Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Life was unfair to Preston Davey?

Comparing your past to Preston Davey is insensitive in the extreme.

I am so sorry this has been your experience. Trauma leaves such an impact and it sounds like you experienced several ACES - adverse childhood events, known to have a long term
impact. Can you source therapy? You can’t change the past - which is unfair - but you can shape your future . Best of luck going forward.

It's not at all insensitive. He made me think about this.

About the horrors that so many children go through

Thank you. I've been to therapy and it hasn't worked for me.

I'm more wondering, those of you who had very little support in life, how did you get through life?

I sympathise OP, but fair or unfair, you have to play the hand you’re dealt. You are 42, there is healing and living to be done, only you can do that. Take steps to improve what you can, one small thing at a time. Or keep ruminating on how unfair things are. The choice is yours.

I’m really sorry but this is what you have said

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey

So you have said Preston Davey is ‘similar to you.’ Preston Davey was repeatedly sexually assaulted and killed as a direct result to this.

I have not seen any mention of this in your OP. You have said your mother was abusive and I am sorry about this. I do think perhaps you have an idealised version of young people’s experiences. Yes, many will have a fairly uncomplicated time of things but plenty won’t. My own mother died when I was 16; of course it was very sad and meant I didn’t get to do many of the rites of passages you go through as a teen and young adult.

But the worst thing you can do is sink into a mire of self pity. Therapy inadvertently sometimes encourages this with a fixation on the past rather than a focus on the future.

If you really feel motivated to help children like Preston, why not look into how you can do that through family support work, even fostering. Preston’s happy times were with his foster family, after all.

I agree with you in one way. But in another way I don't really agree that it is a choice.

Very traumatic childhoods are often too much for people to overcome. My brother had the same childhood as me. He is talking about wanting to do euthanasia. He sees no point at all in loving.

I was just reading Marilyn Monroe's book. She also had a similar childhood to me. Absent father, abusive mother. She never got over the trauma, had a terrible adulthood and does young.

I think it's good to talk about traumatic lives as a lot of people are not able to cope. Talking about the pain is sometimes a good step

Honestly? I just don't dwell on it. I've been an adult now for a lot longer than I was a child in an abusive household. I'm in charge of my destiny and I've had a great adulthood. A couple of my siblings really dwell on the past and spend all their time blaming our childhood for their crap life. I think if you can just put it behind you and get on with things, look for the positive, you can change your life. Out of the five of us kids, the three who forgave and moved on are doing a lot better than two who seem to be replicating the household we grew up in, with violence and addiction.

Life is unfair
life is usually a struggle
you don’t always get what you want or even need
these are keys lessons parents need to teach children

I have a friend who is severely physically disabled- she can be exhausted for the day after making herself a cup of tea. She can’t travel more than an hour or so before the pain becomes unbearable. Why? It’s so dreadful unfair. But she gets on with it.

you only get one shot and one hand. You need to make the best of it however crap. and you can’t change the past you can only hope to steer the future. Experience joy now. Try and make up the time.

And people are more likely to like and care for you if you are a more positive person - catch 22 I know

. But yes it is unfair.

I haven't included all of my abuse in my OP. But yes I was also sexually assaulted over a long time like many abused children are.

The point is that Preston Davey suffered severe cruelty and sexual abuse. And also a lack of love. It made me upset thinking of him, thinking of myself and thinking of other people I know who went through horrible lives. It's just awful

Ah I’m sorry I can’t answer that. However, I have seen therapy be hugely effective with people I’ve worked with. The therapist and the type of therapy is really important - I’d suggest attachment or trauma focused work maybe with ACT or CFT lens with a fully qualified psychologist/psychotherapist. The 8 sessions of CBT online with someone who doesn’t have a very robust background is unlikely to be effective and is often what’s offered on NHS.

Life is unfair, to most of us, at some point. Few lead a totally charmed life. We just need to get over the obstacles, stress, grief, whatever. 🤷‍♀️

Life is unfair. You are right that some people have gilded lives and others grow up picking over rubbish dumps in India or Cuba. All you can do is focus on making your own life better. Get a better job, make your home a comfortable sanctuary, join Meetup and go for walks.
I’m not being glib I have also had adversity. Looking back constantly will only blight the rest of your precious life. Allow yourself to feel compassion for the child you were but try to make a better future.

I think sometimes it’s helpful to try and be the person you would have needed, maybe volunteering would help you?
Its ok to be frustrated at the disparity in the world but those feelings ultimately won’t help you aside from understanding why you are how you are.

I didn't interpret op's comment that way. I read it as her giving an example of another abused child who had no one to care for him.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time op, I work with Care Leavers and have seen the lifelong suffering an abusive childhood creates. However I think you should give yourself credit. You have survived, and that's more than many with your background have been able to do. So many of the young people I work with become homeless, are addicts or cannot find the strength to go on

Left field suggestion but I have seen nature helping some young people we work with. Do you have a garden? Or a local project you could get involved with? Or could you manage a small pet?

I totally disagree and find your comment totally insensitive. The op is telling us she’s experiences horrible abuse and had no one to protect her, in common with Preston and many other children who’s stories make the news, plenty who don’t. If this is what you feel you need to post, I think you should reflect a little.

@MyFastZebra, I’m sorry and it’s ok to feel sad. I wonder since you have had that affinity with meditation in the past, have you ever explored it as an adult?

I’m so sorry you were dealt a shitty hand OP. I also have some traumas from my childhood, perhaps not as bad as you, but I didn’t grow up a happy child.

However, as soon as I could, I made it my mission to improve my life and do things that make me happy. I started supporting myself at 16, so I know what you mean about burdens and responsibilities. However, about 10 years after that, I had arrived at a professional and financial level that allowed me to treat myself to things I liked too. Travel makes me happy, so I’ve been doing lots of it as soon as I could afford it.

What makes you happy? How can you start doing more of it?

I also don't have that close person or family member that will stand up for me. It’s unfair, sure. But I’ve learnt to enjoy life and look for happiness as much as I can, amongst the crap that is generally around.

@MyFastZebra I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I have no experience of this, I’m just here to say what an amazing survivor you are. You should be so proud of yourself and your resilience for making it this far without any family support. And I agree, life is not fair. But there are millions of people worse off. Comparing yourself with the millions who are better off is always going to make you feel shit. Try flipping it. I’m not trying to minimise your suffering—just offer a strategy that may help you to feel better about your life.
You are here. You are alive. There is joy to be found, but I understand it’s not easy.
If the therapist you have used has not worked for you, please try a different one. Not all are the same and there might be a different approach that could help you.
Edited to say, please try reading ‘The Choice’ by Edith Eger. It’s a brilliant book.

I have had adversity in my life too, but childhood abuse is a different ballgame because the brain becomes wired very differently as a result of the stress during development. It can't be overcome like adversity in adulthood or even adolescence can through determination and outlook.

Don’t be so unsympathetic!!!!!! OP has poured her heart out and that’s your reply???

I felt nothing but sadness and sympathy reading that, you should be ashamed!!!!!

There is a difference between not living a charmed life and child absue which is what the OP has experienced. Your comment is disgusting.

It just comes down to luck i suppose - what will be gained by dwelling on it. You say you’ve tried therapy and it’s not for you, and thats fine, I don't think it helps everyone, but perhaps you could explore a different/better type of therapy? I think I’d try to reframe your thinking or you will taint the next 42 years of your life. We are all alive at an incredible time in human history, with amazing yet everyday assets only really being available to mankind in the last 50 -100 years, some things much less. You have clean running water on tap - years ago you’d have had to walk to a well or river, you have a heated house in winter, you’d have had to chop wood or dig coal. Food in abundance, you'd have starved without being able to farm/hunt. Access to all sorts of information and entertainment via technology, travel is available and relatively cheap - imagine how long it would tale to get 50 miles on a horse! Health care - we now survive things that would have been fatal even 20 years ago. There’s a lot to be grateful for if you want to see it.