To not have DS over summer

[pinkgoldensunshine]

Last year DS moved to live with his dad as he started secondary school. I believe this was the best for him and he wanted to be around his dad more and his siblings on his dad side. He’s with me half the holidays and weekends.

I’ve used the time wisely, but I lost my job and I’ve been struggling for the last few months. I’ve just got a job offer and I start at the beginning of August. It’s in the office full-time from 8-6, plus commuting on top of that.

I’ve been worrying about what to do with DS because I’m meant to have him for half the holidays.

I don’t have any childcare on my side - and my son is old enough to stay home by himself, but five days a week for the whole day is too much. He won’t want to go to any holiday clubs.

I am thinking to just message his dad and tell his dad that he will need to figure out childcare and I can’t have him. I feel bad for doing that, however, for the last 10 years, I was the full-time parent and to be fair to his dad, his dad would have him consistently, but he’s always been an arsehole to me, he’s always done the bare minimum and for a long time he didn’t contribute anything and managed to get out of paying child maintenance or paying a small amount over the years. There was also a seven month period when he decided just not to see his child and I had just had to crack on and care for him alone.

This job will really help me get back on my feet and also allow me to provide for my son when he is with me and when he isn’t - His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

I know his dad will be mad at me and will probably be an absolute arsehole - But in the back of my head, I can’t help but feel that he’s now the full time parent so he can deal with sorting childcare.

I really need this job, I’ve been applying with no luck and been so worried about how I’ll live - and ideally, would be able to concentrate in the new job without worrying about my son at home alone all day. I’ll see my son on the weekends instead, and maybe can take a bit of leave on the odd day here and there. My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me, and I’ll make sure he understand the situation, plus I’ll be able to send him money for treats, buy him the bits that he wants and also take him on holiday - all stuff he would enjoy so much more than being stuck in the house all day alone.

So, AIBU? Should I put my job and my needs first or consider his dad’s plans and him having to sort childcare arrangements.

My son loves being at home and playing games but he’s also expensive and I don’t even know how I’ll afford to feed him while he’s with me every day and worried about him being alone for almost 12 hours. I’m embarrassed by this and feel like an awful mum but I’ve been applying for jobs non-stop and now this one has come along.

Could you not have told the new job you had pre booked holiday, it’s fairly normal.

His social life is around his dad’s area and his brothers on dad’s side.
I don’t pay now as I don’t have anything to pay for it from.

I need the money so no I didn’t.

Doesn't make it right though!

If this was dad saying he couldn't have DC over the summer he'd have his arse handed to him. Assuming DC is in secondary there is no 'childcare' or clubs so he'll be mooching wherever he is?

Have your kid to stay FFS

Your work is important and there will be a solution to the childcare issue. Eg, having DS with you all the time until you start your job, and after that maybe asking your ex to have from Monday morning to Thursday afternoon, which would mean him having 4 nights with you and just being on his own in the house during your working time on Fridays? But if his dad is happy to have him for longer, it might be a nicer option for him for him just to have weekends with you.

My son will understand that I need to earn money and as long as I use the money I earn to give him good memories and buy the stuff he wants - which I’ll be able to do - he will understand, I’m sure.

This could be an option and I’ll present it to his dad. Not trying to be an arse but I could loose my house. I’ve been in a state of panic for months and have no one to fall back on.

Your ex would be well within his rights to say that your childcare issues are not his problem.

If you'd posted as the resident parent, and your ex had only just got a job, rendering him unable to do his share of the holidays, you'd have been absolutely destroyed on here. And rightly so.

Hey. You’re doing your best. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Society isn’t designed for single people on low incomes it’s fucking hard work. Be kind to yourself op. Take the job explain to your son the situation and let him decide. Stock up on cheap filling foods that he can eat whilst you’re at work and see how it goes.

You're not being an arse at all, you've got to make things work financially at the same time as making your DS feel wanted and welcome in your home, as I'm sure he is.

He can say that but he can’t force me to have him. I think I’m semi justifying it because his dad has always dictated when he could and couldn’t have him - to be fair he has been pretty consistent over the years other then the seven-ish months he chose not to see him. But there were years he didn’t pay anything and I had to struggle along.

You have a really shitty attitude about this

Thank you, I appreciate that and yes he knows he absolutely is. I do whatever I can in my means to give him what he wants and make him happy and feel loved. I can’t even buy him nice trainers atm - his dad sends him back to mine in an old beat up pair, same with clothes.

Have you been paying maintenance since he moved in with dad? Can you re negotiate that for the hols?

Not having your own children at all over the 6 weeks holiday is wild to be honest. I can’t quite imagine even having that option never mind actively wanting it. I get that you need to work, so do many other parents. It’s a juggle for sure. But simply opting out and leaving it all to his father to sort out is unfair. And don’t you actually want to spend some time with your own kid over summer?

I think the fact this is bothering me, shows that I’m trying not to be shitty. I’m trying to survive and give my son a better life.

I’ll have him over weekends as usual and the odd days that I can get leave.

Since I lost my job, no I haven’t been.

As you've said, job starts in August. Holidays start a week or so before in England (assuming you aren't in Scotland and they have already!). So take him until the holidays start. Then maybe chat about long weekends in a few other weeks, Friday to Monday. So he's with you 3/4 days, but not consecutively, so you can spend the weekend with him and he can play games/entertain himself on the Friday and/or Monday but its only 1 day at a time, instead of 5 days in a row. Unless he wants to spend more time with his dad, but you could have him half the time, just not necessarily consecutively without him being on his own.

Not having him at all feels like a dck move, even if his dad did it previously. Two wrongs don't make a right. But obviously you need the job and to get paid. So try looking at what you can do, even if that is a week in July and weekends, and approach the conversation as positively as possible (understanding you may well be trying to converse with an a*hole).

Well done on getting the new job, hope it goes well and you feel back on track soon

Thank you and I’ll happily have him any day I can where I’m not working or can’t take leave. The first month is training so I’m not sure how flexible it is. Tbh I didn’t tell the new job about my childcare challenges because I didn’t want them to think I’m be difficult and always off for child reasons.

So he'd be happy with a Disney Mum?

This is not a good look, but you becoming homeless doesn't help your son either.
I hope you'll make the time to spend with him when you can.

Yes he absolutely would - all he cares about is new clothes, food he likes and gaming. He was fine with his dad being a Disney dad.
This job pays well so il be able to provide more for him.

It's the same old story we see all the time on MN, when the non-resident parent opts out of childcare when they want to. Resident parents don't have that luxury. It appears that often non-resident parents see themselves as a bonus extra - nice to have but not essential. They can dip in and out when their schedule permits.