Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP. To answer your question I suppose life is unfair because everything happens randomly. That's not a satisfactory answer I know. For what it's worth I was very unhappy throughout my teens and twenties too. I had no friends. In my 30s I pushed myself to go to college and my life improved.

You need to decide whether you will be a "glass half empty or half full" person I think.

Yes you were dealt some really shitty cards BUT you also got some great ones so focus on those.

I won't suggest what they are - have a reflection on it yourself and list the positives you got.

@MyFastZebra I don’t think there’s much point pondering why life is “unfair”. It just is (or at least, it’s different for everyone, noting that difference may not be unfairness dependent on how you view it).

As a previous poster has suggested, we can’t change the hand we’ve been dealt we just need to play with it.

In terms of putting it into perspective, I saw something recently along the lines of independent of how little money / wealth we have, independent of our living standards, independent of our medical needs or education access etc etc, anyone living in the UK is already in the top 10% of the population globally and has orders of magnitudes better standards of living to even our grandparents never mind those that lived in the 1900s or before…

…. we really are living and most people forget how comfortable they are compared to most including those that have gone before us

I think OPs main issue is the lack of love and care in her childhood not her living standards.

You can live in poverty and be loved and feel love and that is worth its weight in gold. You can be rich and abused.

A comparison of ‘I didn’t get to go on holidays with my friends’ and then going onto mention an abused and murdered baby did jar a bit. I am normally quite compassionate but, well, it’s probably one of the worst cases of child abuse we’ve ever seen!

I don't think that EVERYONE in the UK is in the top 10 percent globally. There are a lot of people using food banks in the UK.

I remember a thread from a single dad on mumsnet just last week saying that he couldn't afford food for his child.

But one positive of the UK is that we are not living in a war zone, like some other countries are

Theres always one. That's weird.

You picked one sentence I wrote out of many sentences that I wrote.
I also wrote that I grew up in poverty, had no parents, no granddparents and I was sexually abused.

But you just chose the sentence where I wrote about not being able to go on holiday when I was young. Why. That wasn't even about just not being able to go on holiday. It's that I never got to enjoy my young life at all. And now all my young years are gone

I agree op

But I guess this is broadly my point; we can’t do anything for Preston now, but you can do something for other children. Life doesn’t work in a concept of fair or unfair, it isn’t a court of law and we all recognise this.

I do stand by my view that comparing yourself to a murdered infant is somewhat insensitive though!

How is it insensitive? I think that's such a weird take. We both went through severe child abuse. I never wrote that my child abuse was exactly the same severity as his.

I said that I was thinking about him and about all the other abused children out there

Ffs

Well, yes. And not being able to meet with extended family. Poverty is awful but not unusual (sadly.)

Anyway, I don’t want to turn your thread into an argument. It can be hard overcoming adversity but you have had a chance to do so at least. Person didn’t have that, did he?

OP im sorry that you feel that you have had a hard life but please dont bring up that little boys name. A comparison could have been made without making a specific reference to him. I feel very uncomfortable with your post.

OP I have read some of your responses
can you try to ignore the bitchy ones and focus on the kinder ones ? A small step towards being more positive ?

I’m sorry you went through all of that, it sounds like you had a terrible childhood, you deserved better. Getting over an abusive childhood takes decades but it is possible to gain some sense of normalcy.

To answer your question life is neither fair nor unfair, it just is, but adopting a victim mindset of the unfairness of it all is hugely damaging to healing. For me that healing came in becoming a mother myself and wanting to do better for my own DC’s - lots of self help books, some counselling and lots of EMDR therapy.

The existential aloneness never goes away but I can cope with anything life throws at me because I have to, I am strong and resilient, there’s no village to help me pick up the pieces. It’s a cliche but self-care, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and self-love is a big part of rising above the circumstances of your childhood.

Oh my god. Did you miss the bit where OP says her mum was abusive??????

Abuse is not a race to the bottom, all abuse puts child at risk. Some die, some grow up to be adults who have to live with what happened to them.

I'll bring up his name if I want to. He has made me think about other children's child abuse and what children go through. Its important tha this name is remembered. I think we all need to help improve the child abuse situation if we can

Yes I will try to focus on the kinder responses. Thank you.

Thank you for that message.

Yes I think the biggest poverty is lack of love. Didn't mother Teresa say that?

Aw well done on going back to college

Thank you yes nature is a good idea. I'll go out for a walk in a forest

Life can be very unfair I agree.
I’m sorry you experienced all of this.
How is your life currently? Do you like it or are there things you’d love to change about it?
Maybe concentrating on looking to the future would help to quieten your mind about your past. I’m not intending that to be a trite comment by the way, it’s just a suggestion that dwelling on something you cannot change is rarely helpful.

Not great. I don't have a partner or kids. I work in a workplace where I am getting bullied by managers.

I feel like because I had no love and care, I am quite weak. Being weak often attracts bullies as I don't know how to stand up for myself

That's another thing I have found in life. When people found out what I went through they are usually never caring, they usually try to bully me because they see me as weak.

This is in workplaces when I am an adult too

I agree life isn’t fair. Lots of people have a hard start in life, but it makes some people stronger and spurs them on to bigger and better things,Lots of people have a great start in life with loads of money and so on but it still effects them, You can choose either to be a victim or a survivor. Don’t let your past define you.

What makes you think you understand my previous life? Clumsy comment. 🙄