To not have DS over summer

[pinkgoldensunshine]

Last year DS moved to live with his dad as he started secondary school. I believe this was the best for him and he wanted to be around his dad more and his siblings on his dad side. He’s with me half the holidays and weekends.

I’ve used the time wisely, but I lost my job and I’ve been struggling for the last few months. I’ve just got a job offer and I start at the beginning of August. It’s in the office full-time from 8-6, plus commuting on top of that.

I’ve been worrying about what to do with DS because I’m meant to have him for half the holidays.

I don’t have any childcare on my side - and my son is old enough to stay home by himself, but five days a week for the whole day is too much. He won’t want to go to any holiday clubs.

I am thinking to just message his dad and tell his dad that he will need to figure out childcare and I can’t have him. I feel bad for doing that, however, for the last 10 years, I was the full-time parent and to be fair to his dad, his dad would have him consistently, but he’s always been an arsehole to me, he’s always done the bare minimum and for a long time he didn’t contribute anything and managed to get out of paying child maintenance or paying a small amount over the years. There was also a seven month period when he decided just not to see his child and I had just had to crack on and care for him alone.

This job will really help me get back on my feet and also allow me to provide for my son when he is with me and when he isn’t - His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

I know his dad will be mad at me and will probably be an absolute arsehole - But in the back of my head, I can’t help but feel that he’s now the full time parent so he can deal with sorting childcare.

I really need this job, I’ve been applying with no luck and been so worried about how I’ll live - and ideally, would be able to concentrate in the new job without worrying about my son at home alone all day. I’ll see my son on the weekends instead, and maybe can take a bit of leave on the odd day here and there. My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me, and I’ll make sure he understand the situation, plus I’ll be able to send him money for treats, buy him the bits that he wants and also take him on holiday - all stuff he would enjoy so much more than being stuck in the house all day alone.

So, AIBU? Should I put my job and my needs first or consider his dad’s plans and him having to sort childcare arrangements.

explain to your son he will be home alone so it’s up to him if he still wants to come. I wouldn’t say no he can’t come, give him the choice and then if he wants to come he stays at home and you get in with it

Honestly it’s one summer while you get back on your feet. At 13 I think he will understand that, I would have. It’s not ideal for sure, but realistically you need to be able to financially provide for him and yourself. It’s better he miss one summer than he gets the summer but you lose your house or something.

Give him the choice to be home alone and then let him decide. It’s shitty that it might be getting dumped on his dad to sort childcare, but if this is the only option and you are in a bad financial situation he’s just gonna have to deal.

I would say when you can afford it, arrange something for him that’s a real treat. Day out, new games console, idk whatever the teen boys are into at the moment.

@pinkgoldensunshine you need to get back on your feet financially this will be best for your child in the long term. The alternative is benefits and this is a disastrous long-term plan and will not benefit your child in any way, shape or form. As long as you explain it’s a one-off (to your Ex and DC) and everyone will benefit from you working then I can’t see this damaging your relationship with your DC.

I hope your Ex helps you out.

Absolutely this, don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck with your new job.

If a dad wrote this he'd be slaughtered, its your responsibility, you sort out the childcare! You can't just not see your child.

You're getting such a hard time on here when all you're trying to do is survive, not lose your house, and make a better life for your son who won't even mind staying at his dad's. If any of those criticising you are doing so from the comfort of their stable, middle class and relatively easy lives then frankly I think they should take a good look at themselves and ask themselves whether they've lost their compassion.

Ask your son what he'd like to do and take it from there. At 13 he's old enough to be part of the decision. And it's also understandable he would prefer being in a busy household with siblings near his own age and isn't necessarily a reflection on his relationship with you.

Gosh, don't people love to berate mothers and keep them under the cost of their children. Could see it coming as soon as I read the OP.

I do t see anything wrong with what you’re proposing if your DS will be fine with it. Just tell the ex factually that you’ll be able can have DS for July and have a new job starting in august so he’ll start getting maintenance payments then.

I think people are being pretty horrible to you OP.
It sounds like you've been trying to get work for ages and are running out of money. The job market is awful at the moment and women are having the worst time with that. It also sounds like you've been pushed out a bit, which must be so hard.
If the worst comes to the worst, then have your son and let him be alone at home while you're at work. I have 2 teenagers who lock themselves in their rooms for up to 12 hours oer day sometimes. It's not good but it's the reality. Do not try to negotiate anything in the new job, because working mums are always targets anyway, so don't put yourself at risk of unwanted scrutiny until you're a few months.

It’s not mothers, it’s non-resident parents who don’t see their children when it’s inconvenient. In this case it’s a woman.Do you defend fathers in this situation?

Why don't the 3 of you discuss it like adults. I worked the summer ds was 12 and ex was completely absent. We worked out a cycle route from home to the local pool and to one of his friends without going on roads with cars.
I bought him a season ticket to the pool, he had a few local mates and we made it work.

I left packed lunches, treasure hunts, swimming kit, challenges etc. Ds and his friends took over the garden sun loungers so I bought some garden games and made sure there was always plenty of food. They survived.

Brutal and unfair

Meant to say under the cosh of their children, not cost.
OP gave her reasons and they are totally real and legitimate.
Would I say the same about a male non resident parent? I can say so, but it has no impact on men very often leaving all the sacrifices to the woman, as if she was born for it.
Posters on here do the same.

The dad did do this. He didnt see the kid for 7 months, and messed op about with maintenance.

She's trying to get back on her feet, not going off on holiday. She's still going to see her son at weekends.

As long as she speaks to her son, explains what shes doing and makes sure hes ok with it, I dont see the issue. She certainly doesn't owe her ex anything.

What about the sad reflexion of the parental alienating the dad is dishing out.
Posters like you would willingly see the OP broken into little pieces- I guess you want proof of b ongoing suffeon her part before you can be satisfied she's a 'good' mother.

Or else of course you're just a professional stirrer.

It is a shite situation but long term gain for short term pain really - the job is crucial.

I don't get where some of these sanctimonious vicious commenters are coming from - would you really rather the OP ends up homeless, ends up on benefits permanently etc?

@pinkgoldensunshine Talk to your kiddo. Don't say 'not my problem' and 'your dad will have to...' just give him the options and be honest with him.

'I have to work, you are welcome to stay but I will be out all day and it might be pretty boring and lonely. Here are the alternatives, what do YOU want to do?'

Just speak to DS and his dad ultimately he can come to you but he will be in his own all day not the end of the world

tbh he might not want to come this is not a dig or reflection your relationship but there’s more going on at his dads

At 12 he's not going to want to spend much 1 to 1 time with you anyway.
Where are his friends. Does he have friends where you live?
At 12 he can choose anyway.

How exactly do you propose she has her child when she loses her home and ends up in a homeless accommodation bedsit with shared bathroom?

The poor woman has managed to secure a new job just before she is completely destitute and as a result his father (who isn't a single parent and has multiple other children but didn't pay for this child for 2 years) will have to provide for his child for a single full holiday.

Good luck @pinkgoldensunshine, once you are established in your new job you will have options to make up some missed time with your son.

I appreciate you have to work but I would try everything to have him full time before you start your job. I would be concerned he would feel rejected.

If you need money now Roamler is a great app for work

ANd Shepper.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/4953179-earn-ps10-a-day?page=40
You can earn aroun £3k tax free

I totally understand OP, you need the job, you need the money, you don’t want to start setting terms that might impact your desirability.

I don’t think it’s as big a deal as others make out, these things happen in life.

A 13 year old boy is not going to be that bothered where he spends August and he may prefer it with the other kids.

Ex may be pissed off but he doesn’t have a leg to stand on on that score.

@Newyearawaits, so sorry, my last post was meant for @AnneLovesGilbert , not you.
Am in the sun and didn't notice the quote went wrong.

Agreed. It’s completely bizarre.