Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Being a victim of the Nazis did not make someone become a sexual abuser, but I am very sorry that you had such a bad childhood and hope that you can find a way through this.

Intergenerational trauma.

After reading all your updates, I want to honestly love you, adopt you and help you if I could anyway...but I am similar age to you...would you trust a church and join?

Come on, OP. I hear what you’re saying. But you can’t just sink. You need to pull yourself back up and forge a path ahead.

Try to look at your life as a game of two halves. The first half is behind you. What you doing with the second?

Precedents are not a template, though. You have the power to become someone you admire.

Sorry if that sounds trite or dismissive; it's really not meant to.

I had children and made sure I was the parent for them that I needed.

I work in a professional capacity with children and families who have experienced a range of ACEs. I am the adult for them that I needed as a child and the adult their parents need to support them.

I have acted as an advocate for people unable to advocate for themselves.

I have volunteered supporting young people who have experienced trauma.

Basically, I have thrown my life into being the person for others that I needed as a child.

Am I OK? No, not really. I struggle constantly and have constant flashbacks and constantly replay aspects of my past. I lack self esteem and confidence and my sense of self worth comes from what I can do for others not who I am. I fall asleep listening to podcasts because listening to speech is the only thing that drowns out the constant internal monologue.

I wake up crying or having nightmares or panic attacks but no one IRL knows about any of this.

I've had therapy but it hasn't really helped.

You say you're not strong enough at the moment. I would say my strength came from doing all these things. If I'd waited to become strong beforehand, I'm not even sure I'd still be here. That's the reality.

Yes. That was my grandfather. My father was his son. My father should have broke the cycle but my father was just as cold and cruel as my grandfather. I think they didn't know how to love because they were so fucked up themselves.

So yeah fuck the nazis for part of it. But I wish my grandfather and father had got it together to be able to be family to me

While you’re right that paedophilia is not an acquired condition, the cruelty of the camps did facilitate rampant sexual abuse. The SS forced marginalized prisoners and enslaved laborers into camp brothels, and there is evidence that children in the camps were subjected to sexual violence which can lead to intergenerational trauma.

Ah thank you. I appreciate that 😍. I go to a spiritualist church sometimes in my city

There's a line in the Shawshank Remeption where Red says you can get busy living or get busy dying.

That had a huge impact on me. I watched it 30+ years ago and still remind myself of that line every day.

I chose to get busy living. And, yes, I had to force myself in the early days.

Yes I can understand partly why my grandfather became a cruel perverted asshole. But he still had a choice. Even if he was sexually abused himself he didn't have to choose to sexually abuse me.

I have never sexually abused anyone. I would never do that

I could have written this myself - bad family relationships, poor background and abuse outside of home.

A few years ago when finally things looked up, I had a complete breakdown after the end of a significant relationship. My future suddenly felt no existent. Due to circumstances, the little contact I had with family I ended as they kicked me when I was already down.

I spent a year grieving. The future that never existed, the past I wish I had, dwelling on the why me. You have to sit with it. Therapy, spiritual readings, travel and meditation help. I found Teal’s Swan completion process helpful and Kabbalah teachings. The loving yourself crap is a nonsense, we are social creatures and no loving yourself is not enough. “No man is an island” and all that. What it does allow you to do is recognise love and care in daily life and that it doesn’t always look like you think it does. Small acts of kindness from strangers, random messages are all acts of love towards you.

Once you grieve and accept, you will start making space in your life for people who do care and love you in the way you need. I met my partner shortly after I had that “aha” moment of no one will care about me as much as they care about themselves. If I don’t care about me how can I expect someone else to or teach them how to? I am happy, we are starting a family and creating the story we want to have. I don’t know how that will go or what the future holds. I talk to my family now but it is strained and clinical. I have learned that they are not the people who will support me or
make me feel loved and cared for. I get to choose my family…

it does leave a hole but it is not unfixable it just takes a lot of tears, grief and dealing with resentment.

I think I need EMDR. It's too much. I'm sleeping and crying all the time. I've got to try some new therapy. So the rest of my life is not wasted

I'm sorry.
I feel like this a lot and try to focus on the things and people I do have because I can't turn back time.
It's not easy, it's a daily practice.

Thanks for that. That was very helpful and kind

What's that?

Used to fix a relationship. Didn't work.
In and out of care then stayed in care but with multiple placements.
Abused.
Moved abroad then gave up job, and came home but nowhere to live. Wasn't allowed back "home."
Found live in jobs, eventually bought a flat.
Married. Had children.
Divorced husband after unbelievable cruelty.
Moved 100s of miles.
No family, flaky friends, bereavement and bad health news.

All one can is accept life sometimes isn't easy and just get on with things. Better than the alternative.

Its not a competition, I've not listed everything, but I'm grateful to still have my life.

Try. Remind yourself all you've overcome. Life is too long to spend most of it living in the past.

I think the thing I really need to stop doing is thinking about the past.

I wake up and start thinking about my past straight away, then I go through my day, but I keep thinking about the past. I need to gain control of my mind. Maybe I need to do more early morning meditation

I have had EMDR. Highly recommend it.

Well done on what you've achieved. Yes sometimes we have just to accept what is

My circumstances were very similar to yours. And as a child, there was nothing that I could do about it. But as an adult, my life belonged to me and I wasn’t going to spend it being miserable, wishing I’d had a lovely family and that monsters didn’t exist, and worrying about things that I couldn’t change or that hadn’t happened. I try and see the positive in everything. Or at the very least, find something positive in everything day. So today you could say that you connected with people on here, and that’s a good thing. Tomorrow it might be that you had a great cup of tea. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. It’s about changing your mindset from nothing good ever happening, to positive things happening every single day.

I generally feel like I'm useless at everything. That comes from always being treated like I was useless How do you express this feeling? Do you think this could be why you’re feeling bullied at work? Maybe you’re not being bullied because people see you as weak (because you very clearly aren’t weak, having gone through all of that). Could it maybe be that your colleagues have just lost patience with you if you’re constantly feeling a bit sorry for yourself and being negative about everything? I think some people struggle having patience with people when they have an attitude that they’re useless at everything and just hopeless and that it’s no wonder when things don’t work out because nothing ever goes right for them. And then the person who is struggling then feels even worse because everyone around them is irritated by them. It’s very draining being around someone who is just so negative about themselves all the time. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy because the more the struggling person is pushed away, the more negative they feel about themselves.

I’m not sure you’re in the right headspace to be inspiring or helping children right at this second. You’re still young enough so that all of that can happen in the future, but inspiring kids isn’t about disclosing any of what happened to you. It’s about encouraging them to see their own potential. And how are you going to teach them how to see theirs when you can’t see yours? I mean this so kindly, but I think you need to slow down a bit and maybe focus on you before worrying about anyone else. And maybe you could start with adults? Something like volunteering for the Samaritans?

You can try, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I too was SA and took me 10 years to talk about just to not be believed by family and ignored for another 10 to get blames for never telling them 🙄

You said that you are spiritual - look into Teal Swans work. From all therapy and what not her work was the only thing that helped me make massive progress alongside breath work. Breath work I did with Josh Connolly who has awesome online community or if you can’t be bothered a book on family dynamics with plenty of free guided audios!

Teal was a survivor of a cult abuse, SA and forced pregnancy and multiple forced abortions. Josh is an ex-alcoholic coming from very abusive family. Both recovered and helping millions to do the same. It can get better. It feels unfair that we as the survivors have to the work and are burdened with it, but feeling that anger and letting go and accepting that all these emotions are part of the journey are actually part of it!

Yes I wrote I don't want to volunteer with children right now. I'm not mentally strong enough. Maybe in the future, when I'm stronger.

Just to add, you can’t stop at accepting what is. You have to take that next step and start searching for and embracing the positives as well.

To people saying life isn’t unfair or fair, it just is… Of course it’s bloody unfair! A person’s experience of live is massively impacted by the lottery of where/when/who they are born to. As a society we need to strive to make it less unfair. Accessibility for disabled people. Good compassionate social services. Equal educational opportunities for all. Without too much state intervention in family units we can’t access all unfairness but we can strive to mitigate it.