Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Why you ashamed? You've done great, even without someone who's had the past you have had and you're still doing great.
As for fun... get yourself out there, do something you've fancied but never got round to doing, no time like now :-)

If you read further in the thread, I wrote that I was sexually assaulted as a child.

I was first raped at age 7.

I wasn't murdered like Preston. I never said I was. I also never once wrote that my abuse was the same level as Preston's. Obviously and I will write it again, his abuse was worse than mine.

You'd think that I wrote that I was laughing at Preston Davey, the way some people are going on here. It's so weird.

I actually wrote that hearing about Preston made me very upset. I cried for him, and for all the abused children out there, including myself and my brother.

Maybe you should you know, be angry at Preston's abusers, not at me

Am always amazed how many people on MN go on tangents in order to go on the attack, ignoring facts or helping the OP at all.

Their lives must be very unhappy to make themselves feel 'bigger' by bringing others down.

See above, that applies to you.

She didn't say anything in the way you've taken it.
She also didn't grow up with a loving mother, as you put it.

Give it a rest.

Yes I'm comparing our sexual abuse. He was sexually abused from a young age and so was I.

Do you have a problem with me writing that? Why?

Bizarrely for me ..I spent a lifetime on antidepressants..that didn't work
And only going on ritalin have I been able to see the wood from the trees.
I'm so much calmer and less emotional..able to not care about things .
I know people need a diagnosis of ADHD to get ritalin ..
But there might be something, medication wise that helps ..
It might be worth another chat with your doctor

Do you have any ideas why? What sort of therapy was it? Are you ND?

Life is unfair. But it’s also what we make it and focusing on the past and what went wrong is seldom helpful. You’ve obviously got a lot of inner strength, but it sounds like you are in a rumination cycle.

radical acceptance might help you. Usually when we ruminate, we are seeking ways to make things ok. But your past wasnt ok. By accepting that and then deciding what would be helpful for you to focus on now, you can start building things into your day that help you now. It’s true terrible things are happening in the world. But so are wonderful things. Everyday people help each other, smile and wave, show love and care in millions of small ways. We don’t report them on the news, but we can all be pleased to live in a world where these things are possible m, even if we weren’t lucky enough to have them then. I find it helps to imagine younger me, and then visualise adult me giving her a cuddle and reassurance.

it might be worth trying a different type of therapy.

Maybe instead of you being strangely annoyed at me, when i wrote that I'm upset at what Preston went through.....

You're being very insensitive.

Maybe instead You could go and actually do something to help children

Gosh this post has took a turn...
That's not good for the OP

I think that therapy is a very crude tool. Therapists that give therapy often haven't been through the same things themselves and don't know how to talk about it.

I don't feel that talking about something to a stranger that doesn't understand what you are saying is helpful.
I went to about five therapists. I don't feel like any of them helped me. I felt worse after a couple of them . One therapist I went to was really awful.

i grew up in an abusive family too OP. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, and our father allowed it. All I wanted when I was a child was to be a grown up, so that I could make my own choices, my own money, my own mistakes. I was able to put myself between my mother and younger siblings sometimes as I got older, but it was horrible. I am now 53 and divorced. No kids - I decided when I was a teenager that it would be too risky, in case I turned out like my mother somehow. It took a long time to come from my divorce, financially. I rent a tiny house, and every day I marvel that I am grown up and in charge of my own life. I decided a long, long time ago that I wasn’t going to let my past take any more from me than it already had. I am no/low contact with almost everyone in my immediate family. I am close-ish with my youngest brother, but I don’t depend on him as I don’t think it’s fair to do that to another person.

I can honestly say I am happy most of the time. My life is mine now, and I decide who I share it with. I cultivate creative hobbies and interests and have a small but lovely circle of friends that I have built friendships with over the past 30 years. If I could give you one piece of advice OP, it would be to not allow your past to rule who you are now. Allowing that means you are powerless to change anything, and that’s not the case. When you were a child, other people were in charge. They’re not any more - you are. You cannot change the past, but you can use it to remind yourself to own your life and your future. Own those things - they are yours.

Life WAS unfair. Now, whatever it is, is up to you.

Thanks. I just feel like it's too late. I'm 42. Ive got to try to get out of that mindset.

It's not too late. It's not too late.

Decide not to be like your family, I'm a believer in that you get to an age where you can choose to be like those around you or follow a different path. You need to look forward not back, work hard in a job, any job as long as it's legal earnings, retrain to something you enjoy doing in life.

Not everyone wants or needs to aim high.

Ya, life can be so unfair, can't it. I hear you, I have an autoimmune illness myself and it's upsetting when you don't have the same experience as others your age.

My advice would be to get yourself around the right people, whether it's through a back to work scheme or through some other means. Life can be unfair but I do think it becomes a bit easier and more enjoyable if you are around the right people. People who understand and empathise with you and who may be dealing with stuff of their own.

Friends in a similar position can give you support along the way and you may even end up really enjoying your life when you have like minded people to chat and laugh along with. You could try and do a course or training scheme maybe. Stay safe also when meeting new people of course but it could be worth a try!

I have a diagnosis of CPSTD as a result of a difficult childhood and a number of traumatic life events as an adult and like you OP i can sometimes feel that life has dealt me a bad hand. I have had a lot of therapy and to an extent it has helped and given me tools to manage bad days and negative self talk. I had EMDR to help me process one particular traumatic event and while I wlll never forget what happened to me it toned down the colours of my memories until they became a faded sepia rather than a technicolour drenched nightmare. I try to practice gratitude to celebrate small triumphs and to give to others the kindness and attention that i feel was not mine on many occasions in my iife. Does it work?, well not all the time because of course I am an imperfect person but it can make me feel more postiive and in control. Life is unfair, many people are the walking wounded who have had blow after blow. What we can do is try to be kind and that includes being kind to ourselves, in fact especially to ourselves. I am sorry to hear of all that you have been though and I hope that you find some peace

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, but you are talking about something which happened 24 years ago now. No-one's life is fair, some have it much worse than others, but everyone has times when they can wallow on the past or pick ourselves up and move forward. My husband grew up in an abusive home, went straight from living with abusive parents to an abusive relationship with his ex-wife and MIL, and felt like his life was over by his mid-twenties. Instead of giving up, he went out, got educated, worked hard in his career, moved out on his own, got a divorce, took time to reflect and work on his self-esteem, and tried again. He built his own village of supportive people over time. He's now in a happy marriage and we own a home.

His sister has spent her life saying that her life is awful and she can't do better because her childhood was so bad, but she has never taken any meaningful steps to improve her life, just says that the reason she's never achieved anything isn't her fault.

They are both older than you. You can use your 40s now to think about how unfair your life has been or you can start looking at where your life NOW isn't as you want it to be and start working on that.

Thanks for sharing. I think sharing with people, even anonymous strangers, can help.

Thanks. I know. I want to do that. I keep wishing I had a mother, father, grand parents. And I know it is a waste of time wishing for what I won't ever have.

I've got to accept it. Not everyone is going to have those people in their lives.

I keep thinking what is the point in my life. But maybe I'll inspire someone some day that I was able to get through life without parents. Maybe I'll be an inspiration to some other abused child when they grow up. I do want to volunteer with children/help children but not sure how. Every voluntary option near me seems to be with adults

Yes, your life was shit as a child.

Yes, you don't have the happiest one as an adult.

Was it your fault those horrible things happened to you?

Can you change that those horrible things happened to you?

Can you change those horrible people into nice ones?

You can't.

Does it help you to ruminate upon those horrible people, their words, deeds and what they led you to think about yourself?

It doesn't.

Can you accept that they happened, it was awful and unfair and you didn't deserve it and it's led to some other shitty things happening as an adult - but refuse to let those arseholes fuck up your future as well?

Compartmentalisation gets a hard time from some people, but when the alternative is staying locked in those previous experiences and having absolute bastards continue to fuck things up, it can be very useful to be able to say

'That was then, it was shit, I'm not there having those things being done to me now, so I'm going to place those memories and feelings just over <there> because I've got far nicer things I want to think about and do now'.

It can help you to mentally separate dealing with arseholes now as a nuisance but, in the great scheme of things, they're nothing compared to what you've got through before and they are nothing to your sense of self worth and value as a human being, just mere gnats in your existence.

So therapists use different approaches, have different styles and work towards different goals. And like any profession, some are more experienced and effective than others. If you went to five counsellors who all work the same way, it’s not likely to be helpful.

and I have to respectfully push back on people only being able to understand it they’ve experienced it themselves. An experienced psychologist or psychotherapist should be able to empathise regardless. And again, very respectfully, you dont know what the therapist’s experience is. It’s not appropriate for them to share but lots of people get into the field to understand their own experiences.

There’s also a massive difference between empathetic understanding of your past, and encouraging you to refocus on the future. It’s ok to feel sad about your past and bad for yourself. But it’s not helpful to focus on it excessively so that it stops you having any joy at all in life.

Feelings are feelings - they are not facts. Who says it’s too late? What is the reason/reasons that it’s too late? There’s no actual evidence that it’s too late. Just a feeling 🤷🏼‍♀️

You can’t have a mother father grandparents aunts uncles and cousins. At least not the type of people you want.

You CAN have people around you who are loving and supportive. You might not feel that way, but feelings aren’t facts.

It's hard not to fall into a pity party for myself.

As I keep thinking, I so dearly want a father. I want a mother. I keep thinking it. It's what I want so badly.

It's hard to accept. I think I need to try to accept that not everyone will have a mother and father. People have parents that die young. People are put up for adoption.