To not have DS over summer

[pinkgoldensunshine]

Last year DS moved to live with his dad as he started secondary school. I believe this was the best for him and he wanted to be around his dad more and his siblings on his dad side. He’s with me half the holidays and weekends.

I’ve used the time wisely, but I lost my job and I’ve been struggling for the last few months. I’ve just got a job offer and I start at the beginning of August. It’s in the office full-time from 8-6, plus commuting on top of that.

I’ve been worrying about what to do with DS because I’m meant to have him for half the holidays.

I don’t have any childcare on my side - and my son is old enough to stay home by himself, but five days a week for the whole day is too much. He won’t want to go to any holiday clubs.

I am thinking to just message his dad and tell his dad that he will need to figure out childcare and I can’t have him. I feel bad for doing that, however, for the last 10 years, I was the full-time parent and to be fair to his dad, his dad would have him consistently, but he’s always been an arsehole to me, he’s always done the bare minimum and for a long time he didn’t contribute anything and managed to get out of paying child maintenance or paying a small amount over the years. There was also a seven month period when he decided just not to see his child and I had just had to crack on and care for him alone.

This job will really help me get back on my feet and also allow me to provide for my son when he is with me and when he isn’t - His dad put in a child maintenance claim as soon as he could.

I know his dad will be mad at me and will probably be an absolute arsehole - But in the back of my head, I can’t help but feel that he’s now the full time parent so he can deal with sorting childcare.

I really need this job, I’ve been applying with no luck and been so worried about how I’ll live - and ideally, would be able to concentrate in the new job without worrying about my son at home alone all day. I’ll see my son on the weekends instead, and maybe can take a bit of leave on the odd day here and there. My son 100% won’t mind not staying with me, and I’ll make sure he understand the situation, plus I’ll be able to send him money for treats, buy him the bits that he wants and also take him on holiday - all stuff he would enjoy so much more than being stuck in the house all day alone.

So, AIBU? Should I put my job and my needs first or consider his dad’s plans and him having to sort childcare arrangements.

Say you can have him the first two weeks of hoilday before August -- then try for some hoilday time later in august round bank hoilday or say he can come but be at home for a week by himself - leave it in DS court - at 13 he can be left even for long days though not ideal.

Say once established in work more you can have him more but this is start of much needed job and money.

If that come back with a no - then say DS has choice in house by himself - hoilday clubs if a possiblity - or stay with his Dad and you hope for more time later in the year.

I'd tell them as soon as possible - make it clear it's not a choice as you need the job. He's 13 - old enough to be left and many secondary school age are though not usually quiet so long - and old enough to understand you are in a tough spot - he has choice of coming when you are there - being by himself or staying at his dads.

Be less apologetic- it is what is is - men pull this stunt with kids too young to be left all the time and it's so common it barely gets a murmer. This at least is a secondary age teen - where childcare options would be very limited anyway in most places - it's not ideal but you need this job and the income so it is what it is.

You reap what you sow, sounds like it’s dads turn to juggle things.

I would be talking to the child and explaining the problem - he’s old enough. And talking to me new boss about what leave I can get for the problem.

many children have to amuse themselves over the holidays

Total rubbish. The father is still the father and if the OP has a job he'll have to cover the extra weeks if there's no other sensible solution.

I hate this idea that divorced parents say "oh it's not my weekend, I am not having my own child".

You soon realise why they got divorced.

Newsflash - having custody weeks or days doesn't mean you're not still the parent the rest of the time too.

Your D S will just have to go to holiday clubs for at least some of the holidays whether he wants to or not.

I can’t tell if this is a reverse or if you have truly convinced yourself that your son doesn’t care about spending time with you.

No he bloody wouldn't because it's his child too.

Some of these comments are utterly disgusting.

Yes I dealt with that for ten years, my career took a back seat and I scrimped and struggled a lot - his dad didnt cared. Never once bought uniform or a pair of trainers or anything other than what was requested by CMA - he managed to get out of that when he wanted to also.

When your already the non resident parent it’s completely shit to duck out of the few times you are actually supposed to have your child 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know you’re saying this to justify what you plan but I feel sorry for your son. It sounds like he has 2 shit parents.

There aren't really any here post 13.

Most parents WFH- get home sooner than OP - have family in area or mates they can pop round to - but post 13 there really not much here.

Does depend on the area obvioulsy and OP could suggest that to her DS - but if he doesn't want to go at 13 it can be hard to force them.

I don't understand some of these replies. This lady has made it clear she is on the absolute bones of her arse. Her DS has a comfortable home with his Dad, who he has chosen to live with. Why the criticisms? You can't just tell a new job 'oh I've got holidays booked' when you're desperate. It's job v no job at the moment with the job market the way it is. Equally OP, I would say you need to tell your ex you'll have him every weekend, etc. if you can to carry on.

I would suggest you ask him not tell him. And also say which weeks you could have him e.g. July and asking he would be willing to swap.

Sorry you are in such dire circumstances and are getting a nasty kicking.
Yanbu at all.
Explain the facts to your son.
His father has left you to it for years at a time and you are going to have to make hard choices through trying to get back on your feet.
I really wish you well.
Tell your son the truth.
This job is a great opportunity and you simply have to take it if you are to try and keep your home.

I don't think anyone pleased by this even the OP - but not sure becoming homeless with no job or income helps anyone.

It's not ideal - at 13 he can stay in the house by himself - if he dad away and can't have him - but length of time it's not ideal.

I'd talk to ex and DS as soon as possible and see how much flexiblity there is - should be two weeks before August start - and long weekend august bank hoilday - so if that's possible that what 4 days lost - depends how flexible DS and Ex can be really.

Not many holiday clubs for 13 year olds. I don't remember having " childcare" at that age. Used to get up make breakfast and go out with friends

@igelkott2026 have you ever read the millions of MN threads in which a mum is the resident parent, who agrees to work some extra shifts when it's the non-resident dad's weekend. The dad then says sorry, I've double booked, and can't have the child after all. The resounding majority on MN advise the mum to say "not my problem. It's your weekend. Sort it yourself".

Exactly when it’s dad suddenly trying to get out of it Mumsnet users are fuming mad shaking with anger 🤣 he should take any job move in with his parents. Children still cost money they don’t stop costing because you earn less or nothing!! In fact since he has no job he can have the child more surely!!!

When mum is the non resident parent it’s fine. Don’t worry.

Even when mum doesn’t exactly sound fussed because oh well he did it to me when the child was younger so in a way it’s his turn now haha 😜

Yet the father could happily fuck off for 7 months and that was ok?

I know once starting secondary school if the dad was away mine was fine home alone so it depends on the child, I was only 10 minutes away and tended to be home by 4pm though. I also took almost all my holidays in the summer. Family sometimes helped but only the odd day and sometimes they had days arranged with friends so not on their own for the whole duration. Hated holiday club so that wasn’t an option!

Agree, some of these comments are absolutely vile and the sanctimony is off the scale. This is an exceptional situation which the OP has said she feels terrible about. In an ideal world coparents would always stick to their schedules but in reality sometimes there are things people just have to do if they're going to survive (which they also need to for their children). It is not unreasonable for the OP to talk to her son's father about helping her out in this instance as a one off.

A lot of harsh responses on here. You shpuld both be parenting with the best interests of your son in mind. It’s not a point scoring exercise. I would much prefer my coparent to be financially secure and able to provide for our son. I would do all I could to facilitate that, including helping them navigate school holidays when they’re getting their feet under the desk in their new job. You may not be in a relationship, but you’re partners in terms of parenting. It’s not the best thing for a fairly young child to be at home alone for days on end either. A compromise needs to be struck.

Rubbish.
A good parent works and demonstrates that hard work pays off.

Surely if you are as desperate for money as you have said several times and the fact you are in 'survival mode", I would suggest that rather than spending the money you earn buying him things you keep some aside and start saving!

Neither you or his dad sound great from this post.

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You need that job and you need to get established in it. What's the point of him being at yours on his own the whole time?

I would explain the situation to him and see whether he would be ok with long weekends and doing stuff around your work hours.