Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Meant to say ‘or whatever it is that will fulfill you’ - apologies

Okay thank you.

I grew up in an abusive household, it’s left its mark. There are people who had it worse and people who (I think) have breezed through life. My main focus has always been on not allowing myself to get into a victim mindset. What happened to me was pretty awful but I have refused to define myself as a victim and therefore enable that to have power over me forever. I know that some of my life choices and mistakes were probably a consequences of my early experiences but I choose to own them as my own and try to be better next time. I built my life despite but also because of my formative experiences. I found peace in that.

I got distracted 😳

Thanks for sharing. I'm proud of you for being strong

I think I understand, OP, but we need to have a way of overcoming our past, including traumatic or difficult events, to be better, stronger people.

I was born three months prematurely and was weaned off heroin, but I was adopted by my wonderful adoptive parents, who have given me the best life I could have wanted.

My DB passed away from cancer aged 34, eight years ago. A couple of years before this, I had a terrible head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. This is a loss which has never left me, and was devastating, but I'm still making the most of my life. Obviously my poor old brain has suffered a lot, and I've had two other concussions so I have had a lot of hard times health-wise.

The key thing a counsellor once said was not to let things feel like they define you. Be kind, good, and strong, and enjoy every minute of your life if it's healthy.

Some people never have that chance.😢

I so disagree with you there. There's nothing as reassuring, if thats the right word, than realising you arent as al9ne in your feelings as you'd always thought.
Even though you hate to think of others feeling as bad as you, theres something in a problem shared with people who get it.

Therapists are hit and miss. They are there in place of finding people like you who you can share your deepest feelings with.

It's interesting you wrote that. I've also been having a lot of involuntary muscle twitches.

I went to the doctor and they said that I have a bulging disc in my back that is pressing on a nerve

I think if the nervous system is damaged in any way, it causes twitches and spasms.

Also I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. I send you a hug

I'm so sorry, I do understand how awful they are. And yes, neurological damage can cause involuntary movements (dystonia etc). Please don't let your past define your future. You sound lovely, but sad, but I do think that it can be ok, and you can make the best of your life if you want.❤️

Agree OP. I've know various people go through therapy and it's been a bit of a car crash. Some very unprofessional ones out there. I also knew a therapist once. Least said about that one the better but she could not hold water. I can understand if you have tried already with poor results, why you're hesitant.

Although I don't think you can or should compare your childhood to a abused and murdered baby OP, you are still here and have the opportunity to live where his tiny, innocent life was brutally taken, I do however understand trauma, and neglect and the aftermath of abuse and desperation for change.
I changed my life by finding the real me and not this person who I let them create.
I went to uni in my late 30's, I retrained and worked hard on my mental health for years.
I choose me, I choose to be happy and eventually it wasn't a choice but a truth.
I did it to spite the bastards from my past, to spite the poverty and abuse and to step up and be the person who would always have my back.
Basically I told my past to fuck off, they may have taken and made my childhood hell but they are not going to take my future!
One step at a time OP.

Oh OP. I had an abusive and neglectful childhood include sexual abuse. I am no contact with my parents. I was lucky to have a supportive step parent who is still in my life (and no longer in a relationship with my parent).

I went off the rails and struggled with alcohol abuse in my teens and early twenties. I was lucky to hit a very painful rock bottom and loose a relationship I was happy in as a result which snapped me out of it. I got sober, had years and years of therapy (still ongoing) and am now in a good place and at peace.

What happened to you and to me was wrong and unfair. Every child deserves to be loved and cared for unconditionally by at least one person. When that doesn’t happen it is soul destroying. It is so important to remember that that says everything about them and nothing about you. You are not unlovable and you have value.

Some things that might help:

Try and reframe your current situation. You have no ties - instead of seeing that as sad can you see the opportunity? If you are unhappy with your job, no caring commitments and no mortgage you could do anything. You could move countries, you could go and work abroad - I know people who have done work for board and basic pay on farms in Australia and had a great time. If you enjoy meditation could you look at a meditation retreat abroad? You may need to save up but that would make you feel like you were working towards something.

Would like to foster and give a child what you didn’t have? If so looking at what the requirements are for fostering or getting in touch with your local fostering team to ask questions could be wonderful and very fulfilling. There is a huge shortage of foster carers and they are very in demand.

Alternatively you could look at volunteering for home start, they are volunteers who go and support children and families - visiting to help parents who are struggling by playing with the children maybe, doing a bit of light housework, being a listening ear. A great opportunity to help children and parents to feel supported which could make a real difference to their lives.

You could also ask if your local primary school need a volunteer to come and listen to children read though this would be school hours. You could volunteer in a hospital - this may be taking the tea trolley around etc. not necessarily with children but you would be benefitting others and it can make you realise how lucky you are to be well enough that you are not in hospital. You could speak to a local care home about becoming a befriender or visiting someone who has no visitors/family. They would be grateful for the companionship and if you build a bond it could be a nice way to get advice and wisdom as you would from an older relative/mum/grandparent.

Slightly different again but you could volunteer for a dog rescue - playing with the dogs and taking them for walks, things to love which will love you unconditionally back. There is a riding school near us which is a charity and offers lessons for disabled children - horses can be very soothing so something like that could be great. Or volunteering abroad - I did this and met so many people living in awful circumstances who were so happy and content despite it. This really put my life and privileges into perspective.

If you feel angry you could try a rage room or take up boxing. If you feel powerless a self defence class or something kind of assertiveness training might be good. Toastmasters is a public speaking class/group which is supposed to great for building confidence generally and meeting people.

Imagine that you were 80 years old and then woke up tomorrow and found you were 42 again. You would be so delighted and happy to have all those years back and so many things you would want to do. I am working on a list of 100 dreams at the moment - things that I would like to do in my life. When you start it will probably be big things - go to Australia, go skydiving etc. as you keep going list everything you can think of no matter how small. Making homemade pasta is on my list because I’ve never done it and would like to. Collect as much inspiration as you can - a list of restaurants you’d like to try, day trips you’d like to visit, musicians you’d like to see live.

Any of those things could be the start of a community / new friends and connections. I have found church excellent for community, very friendly and welcoming. You may discover a deep faith or just enjoy the companionship and music etc. they tend to have lots of things to get involved with, socials, and you could potentially volunteer with them at Christmas for example or go to a service on Christmas Day if that is normally a difficult time.

Look into some inner child work - parenting the scared little child inside you. Again this can be very healing.

What happened to you was not fair and out of your control but now you call the shots and you get to decide who you spend time with. If your job is making you unhappy look for a new one and start fresh. You only have to share as much about your background as you want to if you are worried about people seeing you as weak.

Lots of the ideas above probably won’t speak but if one or two do then take some action and go and try something. We all need purpose and meaning to feel fulfilled. Be very kind to yourself. Taking action will always feel better than ruminating, don’t allow the people from your past to rule your future. I wish you the very best of luck.

OP there are people here who don’t tend to show kindness and empathy to anyone. I would try and engage with those who want to help.

Can you do one thing? Try and find a peer coach in your area. I think it could be a good start for you to set some goals in a ‘non-therapy’ setting and think about some next steps to improve your life. I work as a consultant psychiatrist and think it could help.

You can only deal with the hands you were dealt. No point wasting more time rueing the past.

make the best of the future. Do all the things you would have done then, now.

girly holidays in your 40’s can be more carnage than the late teen/early 20’s ones.

also get some therapy or some self help books because your childhood was traumatic & it is something that can affect our whole lives if we let it

OP in my work a psychiatrist, a few times a year we will be referred someone for trauma therapy in their 60s/70s because they want to talk about childhood trauma. Years don’t always heal, and it’s nothing to do with ‘wallowing’.

Respectfully - this is what therapy does. You are revisiting your trauma. Talking about some of the most painful things you ever experienced. Yes, it will be upsetting and make you depressed. But you keep going, you keep talking. Until the pain is gone.

That is literally the therapy process. It's hard, and not everyone can do it. But to say that a therapist is "bad" because the sessions upset their patient.. is kind of missing the point entirely of what therapy is there to do.

Op, I would really suggest you don’t acknowledge or respond to these kinds of comments.

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm sorry op.

Every child should grow up loved and supported.

One thing I would say is that unconditional love is something that most people never get to experience in life.

This is not to downplay your traumatic experiences, just to say don't believe the bullshit that's paraded on social media and in the movies. Comparison is the thief of joy etc, and you might be doing better than you realise.

Watch SAS: Who Dares Wins. It pretends to be about soldiering, but it's actually about the gap between reality and perception, especially when it comes to asssessing our own competence in life.

I disagree. there are also some very unprofessional therapists out there. One therapist that I went to, definitely shouldn't have been a therapist

You are right, life is unfair. Some people have very tough lives, others have an undeserved breeze.

You sound tough, like a warrior. Yes, you have anger and resentment - understandably - but your difficult life didn't beat you down, it didn't defeat you.

Now, at 42, you are still young with so much in front of you. And you are likely so much more resilient than all those people who have never had a problem worse than a burst tire.

But, you gotta let go of that anger and resentment. Thats goal number 1. That is all that is left, to achieve your final victory over your difficult life. If you hold on to it, it will keep you as a slave to the past forever. Let it go, seize your victory.

Whats done is done and cant be changed. Agonising over it is only to waste your time. Let it go and move forward into a new and happier era. If talking about trauma is useful to you, then seek an appropriate forum for that, do not let it invade every aspect of your life.

You say you have no one in your life - that will come. You can make friends through activities, clubs, travel etc. You can go on dates via OLD. You can do anything you want, but first you need to let go this resentment. You will be much more attractive to friends and partners if you are positive and upbeat, rather than locked in a hopeless battle with an unchangeable past.

Stop fighting with the spectre of the past and start enjoying the present. It may seem difficult, but its just a state of mind. CHOOSE to be happy. Literally choose it, like you would choose a meal or a dress.

Yes, you cant be an 18 yr old going on holiday or trying new adventures, but you can be a 42 yr old going on holiday and trying new adventures.

A 42 yr old is just a 18 yr old with 24 yrs experience. You life experience is every bit as valid and precious as that of anyone else, dont forget that.

And you know, age is just a number! You can laugh as heartily, fall as deeply in love and enjoy a sunset at 42, every bit as much as can an 18 yr old. More even, given 18 yr olds are daft and dont appreciate anything!

Good luck to you. Take your victory, its right there.

Respectfully, I meant car crash in that they said some utterly bonkers things or where very inappropriate or did not signpost people correctly who needed medical intervention. Not a car crash of unpicking and revisiting traumas on the healing journey.

One told someone I love they weren't depressed. They absolutely were. The therapist had them believing all sorts before they reached out to a GP. I've known therapists divulge very confidential things about their patients to strangers. I also lived in a town that had a college that did counselling courses. Most of the students enrolled where some of the most unhinged people (known through association). It's a field that attracts competent professionals who do good plus a range of people who aren't so good at it. Like any other job.

BAD therapy does exist and also it isn't a fix all or for everyone.

You have assumed I mean bad therapy means upsetting sessions. I was not. But thanks.

I’m saddened to hear your story and I completely agree with you. Most people have some hard times in life, a few have a really rough time so much of the time and it seems you’re in the latter category, as I often think I am. I saw on my DD’s school they’re an attachment aware school so I looked up the meaning and it means being more trauma aware, asking what’s happened to you, rather than what’s wrong with you. I like to think society is becoming more trauma aware but reading some ignorant comments on here, in some ways I think it’s not. My only advice is try as far as possible to be kind to yourself. I recently read The Kindness Method by dr izasdi who works as a phycologist in substance abuse, I think it’s a good approach as is Compassion Focused Therapy by Paul Gilbert, another psychologist. Some days it’s as much you can do to put one foot in front of the other and encourage yourself in that. Don’t listen to any negative comments on here, quite often these people”don’t even know they’re born” by comparison to what you’ve gone through. keep going, even tiny wins are wins.

OP the number of people who have very hard lives is much, much higher than the number of people who have charmed lives. Particularly if you look at this on a global scale considering all the countries that are far worse off than the UK. You might not have strong family support, but you were born in a country with strong societal support (free education, free healthcare, a welfare system etc) which is more than millions of people have in this world. However, we all have a tendency to compare up, and look at what we don’t have, rather than at the things we have.

You are not alone. There will be many, many people like you, and you will have an ability to understand and empathise with them in a way that many other people can’t. I believe that the purpose of life is to learn, and that all experiences, good or bad, have something to teach us.