To not have DS over summer

[pinkgoldensunshine]

Last year DS moved to live with his dad as he started secondary school. I believe this was the best for him and he wanted to be around his dad more and his siblings on his dad side. He’s with me half the holidays and weekends.

I’ve used the time wisely, but I lost my job and I’ve been struggling for the last few months. I’ve just got a job offer and I start at the beginning of August. It’s in the office full-time from 8-6, plus commuting on top of that.

I’ve been worrying about what to do with DS because I’m meant to have him for half the holidays.

I don’t have any childcare on my side - and my son is old enough to stay home by himself, but five days a week for the whole day is too much. He won’t want to go to any holiday clubs.

I am thinking to just message his dad and tell his dad that he will need to figure out childcare and I can’t have him. I feel bad for doing that, however, for the last 10 years, I was the full-time parent and to be fair to his dad, his dad would have him consistently, but he’s always been an arsehole to me, he’s always done the bare minimum and for a long time he didn’t contribute anything and managed to get out of paying child maintenance or paying a small amount over the years. There was also a seven month period when he decided just not to see his child and I had just had to crack on and care for him alone.

This job will really help me get back on my feet and also allow me to provide for my son when he is with me and when he isn’t - His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

I know his dad will be mad at me and will probably be an absolute arsehole - But in the back of my head, I can’t help but feel that he’s now the full time parent so he can deal with sorting childcare.

I really need this job, I’ve been applying with no luck and been so worried about how I’ll live - and ideally, would be able to concentrate in the new job without worrying about my son at home alone all day. I’ll see my son on the weekends instead, and maybe can take a bit of leave on the odd day here and there. My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me, and I’ll make sure he understand the situation, plus I’ll be able to send him money for treats, buy him the bits that he wants and also take him on holiday - all stuff he would enjoy so much more than being stuck in the house all day alone.

So, AIBU? Should I put my job and my needs first or consider his dad’s plans and him having to sort childcare arrangements.

Are you working?

I don’t know when your sons school breaks up but ours finish on 17th so a full 2 weeks before August…. Can you cover those 2 weeks if it’s the same for you?

then maybe take a week later on in the holidays and see if you can book a couple of days off, with him spending the other 3 days at home - perfectly reasonable for a 13 year old. Especially if you spaced your days off out.

YANBU

Your ex should hopefully understand your position and want the best for his/your DS, which would be to be with his siblings rather than being on his own and bored for hours on end or glued to a gaming device.

I hope he’s not an asshole about it.

Well done and good luck with your new job.

You'd have to have done a pretty piss poor job of being a mother for your child to not particularly care about seeing you at all.

So dad as a shit parent previously so that’s then ok? You need to have a chat with your son, explain about work and that he can still stay with you but what would he rather. Let him decide rather than you say you can’t have him at all.

It’s probably the way she said I’ll just say I can’t have him. So rather than speaking to her son and working the problem , she’d just say no, sorry.

I can’t believe people are laying into OP especially on the grounds of non-sexism. She’s not a man though is she, and it’s quite obvious her ex left her with DS when he was small to bring him up and now he’s easier has tempted him back, leaving OP to pick up the debris of her decimated career.

You see this story time and time again and the gender politics matter. She’s hanging on by a thread.

It isn't a question of convenience though is it? It's more a question of survival. Perhaps you'd like to suggest what the OP does for money as you so obviously have all the answers despite not reading - nor comprehending - OP's explanation of her current circumstances.

Wow! So many nasty comments! OP is starting a new job soon; presumably a one-off situation, and seems to really need this job.

It’s great that so many of you have your life running smoothly.

Sometimes I think people are on this site only to give others a kicking

There are people offering actual advice and ideas and then there are people saying "you're awful op" yet suggesting nothing practical that helps the op with the situation she is faced with

I think the OP itself has rubbed some the wrong way by how it is written plus the usual misogyny, but OP isn't wrong. She has to take the job to be able to care for her son. Dad needs to keep him f/t weekdays to facilitate this.

If your son is old enough to be left alone, I would say to your ex partner that you have a job which means you will have to leave your son alone during the day. That gives his dad a chance to either step up or leave you to it - both of which is Okay.

At 13 many children were at home for the holidays whilst parents worked when I was growing up in the 1970's - in fact, I well remember primary school age children sorting themselves out for long periods during the school holidays. One family of two pre teen girls would be left to look after their young pre school brother over night as the dad worked away and the mum worked night shifts as a nurse (not that I recommend that!).

I would suggest some activities your son can do, give him some money to go to the cinema or whatever and then make the most of the evenings and week-ends with him - doesn't have to be expensive - walks together, trips out on the bus or whatever - just spend time with him. He'll be gone soon enough, I'd spend time with him whilst he still has to hang out with you or his father.