To not have DS over summer

[pinkgoldensunshine]

Last year DS moved to live with his dad as he started secondary school. I believe this was the best for him and he wanted to be around his dad more and his siblings on his dad side. He’s with me half the holidays and weekends.

I’ve used the time wisely, but I lost my job and I’ve been struggling for the last few months. I’ve just got a job offer and I start at the beginning of August. It’s in the office full-time from 8-6, plus commuting on top of that.

I’ve been worrying about what to do with DS because I’m meant to have him for half the holidays.

I don’t have any childcare on my side - and my son is old enough to stay home by himself, but five days a week for the whole day is too much. He won’t want to go to any holiday clubs.

I am thinking to just message his dad and tell his dad that he will need to figure out childcare and I can’t have him. I feel bad for doing that, however, for the last 10 years, I was the full-time parent and to be fair to his dad, his dad would have him consistently, but he’s always been an arsehole to me, he’s always done the bare minimum and for a long time he didn’t contribute anything and managed to get out of paying child maintenance or paying a small amount over the years. There was also a seven month period when he decided just not to see his child and I had just had to crack on and care for him alone.

This job will really help me get back on my feet and also allow me to provide for my son when he is with me and when he isn’t - His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

I know his dad will be mad at me and will probably be an absolute arsehole - But in the back of my head, I can’t help but feel that he’s now the full time parent so he can deal with sorting childcare.

I really need this job, I’ve been applying with no luck and been so worried about how I’ll live - and ideally, would be able to concentrate in the new job without worrying about my son at home alone all day. I’ll see my son on the weekends instead, and maybe can take a bit of leave on the odd day here and there. My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me, and I’ll make sure he understand the situation, plus I’ll be able to send him money for treats, buy him the bits that he wants and also take him on holiday - all stuff he would enjoy so much more than being stuck in the house all day alone.

So, AIBU? Should I put my job and my needs first or consider his dad’s plans and him having to sort childcare arrangements.

If he's with you half the holidays, can it be split? So you have him from school breaking up to the new job starting then again later in the summer once you know whether you can take the odd long weekend or similar before he goes back to school?

What childcare is dad having access to that you won’t?

Why did you accept an August start? Can you ask push back to September?

Presumably she needs the money asap. It's in his dad's interests for you to be working so he will get his maintenance, hopefully you can come to an arrangement of some sort if he realises he will be hit in the pocket if you can't start the job?

I mean you can do that but it makes you a pretty poor parent.

Very much a sorry not my problem over your own child, it’s your custody time so it’s your job to have him or make arrangements such as asking not telling the other parent they will be having them.

Though good news at least with a job again you’ll be able to pay maintenance again.

I could do this and will propose it to him.

Sorry it’s your job to sort childcare if needed on your time. You can’t just say to his father “not my problem”

He has a wife and three other kids - two are similar ages to our DS. He also has family support.

It looks like spite but as with all non resident parents, he can’t force you to be there for your child.

My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me

Don’t you think this is a sad reflection of your relationship with him?

How far about do you live? Close enough for DS to make his own way between homes so he can decide whether to come to you for the after work period, or for some of the days?

I think it's pretty poor to say you can't have him. Not because of your ex, but because of the message that it is sending your child that you don't particularly care about seeing him.

And your statement that he 100% won't mind worries me. Will he really 100% not mind, or has he just got used to telling the adults in his life what they want to hear?

I’m the primary carer for my child and if their dad said ‘sorry I can’t have him on my week to have him you will have to sort something out’ I’d be fuming. It’s absolutely not acceptable.

You can ask him, yes, but you cannot in good conscience just say tough luck deal with it

Is figuring out childcare going to be any easier for his dad?

It's an awkward age, as they're outgrowing holiday clubs but not really old enough to be left for the whole day every day.

If dad works from home, then it makes much more sense for him to be at his dad's. What age are the siblings? Are they either young enough that someone is looking after them, or old enough that they could be asked to keep an eye on him? Would dad be amenable to that?

I don't think you can say "you organise the whole summer holiday", but it is reasonable to say "I can have him all of July, but if I have him in August I'll have to put him in holiday clubs that he doesn't want to do; can we work things so he spends most of August with you, and I'll give you some extra towards costs."

Perhaps you could ask your son what he would prefer? He's of an age to decide where he wants to be..if he wants to spend the time with you and happy to be on his own whilst you're working leave things as planned. Explain the situation to him let him choose.

I really do need the money and can’t wait. I’ve been so stressed and can just about support my son when he’s with me.

This is a good idea and I will ask him. I don’t want to be difficult but I am in survival mode.

I think you need to take the job and discuss with your DC what he would like to do. He may love having some alone time in the day. Then you both can spend quality time in the evenings and weekends. Alternatively, he may decide to stay at his Dads as long as they haven’t planned to go away during these weeks.

As your DC is in secondary school, he’s old enough to decide. He’ll probably choose where his gaming computer is located - I know my son would!

Perhaps it's just that her son is happy with either parent and understands that mum needs to work (and he'll have more company at dad's). He'll presumably still visit mum on weekends. It's not failure to have a child who is comfortable living with either parent - it's success.

I can’t even afford holiday clubs. I’m minus in my accounts atm. Every day I’m stressed and trying to figure out how I’ll live. His dad has more childcare options.

That’s exactly how I felt when his dad did it to me - I just had to figure stuff out. That’s the drawdown of being the full time parent sadly!

How old is your son? How often do you see him now?

I feel that if this was a dad not wanting to see their child there would be a lot of negativity towards them being a useless parent.

Are you involved in other aspects of your son's life?

She does want to see her son but she also needs a job to survive.

Yes it’s sad, but I’ve accepted that I’m not the fun house and his dad has most definitely alienated him from me over the last decade and more so since he moved there. My son knows I love him and everything I do is for him and a better future for us - whether he’s mainly living at his dads or mine.

He’s 13. I have him weekends and half the holidays.
His dad over the years hasnt paid maintenance when he was earning low money and there was almost two years where he decided to do an apprenticeship and gave me nothing - I just had to crack on. This is how I’m semi justifying it.

So presumably you don't pay maintenance to him either now he is the main parent, so if you want to play it like that then you are equal.

At 13 I would imagine he could choose which house to be at. As long as you still spend time at the weekend with him then that will be ok, or could he call round for tea a couple of evenings?

I would have thought he would be out with mates a lot of the time anyway so childcare isn't the issue.

You can't just parent when it's convenient. And yes that should have applied to him in the past, just because he's been a rubbish parent doesn't mean you should be!

Also if we were talking about a toddler, they might not realise or remember, but with a teenager he'll remember he wasn't wanted or prioritised by you that summer and it may have a long-term impact on your relationship with him.

Jobs usually honor pre-existing commitments, so you should be able to negotiate some time off with your son using summer.