. It is unreasonable to expect small children to understand choices he's made about his sexuality. They can be ignorant of such things and rightly so in my opinion.

Why can a 13 year old not talk about his crushes FFS?

To an 8 year old girl?

He has not chosen his homosexuality! Attitudes like yours show why gay men who grow up in a world where they are abused for being who they are die by suicide at between 2 and 4 times the rate that their straight peers do. This boy needs to be cherished and supported to navigate a world where he will be abused and denigrated for being himself and set upon by a platoon of MN homophobes when he understandably overreacts to the abuse.

This! What an unbelievably ignorant post.

He didn’t, she eves dropped and butted in.

No I don’t actually. Women that use the term are vicious and I see it a lot, dropped into conversations willy nilly. Don’t like it being used then don’t use it yourself.

I think there's a bit of a blind spot here around what 8 year old girls can be like. They are not 'little kids' - she is not a toddler. Having raised two girls through primary school, I can say some of their peers could be downright vicious and unpleasant, and at that age I would expect them to understand and not use homophobic language. Children that age absolutely do understand about these things unless they are ridiculously wrapped in cotton wool.

I think it's a lesson for her - not to dish it out if you can't take it back. For all the pearl clutching here, he called her a bitch. Yes, she was probably shocked and upset, but hopefully she'll learn to correct her attitude around homophobic language. If her parents don't insist on pretending she did nothing wrong.

Do I think his language was ok? No... but you have accepted your son did wrong and asked him to apologise. A shame your neighbours can't see the fault on their own side.

Very unlikely this 8 year old girl is calling other girls bitches and you have no reason to believe that she is, so this is completely irrelevant anyway. Do you think boys who call girls bitches are checking whether their targets have been using the word themselves before they decide whether they deserve it?

It's absolutely crazy to me that you don't understand why misogyny is worse from a male, but in any case there's absolutely no excuse for a teenage boy to be using misogynistic language to an 8 year old girl.

And zero excuse for homophobia from a 8 year old,none. If it was overheard in school it would quite rightly be dealt with and severely by the time she reaches high school. Have heard the word bitch used by primary aged girls countless times.

Exactly. The perpetrators of homophobic language towards my son got 2 day suspensions and it noted on their records. It needs to be stamped out. He did her a favour.

Agree there's no excuse for the homophobia and I've said as much. She should have apologised and I'd be having stern words with my 8 year old if I heard him talking like that.

Can't agree with you that she deserves to be called a bitch and considering the maturity gap I'd be much more concerned about the attitudes of the 13 year old boy in this instance. Going straight to bitch when a girl upsets you (though I quite agree he was justified in being upset) is disgraceful.

He probably got it from his female friends. Girls that age drop it into conversation left right and centre.

Bit of a stretch to accuse an 8 year old girl of contributing to gay men's suicide. You (and he) need to chill out.

What about other slurs, for example the 'n word'? If it's ok for black singers to use it in their music does that mean every white person can say it too? Obviously not.

You’re equating bitch with the n word!!Seriously.

The type of language she used absolutely does.

This thread is clearly divided into those who see that both 8 and 13 were wrong and should learn from this and their inappropriate behaviour.
and those who would delightedly revel in calling the 8 yo a bitch, tell her whatever happened she deserved it and had it coming, and the 13 yo was righteous in his actions

He wasn't talking to her...

But you have to take account of who said it. 8 year olds are allowed to be ignorant. She will learn in due course. The reaction was out of order and refusal to apologise ridiculous.

She laughed at him, told him he was weird and called him a gay boy, no 8 year olds are not allowed to be ignorant, homophobic or offensive hence how it would be dealt with severely if she spoke like that at school.

And your thoughts if the 13 yo called someone at school a stupid bitch and to fuck off?
are you in the “yay! Fantastic! Bet the bitch deserved it!!”

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

Why so?