To not have DS over summer

[pinkgoldensunshine]

Last year DS moved to live with his dad as he started secondary school. I believe this was the best for him and he wanted to be around his dad more and his siblings on his dad side. He’s with me half the holidays and weekends.

I’ve used the time wisely, but I lost my job and I’ve been struggling for the last few months. I’ve just got a job offer and I start at the beginning of August. It’s in the office full-time from 8-6, plus commuting on top of that.

I’ve been worrying about what to do with DS because I’m meant to have him for half the holidays.

I don’t have any childcare on my side - and my son is old enough to stay home by himself, but five days a week for the whole day is too much. He won’t want to go to any holiday clubs.

I am thinking to just message his dad and tell his dad that he will need to figure out childcare and I can’t have him. I feel bad for doing that, however, for the last 10 years, I was the full-time parent and to be fair to his dad, his dad would have him consistently, but he’s always been an arsehole to me, he’s always done the bare minimum and for a long time he didn’t contribute anything and managed to get out of paying child maintenance or paying a small amount over the years. There was also a seven month period when he decided just not to see his child and I had just had to crack on and care for him alone.

This job will really help me get back on my feet and also allow me to provide for my son when he is with me and when he isn’t - His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

I know his dad will be mad at me and will probably be an absolute arsehole - But in the back of my head, I can’t help but feel that he’s now the full time parent so he can deal with sorting childcare.

I really need this job, I’ve been applying with no luck and been so worried about how I’ll live - and ideally, would be able to concentrate in the new job without worrying about my son at home alone all day. I’ll see my son on the weekends instead, and maybe can take a bit of leave on the odd day here and there. My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me, and I’ll make sure he understand the situation, plus I’ll be able to send him money for treats, buy him the bits that he wants and also take him on holiday - all stuff he would enjoy so much more than being stuck in the house all day alone.

So, AIBU? Should I put my job and my needs first or consider his dad’s plans and him having to sort childcare arrangements.

How old is your child? I think a priper conversation needs to be had. Give him notice now and say you are unable to cover August school holidays. You can do October half term and the Christmas holidays instead. You also need to speak with your child and explain you are struggling.

Surely you can’t just demand dad had the kid just because you can’t get childcare? Sounds like dad had stepped up and put his child first.
he is the main carer and you haven’t been paying the maintenance?? Bet thoughts would be different if the roles were reversed….
you sound very bitter and jealous. The dad genuinely sounds like a better parent than you.
your child is better off with dad who seems to put him first.
sounds awful doesn’t it?

@pinkgoldensunshine

Hi OP. Congratulations on your job. I’m responding to this post in particular as you were answering someone who said that your job was important, and I agree. Some of the responses you’ve had have been unkind and questioned your motives. I’m taking your motives in good faith as it sounds very much like you want the best for your son and know this isn’t an ideal situation, but you do need this job very much.

In an ideal world, all commitments would be honoured exactly as agreed, but given that you need the job desperately in order to be able to support your son properly long term, I absolutely do not think this makes you a bad mum. The opposite in fact. Added to that, you’ve picked up a lot of slack in the past for his dad so hopefully there’s a bit of goodwill there.

I would suggest:

• You do the first part of the holiday before your job starts (as another poster suggested) - that should give you two weeks so is almost half the holidays anyway if there are six weeks.
• You try for a long weekend later in the summer.
• You offer to your son and his dad that you do the whole of October half term this year.
• You plan some special (don’t have to be expensive) things to do with your son when you have him and make him aware of these in advance so he has things to look forward to with you.
• Sit your son down, explain the suggested plan and your reasons, ask for his opinion and his input on nice things to do together.

Ultimately, bring your son into the discussion, give him things to be excited about, be really clear about how you’ll be making up the time with him in the near future (October if you can) and then just keep making him feel really special.

You can't use that mindset to justify him now having to figure out childcare just because you had to crack on and get on with it-thats just stooping to his level of spite. You don't spite your child to get back at his dad. Yes his dad may have been selfish in not paying a penny of maintenance but that doesn't really mean you should give him that same energy back. If anything you should want to pay child maintenance and contribute to your son's everyday upbringing. Dad should be telling you that during your arranged time with your son it's on you to sort out and fund childcare just like it's on him during his time

Well frankly, it sounds to me that Dad was a pretty useless parent while it suited him to be and the fact that he isn't now is probably down to the fact that he is with a woman who has taken on all the practical aspects of parenting as she has children of her own. And if I was OP I wouldn't give a fourpenny fuck about inconveniencing him as he certainly wasn't too bothered about leaving her to struggle as a single parent with very little support for their child's first 12 years.

OP has to work so that she can keep herself and her son housed and fed and it doesn't:seem that she has too many choices at the moment.
She's doing the best she can in difficult circumstances and telling her that she's awful is really shitty, especially when she's simply trying to do the best she can for her son. I think all the supposedly perfect parents on this board need to cut her some slack.

12 years?? Have I read the thread incorrectly?

You’re making excuses OP. There’s no situation would have prevented me finding a way or making one to spend time with my DC and I like many worked some weeks 50-70 hours, also in survival mode, so worlds smallest violin 🎻 on that score. Put yourself first if you want to but don’t narrate it’s a great thing to do.

@UnintentionalArcher has some great advice:

I would suggest:

• You do the first part of the holiday before your job starts (as another poster suggested) - that should give you two weeks so is almost half the holidays anyway if there are six weeks.
• You try for a long weekend later in the summer.
• You offer to your son and his dad that you do the whole of October half term this year.
• You plan some special (don’t have to be expensive) things to do with your son when you have him and make him aware of these in advance so he has things to look forward to with you.
• Sit your son down, explain the suggested plan and your reasons, ask for his opinion and his input on nice things to do together.

If this was the dad posting the responses would be different.

I think this is the poster who was desperate for her son to move in with his dad last year as she had pretty much had enough of parenting. I’m not convinced she’s that keen on finding a solution

Well done on getting a job to pay the bills and give your ds what he needs

juggling work as a single parent is hard

look at it that it’s 4w of aug to cover

you can spend July with him once breaks up from school

if you share holidays that’s 6w so 3 each

you take the first 2 of July. Then dad the 2nd two of August. Then you do 3w of aug and say to ds that he’s welcome to stay at yours - maybe have a friend over for a sleepover - yes he can spend the day by self. Or go to dads if prefers tue Wed Thur

and with you Mon and Fri and weekend so doesn’t seem so far alone

4th week with dad Tue to Fri. Bank hol Monday with you

His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

Well if you can't work that will not be happening, so it may be in his best interests to support you over the Summer holidays this year. As others have suggested you do the July bit and let him cover August and then get your holidays booked for future school holidays where you can.

I’m sorry but did you just say juggling work as a single parent is hard to the parent that does eow and half of holidays.

You must be having a laugh now. Honestly if op was a bloke his balls would have been garters by now on here.