Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

My thoughts are that you had children despite having a very hard start in life.
You can clearly see what a blessing it is to have family and close ties. Many people - especially those with them - don’t know this. They don’t know what they have until it’s gone. You have learnt the hard way.
You know what it means to your children to have you there in their lives; you clearly had a relationship with someone at some point to have those children so I am not sure you are as alone as you feel.

You aren’t alone in any case - you have children. The world needs more people like you, who know what love is and who know how important it is.
Be kinder to yourself. Life isn’t fair or the same for each person- we are all unique and have different qualities; I have found that those from more unusual situations have far better outlooks on life as adults actually; I suspect much of what you have learnt in your life will become apparent in your children - I expect you are a wonderful mother 🩷

@MyFastZebra , from everything you've written here I think you need a very honest conversation with your doctor, with a view to accessing real help. Noone should live in misery and although services are not currently what they should be, you need IRL support and help.

Re bullying at work. No it's not me. My boss is just a bully. Several other people have reported her for bullying them. She gets away with it

I've done that loads of times though and they just either don't listen or advise me to go for therapy. And every therapist I've been to has been so unhelpful. Really awful.

Or they put me on anti depressants. I felt really spaced out the last time I was on anti depressants and I couldn't remember anything. I need to remember things in my job

You don't need loonies like Teal Swan in your life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teal_Swan

My best friend at school had a nervous breakdown at uni and was recruited by godsquadders who for some reason back in those days (1980s) were allowed to trawl the mental health units looking for easy targets.

She recovered to some extent but was forever rendered odd by the evangelical cults she was recruited into.

You have your own answers OP. Just listen a bit more closely.

Not sure if this is relevant, but:

If you're in the NHS, find another job

If you're in London, leave

Thanks for your advice though

Thanks! I'm not in NHS. But I do need to get another job. It's hard to know what job is full of bullies until you're in one. My last job, I had a lovely manager. In the job before that, I had a bully. Now I'm back with a difficult manager. Sigh

I'm going to try to be in nature more. Nature is very peaceful

I’m sorry to hear of the awful troubled life you have been through, I didn’t have nearly half the pain it sounds like you have but it wasn’t all smooth sailing either, still far from it!

I do try my best not to let it consume me though, I quite literally have to force the happiness and motivation some days, fake it until you make it sort of mind set.
because we all deserve to feel peace, happiness and love and sometimes were the only person who can make ourselves feel that way!

I think historical context is very useful when considering one’s life. I had a horrible childhood but my goodness ow I’m older, and I reflect, when I think of the random luck I had in being born in England in the latter part of the 20th century I thank the universe.
Who knows what is the purpose of life? I am so grateful for the fact I’m not a starving peasant, a child climbing up a chimney or having limbs ripped off in machines or living through war. Try to acknowledge your luck and make your life worthwhile by making a difference rather than see the negatives.

That helps me too. It's a really good idea.

This is a wonderful idea, and my go to if I need a pick me up!

nature really is a massive help

YANBU

Some people don’t realise how privileged they are to have had a childhood free from abuse, neglect or poverty.

Just having a support system is massively important.

If you look in prisons you will see how the vast majority of them have either been in care or had a traumatic childhood.

Trauma can change the brain permanently.

It’s not wallowing in self pity to recognise that you’ve had things harder than many others.

But there will always be those who have had it much harder and so it helps to try and be grateful for the thing you do have/can do.

E.g you can obviously see, read and write and seem pretty intelligent.
There will be people who went through similar to you but who cannot see or be illiterate and so their life is even more challenging.

@MyFastZebra OP you had some sympathy from me about your circumstances until you equated yourself to Preston.
You have had 42 years of life- he had 13 months
You have had the opportunity to learn things, experience things change your circumstances by choice when you became an adult- he did not.
Make a plan for your life and try to improve things and do not compare yourself to that poor little sexually abused murdered baby.

Great, so you now know for a fact that it’s her issues and that she’s a nasty cow, and it’s not you or her perception of you as being weak.

And finding calmness in nature is a wonderful start. I do the same with the sea. You just have to find what works for you.

Re the anti depressants, how long did you give them for the side effects to ease off? Did you ask your GP to try you on a different type? I can’t cope with Citalopram but Fluoxetine works wonders for me.

Thanks for being kind. Anti depressants have always made me space out and lose my memory.

That's good that you are getting on well with flouxetine

I think its almost impossible to feel so utterly alone as a child growing up and change that way of thinking as an adult, even if you then have axrelationship and children as an adult. That extreme loneliness goes through you like writing inside a stock of rock. I dont think theres a way of getting rid of it.
I think @MyFastZebrajust wants and needs to be heard. To be recognised as a person who had a fucking awful start in life. To be recognised as a person who has had a real shit time and continues to suffer to this day. Just to be heard and listened to. And to be shown kindness, and sympathy and comfort. A lot of comfort. Only then will the op maybe, hopefully be able to even imagine trying to heal, trying to treat themselves with kindness and feel some hope.

I really hope you can get there @MyFastZebra. You totally deserve it 💐

Stop focussing on what other people have and count your blessings. Literally. Gratitude is a skill you can develop.

In all fairness, that's a job for a therapist, not random people in an online forum.

How do you feel worth something when you've always been told that you are not lovable or worth anything..

Thats what I want to work on

Oh no way. Therapists are awful in my experience.

A woman I work with told me that she went to a therapist recently and came out more depressed than she went in.

I think it's better to talk to people who have actually been through the same things. That includes people on a chat forum