Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Ok. This may be long and I have name changed as there's some fairly personal stuff in this.

I completely get it @MyFastZebra. I grew up like you, horrendous parents; abject poverty (eating dry bread and sitting in a house with no electricity as we'd been cut off, clean clothes were a wish!), my dad was violent, mean and aggressive. My mum suffered but threw me under the bus to save herself, we had golden child and scapegoat dynamic between me and my brother and he was the golden boy who could do no wrong. I was told every single day I was stupid; thick and useless. My dad was a classic narc.
a teacher lied for me on my school report, because in his words, he knew what my dad would do to me if he told the truth about me messing in class. I also suffered CSA from my uncle. On top of all that I was an easy target for bullies too.

It absolutely destroys something fundamental in you when even your parents cant love you. You feel so alone and unlovable and become "old for your years" as there is no other choice.

That said, I'm a year older than you now, and I enjoy my life, it's taken a long time to get there, some serious work along the way, a chunk of reinventing myself and avoiding some triggers too. (I cannot watch Disney's inside out at all, reduces me to a sobbing mess, the part where it talks about core happy memories and they're being banked, I realised I had less than 5 in my whole life up to 16 years old!).

I married a much milder version of my dad (just the angry shouty part) of a guy who showed me attention and had a wonderful child. Realised when they were 4 years old this wasn't what I wanted for them and went to counselling for that. I've realised focus on fixing the immediate thing that needs fixing, you'll never heal the old stuff fully so unless it impacts right now, a box is perfectly ok to stick it in.

Take the small wins; you are absolutely not weak. If you were you wouldn't be standing solid right now, your foundations may wobble occasionally but they're there and you built them. That makes you incredible. Most people have others building their foundations and you created your own from chaos.

So right now you have an issue with some awful bullies at work. Work on fixing that. Is it self confidence, are there any books that can help on that. Can you get support on that from a union at work to address the issues. Look at another job etc.
start thinking "fuck you" at them every time they're mean and hold your head high. Anything that changes a little bit how you feel will all help.

When my child hit preteens I realised I was being shouty and aggressive at times. I can't fix my childhood, but I did take myself off for some epic (and blooming expensive) parenting classes from someone who specialised in helping parents when they came from a tough background. I worked on that and completely changed the outlook of our house by doing that work. It doesn't fix the underlying issue I had, but I can work on the here and now and know I can be better. I just sometimes need help to get there.

Can you help others who grew up in your situation, I volunteer for a charity that provides beds to children who don't have them. It's my little bit of paying it forward to acknowledge it's still there for a lot of people and if I can help make someone's life easier then that all helps them in future.

Only you can decide how to move forward. It's fine to sit and cry at the unfairness of it all, because it is unfair, but if you only sit and cry you never find the small glimmers in life. You've got your own place, you can have a coffee in your own place and know you're safe, because that's your peace.
You're strong and kickass, with a few wobbles. Look for the glimmers.

I'm sorry, I also was spiritual as a child and I still am. There is no reason to justify it, no child deserves abuse. It doesn't build character or resilience, there isn't a higher reason, you don't deserve it over someone else.

What are you trying to prove here Breadcat24? That you feel more pity for that poor babys murder than the op, or anyone else??

Behave yourself.

Some very strange posters on here.

I wrote that im upset at what happened to Preston Davey. And I'm upset at the child abuse that goes on

Posters: how dare you mention Preston Davey.

How does that make any sense

@JacknDiane I am not trying to "Prove" anything.
Many of us had an abusive background, many of us are fortunate enough to survive it. I thought it was a very tasteless reference as that poor 13 month old did not.
The OP is 42
There comes a point where you need to take agency over your life.
That was all I said
She was then abusive to me and probably will be again now.

You are Completely missing the point of everything.

How on earth is it a "tasteless reference" to write that I'm upset at what that child went through?

That feeling of being unloved and alone never quite goes away. I was unwanted and orphaned very young. We were very poor and I was left with a couple of photos and nothing else. However, I now have a good life. I honestly think the secret was being a bookworm as a child and reading all those stories about children who were abandoned or mistreated-The Little Princess, The Secret Garden, Goodnight Mr Tom. They made me feel less different. At least I had a job when I lost my remaining parent at 17 and it helped to keep me going. But yes, I envied people with families. However, it does make you self sufficient. And there is a strength in that. You can please yourself most of the time. Do you have friends, OP? Friendships can help keep you going. There will be support groups online too. Don’t give in. I remember reading Norah Ephron and the line-Be the heroine of your life, not a victim-is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve read.

So sorry you’re feeling this way OP. Nature, meditation are both good habits to heal. I really feel for you and am hoping life gets better for you. I agree therapists aren’t great.

Give yourself permission to feel sad. People who criticise your feelings in reaction to situations you have had no control over as a child either: didn't go through abuse and neglect, or did and can not show empathy as they were shown none either.
It's not a black or white situation. I think you need to plan some healing for yoyrself, whatever it might be. Talking therapy doesn't work for everyone. Meditation, painting, writing, gardening etc... are hugely healing too.
Good luck.

Thanks for all the advice. I feel a bit better after discussing it. I don't really discuss it with people I know in real life. I have lots of acquaintances, not maybe real close friends.

People don't like hearing about trauma. I told one friend many years ago about a rape. She couldnt handle hearing about it and she distanced herself. People don't know what to say.

In was just reading a book about a woman who went through an infamous sexual assault. she said there her close friends stopped speaking to her afterwards. Not that they blamed her, but that they couldn't handle dealing with it

Yes, but who were you told these things by? Were they kind people, who were empathetic and aware? Or were they abusive idiots?

If the latter, then why would you internalise/take on board any of that? It’s like listening to an electrician who is telling you what medication would be best to lower high blood pressure. Why place any stock in the opinions of the people you mention - are they experts????

Op This volunteer site might be useful to you. Just put in your location and see what volunteer opportunities are around. I put in areas of interest "children" for you but you can change that . 16 opportunities in Croydon - Get Volunteering

Work on your inner child. There are some incredible books on it. And it can be very rewarding. I thought it was mad, but it definitely helped.

Thank you. Yes you're right. It's like that clip in the film where Robin Williams talks to Matt damon. Good will Hunting is the film

Matt Damon had been an abused child and Robin Williams was his therapist. Robin Williams keep saying to him "it wasn't your fault" Until he finally gets through to him

Abused children usually blame them selves.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

But what do you think you'll get from that? Reinforcement that life is crap? Noone posting here can sort your life, only you can do that and me or anyone else telling you about how very, very difficult our childhoods were will not change a thing for you.

"Will not change a thing for you".

I disagree. Sharing my story on here and hearing other people's stories has already helped me. I feel less alone and stronger.

Maybe get some kindness and emapthy?

Life absolutely isn't fair. That is a fact. However, it is your life. You have two choices. You can either ruin your future by thinking about the past, which you can't change, or you can treat today as the first day of the rest of your life and decide to make things as good as you possibly can under the circumstances.

I am sorry to hear about your struggle OP but i think you are massively distasteful to compare your struggle to Preston Daveys.

I appreciate it must have been hard growing up with an absent dad and abusive mum. But I do think you could have built relationships with friends or your siblings. And if you havent been able to, then maybe you need some counselling to help you move forward.

What happened to you wasnt fair and wasnt your choice but everything happening to now is in your sphere of control. You can build a life of love and connection you might just need some support to learn how. But wallowing in the past wont help

"but i think you are massively distasteful to compare your struggle to Preston Daveys."

How exactly is me being raped as a child different to Preston being raped as a child?

I compared our sexual abuse which was similar in a lot of ways.

Explain your strange logic

I think you should be ashamed to write to victims of Child sexual abuse like that

OP, if you were severely abused as a child, you are 100% “allowed” to note that you and Preston Davey are both abuse victims. I don’t know why people have a problem with that.

i understand not wanting to volunteer with children, but I think volunteering in some way would be beneficial to you, even if it’s not connected to children. It will give your brain something else to think about instead of ruminating on your past, and I think it would help your self-esteem to know that you’re making a positive difference in the world.

Some unusual threads on Mumsnet today.