Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

? Are you OK?

Wonderful, thanks hope you are too

I have reported this thread. Troll hunting not allowed for obvious reasons. But sometimes it's just nice to name a spade a spade and all that.

I've reported you.

Jog on

Back to the kind posts.

Thanks for sharing that. It's very helpful.

Well done on all you've achieved.

Also it's great that you are volunteering for that charity. I'm proud of you

No need to report me, I had already reported my post to MN for troll hunting
😂

Yes nature and meditation are lovely arent they. I've just gone for a walk. I'm walking to a park right now

Hey, sorry you feel this way - it sucks and I've been there momentarily throughout life.

I really recommend watching or listening to Eckhart Tolle (or similar). Your current mindset isn't going to help you get the enjoyment out of life that you deserve!

Thanks i read Eckhart book a while ago. Not for a while. I must read it again

Just the opposite, this website is filled with suffering humans. Do you have problem with people who suffer?

By deciding to change my attitude to life.

I experienced severe childhood neglect and abuse, rape as a teenager, domestic violence in my 20s, debt and infertility in my 30s but then at 33 I made a decision to change my life and change my luck. And it took a lot of hard work but by 35 it had all changed.

I used positive thinking, visualisation and manifestation practices to change my fortune, my career, my relationships and my financial situation.

I have my dream job, live in a lovely home, have a wonderful DH and DD. I’m happy and don’t dwell on my terrible childhood or the things I never had. And I owe all of it to myself.

It might not be a popular view but I think it’s a choice - not as a child of course but as an adult. You can choose to be happy, to be positive, to be a force for good in the world, to focus on the tiny things you have to be grateful for (and soon you’ll have big things to be grateful for). Or you can stay in a spiral of self pity and sadness and keep attracting more bad things into your life.

Take back control, stop focusing on what you don’t have, start with gratitude for what you do have. Your life, your health, a chance - all things poor Preston Davey had stolen from him.

Abused children do blame themselves, absolutely. Because they see adults as being more knowing, and somehow superior. But when you are an abused child, you grow into an adult who then has choices - you can internalise what your abuser made you feel (worthless, usually) or you can ‘think’ your way out of it, rather than feel. This is a great thing!

You mention Good Will Hunting - and the brilliant scene where Robin Williams’ character keeps repeating to Matt Damon’s character that it’s not his fault. It’s a powerful scene. But I think may be more powerful to question our feelings, rather than waiting for someone else to tell us what is or isn’t true. I mean, if the Robin Williams character wasn’t such a nice guy, and told Matt Damon that it WAS his fault, it would have been a very different movie, right? Poor old Matt mightn’t ever have left for a bright future with Minnie Driver!

But imagine if the Matt Damon character had been able to really look objectively at himself and say ‘Hey, I was a child. I didn’t have control over anything in my life. I had no say in what adults did to me. It wasn’t my fault - I was a child and had no way out’. Then he wouldn’t have needed anyone else to tell him it wasn’t his fault.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s important not to depend solely on other people for our sense of self. Tune into your thoughts. Challenge your inner voice (if you really listen, you will find that the voice is actually someone else’s!). Check to see if there is any ‘evidence’ that supports what you are feeling. Ask your inner voice ‘who says?’ whenever it says anything negative.

Find your own voice OP. She is in there.

OP having read your whole thread my heart goes out to you. What happened to you when you were 7 and beyond is tbh beyond the comprehension of most people in terms of how horrific it was and how much unbelievable courage you have. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

For anyone that has posted nasty/unkind stuff on this thread when the OP has already explained the borrific abuse she experienced as a small child...you should be deeply, deeply ashamed.

I totally agree! Show some empathy ffs!!!

All we can do is make the best of the situation we have.

Most people have difficult times. Many people have some really shit hard times.

Comparison is the thief of joy regardless of what time you’re in.

What I’ll never do is begrudge a child for having something I don’t.

My aim is to protect my children from the shit times I had, the abusive crap I had to live with.

Stewing over things in the past of things out of my control won’t serve me in any positive way at all.

I can absolutely see why the death and media coverage of Preston would trigger you. Only when someone has walked in your shoes would they appreciate the huge impact it has had on you when you’re subjected to abuse; when you can’t have a normal childhood like your friends and peers. I had a less than perfect childhood, although no physical or sexual abuse. Just emotional neglect. And it follows you around. I actually get more upset about it now than I did in my twenties. But I guess all you can do is move forward, because you can’t change the past. How you do it though, I’ve no idea.

I don't begrudge them having it. I just think 'why couldn't I have had it'.

I know it's pointless. But I think everyone would like a mother and father. Everyone would like a childhood where they weren't sexually abused.

I'm just tired. It's been 42 years of a long, hard slog.

This is a hard read, I can tell you what I did. I don’t know if it will help.

i was very badly abused. I won’t go into detail. But as an adult I’ve a happy life. My own family. A successful job.

i never fhouvht I was the issue, i always felt it was them. I had good friends and was popular. No one knew what happened at home. We also lived in severe poverty.

when I left, I told everyone what fhey did, not for sympathy or understanding. I wasn’t interested in that.But to shame them. And I’m now no contact.

i don’t think on it. If I find myself mentally going there, which I do every now and again, i immediately tell myself not to think about it, and I think about something else. I tell myself it was all them, it was literally nothing to do with me, I didn’t cause it, as a child I couldn’t stop it. And I crack on with my life. Which has been lovely ans such a relief not to deal with that anymore. To live life on my terms.

my brother wallows in it, can’t let it go, he’s single, an alcoholic, drug abuse, crime.as he can’t let it go and focus on living his life. We are both in our fifties.

my life has been happy, successful and full of love. I am I guess very resilient.ive a hard job that doesnt phase me. The stress doesn’t bother me, it would most, because nothing is as stressful as my child hood. My family is my husband and my child. I’ve never wished for different parents or family. It means my child has no family my side, and that’s fine, she’s lots of friends and my husbands family.

so if I could give any advice, it’s you need to try to stop focusing on it, and instead focus on living your life.you only get one shot at it. And only you can make it a good one.

give yourself 10mmins a day to think about it. Then move on. Don’t allow yourself to keep thinking about it. Then make it five mins. Then five mins ever second day and so on, till you stop.

its the only way, as wishing,focusing, therapy isn’t working.so now you need to do something different,

Op, I had mostly the same, abusive father, worn out and indifferent dm.
No long standing intimate relationship, just men who always have their own greedy agenda, so I got rid of them. In the end I gave up looking. Why waste all that effort?

So I focused on career, income etc. Then at 44 found myself pregnant. I had ds, and have spent 18 years having a fab time loving and raising ds. Soon he will leave and I'll start over.

Remember, happiness doesn't have to be in the form of a man. xx

The OP does not have to share all the details of her childhood with you. The point she was clearly making is that so many children suffer horrific abuse and it’s difficult to come to terms with that. You should never try and force someone to talk about the abuse they have suffered for your benefit.

OP I think the suggestions of volunteering with children are really great - it could be a chance to heal your inner child by helping to love and nuture others who need it. I think nurturing others is a fantastic way of healing past traumas because you get to experience that in some way, even if it's from you to another living being. Even plants give you that benefit, and obviously animals too <3 The way my dog looks up at me with pure love melts my heart.

If you're doing a lot of ruminating, I've found that when a thought pops up when I don't want it to, I sort of acknowledge it and thank it for popping up and tell it to go away. Sounds weird but it can work - also giving yourself a time each day to have all those thoughts means you can tell your brain that there is a space for those thoughts later.

I hope you find the peace you deserve. I care about you OP! 😊

Reading your posts i hear a very strong resilient individual looking for empathy and support that has that also has the desire to make changes to experience more happiness.

I agree with a lot of advice shared by PP that talked about focusing on immediate problems and looking for 'glimmers' of positivity.

You clearly have some great insight in what does and doesn't work for you.

One of the insights I noticed was where you talked about enjoying being out in nature and this sounded like it felt positive. Does your current job involve this at all? There's a whole range of careers that could be open to you here and be fulfilling.

You also talked about loneliness. I appreciate this won't be right for everyone but the companionship and comfort and sometimes joyful unconditional love from pets has helped get me through some very tough lonely periods in my life. Might this be something open to you potentially?

So it’s for you to learn to love or whatever

But you have already proven you are breaking the cycle and you aren’t using generational trauma as an excuse to make other people’s lives hell - you are already stronger than them 🌷

Or whatever