Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

OP am sorry you were let down by your family so badly and the abuse, it's just too common and it's heartbreaking.
Your family, your person, could that be be your brother? Support each other, be each others good friend, the one person you can rely and relate to, sadly relating in a shared history of abuse.

Other than that, try your very best to accept what has happened and let go of the past. It sounds trite but letting go can help and remember none of this was your fault, you were just a vulnerable child. It's not easy but take step by step, day by day and remember that you are no longer vulnerable and you are your greatest asset. Can do something that makes you smile, however tiny - don't know what you are in to. Do something for you job wise if unhappy with working life. Do something home wise. Plant a flower, paint a room a bright colour, plan a holiday, the holiday you didn't get at 18, you still deserve it. Can you afford to keep a pet? They are just fabulous for the soul, my late cat literally kept me sane a few years ago when my world was falling apart. Sometimes these little things, as daft as it is, can start to have a positive affect on our lives.

If therapy didn't work, there are other therapists and also types of therapy, you could try something/someone new.

Sending hugs and I do hope you find a way to have some peace, your brother too.

Edited, sorry, read about your brother. Am sorry not at all close.

I very much understand you, my mum and stepdad were heroin addicts and me and my 4 siblings were finally taken into foster care and children's homes when I was a teenager. My elder sister took her own life at 22 and my other siblings, including myself, have all suffered various mental health problems over the years.

Despite everything, focusing on what's within my power to change and appreciating what I have has really helped me get out of some slumps. I'm not spiritual at all but I have strong values and it fills me with pride and love when I see them in my son. For years I felt the world was unfair because I kept having miscarriages. A second child never came but now I appreciate my healthy son and I've accepted that it wasn't meant to be.

I was a bright kid and got a scholarship to a private high school, I used to be so envious of the seemingly perfect lives my friends had while I had nothing. It wasn't until we got older that I saw how everyone has their package to carry, from s*xual abuse, neglect, physical abuse. Money just helps people cover it up a little better.

It's fine to feel disappointed, sad, and like the world isn't fair but it's poisonous to stay in rumination. Life is hard, struggles are part of it. Some people get an easier deal to start with, some people get lucky later on.

Some people here are rather proving OP's point which is that when a child is abused to the extent they die, everyone wrings their hands and feels very sad and there's lots of outpouring of care and concern. Yet how many other children are currently in a similar position, maybe slightly less horribly abused, and nobody cares about them? OP was one of those children, that's her point. Where's the outrage and upset for all the children who did live like that and are living like that?

In a very rough patch in my life (absolutely nothing compared to what you've been through, @MyFastZebra ) I read a self-help book I'd won in a giveaway. It wasn't very good but it had one piece of advice that I did find tremendously helpful. Which was to accept that life isn't fair. Sounds obvious, sounds a bit negative, but it helped. Every day I was thinking 'I just want one thing to go right! Just one thing!' and accepting life wasn't fair helped me let go of that and feel better.

I'm so sorry no one was there for you, it must have been utterly miserable. But I think it will help you to move on and accept life isn't fair and you can't get those years back, so all you can do is move forward. As people have said, you are kind of dwelling on the unfairness of what happened to you and others - but ruminating on that doesn't change it and stops you looking upwards.

Wishing you all the best moving forwards.

If you want an example of being insensitive you need look no further than your own post on this thread.

Your comprehension skills are also in need of some work as it was obvious OP was referring to Preston Davy as an example of a child who had no-one to protect and nurture him.

I've been on MN for 15 years and I have seen an awful lot of heartless comments, but I think you may have just won top prize. You are definitely in the top 5.

Frankly, you should be ashamed.

I grew up in Belfast during the height of the Troubles. People who died were headline news. And rightly so. But for every one of them there was another one, or several, who experienced life changing injuries. Limbs blown off. Horrendous burns. Deafness. Blindness. Severe mental trauma. Yes, they are still alive. But nobody remembers them, do they? It’s not exactly the same obviously, but I can see where the OP is coming from, in that survivors of horrific abuse fade into the background. They silently carry the burden and trauma of their abuse, which can have a detrimental effect on their opportunities and experiences and cast a long shadow over every aspect of their lives.

My upbringing was much, much worse than you’ve described. I first thought about suicide when I was ten years old. Even before then I knew that I was alone, and unlike you, I’ve never felt that I was owed anything by anyone.

Life is unfair. That’s just how it is. I actually find that easier to accept because I don’t believe in God, gods, fate, or any supernatural force watching over us. The circumstances of our birth, our parents and families, and whatever happens to us in childhood, are down to luck. We don’t earn them, and we don’t deserve them.

You write as though the universe has singled you out for suffering. It hasn’t. The universe doesn’t single out anyone for suffering or have any intentions towards us. I take comfort in that.

That doesn’t stop me loving people or finding joy and meaning in my life. But it does free me from believing that the worst things that happened to me occurred because I somehow deserved them. They happened because terrible things happen, often for no reason at all.

You will do, once you start to heal a little, honestly. Your confidence will emerge. Would it be fruitful to look for another job in the mean time so the bullies at work don't sap away your spirit?

@MyFastZebra life is incredibly unfair and I am so sorry that you have had to endure some terrible experiences in your life.

You mentioned that therapy hasn’t helped. Have you explored different kinds of therapy that might help you in processing your trauma? You deserve the years ahead to be peaceful and happy and I wish you all the luck in the world in finding that.

I didn’t do that to you or anyone else so we’re all good here aren’t we then 👍 jog on.

Life IS unfair and I have every sympathy for you BUT you are 42 and although it’s not easy you need to make choices that make your life better…. each day/week and year/s.
Sometimes we can over analyse our lives when we should be busy living them.
You’ll get lots of advice on here and can Google self help information and textbooks. Balance this by listening to and reading fun stuff too.
Don’t overthink every detail of yourself - in my opinion it’s the worse thing you can do, instead build some happy things into you life - exercise, hobbies, sport, meeting with friends etc etc.
Don't look back OP look forward.

Its because unfortunately anyone can have kids. Theres people who couldnt look after a pet who have kids.
And you are pointing out that its not just a crap childhood but you are stuck with both the impact and family for life.

However probably 90% of people dont get a fun family holiday with family at 18/ or with mates etc for various reasons

You are not wrong OP. There’s a really telling video somewhere online (probably YouTube) which is a film of an exercise with high school students (in the US I think) where they are all lined up as if starting a race, and the teacher says ‘take one step forward if you grew up in a household with two parents’ and then ‘take one step forwards if your parents had a steady income’ and so on. As the questions go on, various students stop moving whilst others take one step forwards. It’s a very indicative visual of how disadvantaged (or indeed advantaged) in life that children can be due to the environment they’ve been brought up in.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult life OP. I agree with what others have said in that you can’t control the past, but you can control the future. 💐

By imitating a strong person you admire. Can be real or fictional. So someone is bitchy; in your head you visualise how x would have reacted and you do that without thinking.

On a side note- I think people are very different as to our capacity of resicilience. You can't compare to others who bounce back from horrible experiences because they are not you. I haven't had a shitty childhood (even though we didn't have money for holidays) but I have been depressed (on medication) for most of my adult life.

YANBU. Life is unfair; and it’s shit.

i had a beautiful childhood, beautiful family and now have my own beautiful family. Im in my early 30’s and im not sure i will even be alive in 5 years time due to serious illness.

i appreciate life is really difficult; but you only get one chance and then it’s gone. You could still have a beautiful life ahead.

I’m sorry OP, life really isn’t fair, think on that a lot myself. I just look forward tbh, I take a keen interest in anything that isn’t related to my own family. I’m very lucky I met a wonderful man, we aren’t perfect and I had a lot of problems and he had to provide a lot of support but we just move forward. I rarely think about my own childhood except what pops into my head sometimes. I focus on what I can be grateful for today.

I’m so sorry therapy didn’t work for you, are you sure it’s not worth another go? I found it really helpful. Trauma is very deep seated, for most people it’s not a case of just letting it go, the self hatred and self loathing often feels like it’s sunk through your skin and into your bones, it’s not easily shed.

I often look at whats in the news and my heart aches for the children no-one cared about and I look at my own daughter and the lengths I will go to for her and it always brings it home how fragile children are, how every single child should be brought into a home thats is loving and safe and how so many children around the world just don’t get that. It’s deeply sad and infuriating at the same time.

You can't 'choose'. Some people can rise above the psychological inheritance of their background, others can't. Either because the things that happened to them were just too awful or endless, or because they've been trained not to fight back, or because their particular DNA inheritance means they simply don't have the neuro-psychology to do so.

The idea that there is a moral weakness in whom people for whom adversity has not created resilience is one of the most disgusting and damaging ideologies, and it has had a global impact.

It's very convenient for people who need cover for their rapaciousness and lack of humanity to believe that, if only the vulnerable and damaged just tried a little bit harder, they could overcome their difficulties. I pullled myself up by my bootstraps - why can't you?

I guess it helps them sleep at night, in the absolute delusion that they have somehow 'earned' their position in the world through their moral character.

Fuck everyone else - they chose their lives, they're lazy/weak, and more fool them.

I deplore your worldview. It disgusts me and many others who see it as the result of a combination of personal greed and an incapacity for, or wilful blindness to, critical thinking.

It is so thoroughly unfair and I'm sorry OP. I know what you mean about missing out on a happy and carefree childhood/young adulthood. I went through domestic abuse in my teens and went on to develop a nerve pain condition in my arm which was extremely painful and would make my hand spasm whenever I used it to exertion e.g. carrying bags. Despite this I had to work long hours while at university as I got no financial support and couldn't afford to live there without work. It was so hard dealing with the pain every day but as a young person everyone thought I was fine because they couldn't see how much I was struggling. Most of my 20s were difficult in this way. I think for some of us these are the worst years and you actually feel a sort of recoil from them once you're into your thirties and the waters settle a bit.

I just think it is what it is though. Life is bitterly unfair. These are things we couldn't have changed. And it can be especially really lonely when you feel there isn't anyone who cares also. I hope you find the peace you need and are able to move forward with some positivity.

Hi OP,

life is unfair and you pointing it out is totally in your right and bringing awareness to it could potentially be helpful also to address the injustices you have suffered. I think the poster you replied to here is just saying that beyond a point you’re probably wasting your current life ruminating over what was/is genuinely unfair but cannot be changed.

I have not suffered anything like you did, but I also feel I missed out on a lot and when I look at snapshots of peoples life the unfair side comes up in my mind as well. I try to tell myself it’s a habit of past trauma and maybe you too could find things to reset your ways of thinking - first of course, you have to genuinely feel ok-ish about unresolved trauma, and try to find a purpose so that more life cannot be wasted about past suffering ❤

Well spoken! I would just add "lack of empathy" to your last sentence.

Hello OP,

I can’t relate to what you’ve said but have felt an outcast for most of my life, which has been damaging (am in no way comparing my experience to yours) but have found strength and peace in Jesus.
I see you and I care. I just want you to know that you are loved.

I had what might be described as a difficult childhood. Mom died when I was small. Dad was an alcoholic. There were some good memories, but not that many. I found therapy in later life useful, though if I am honest also a bit addictive. I also found some good trauma self help groups. One thing I heard once that lived with me came from a session I once did with Chris Akabussi. (think I have spelt that right). An Olympic athlete who had a similar childhood and spent a lot of time in care. He said the past is for reference, not for residence. In other words your past does provide you with a point of reference, but you will destroy yourself if you keep going over in your mind all the trauma you suffered, why no one helped and why the people who traumatised you did not face any consequences. You need, with support, to stop doing this. What you need to do is to live in the present.

Something I have also found useful is to be active in helping children who have suffered and abuse and also care leavers. Being active in support helped my trauma. It feels more active.

I've known children who have haunted me - the lack of love was so obvious - and I wonder what became of them. The little girl in a wealthy family who had everything materially but parents who spent as little time as possible with her. A boy who looked just like his shit of a Dad and the mum who couldn't see past that and was constantly critical and irritable towards him. A toddler who was often tense and worried looking. It doesn't have to be the worst sort of abuse to have a lifelong impact. I hope they went on to happier lives (and yes, I did raise concerns about 2 of them).

OP, life is terribly unfair. It's true that on a global scale we all have much to be grateful for in the UK. But children still suffer here.

I wish you the best and hope things get better for you. You still have so much life to live. Maybe it's time to find your anger about how you were treated? Don't let the fuckers win!

Hi Op.
Im not going to say i understand how you feel as i’ve not suffered what you have.
However i used to think life was unfair. All my school friends had relaxed jolly parents and in my childhood home we had my father’s extremely short temper, domestic violence, arguments that lasted all weekend. My mother told me she didn’t love me, only my brother.
My dad hit my mum but she stayed with him, and still does.
My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic and had been for 20 years. My family is full of negativity. I’ve decided to break the mould and not be like my parents. The things i wasn’t allowed to do as i child, i will let my daughter do (within reason). I try to love myself, meditate and find joy in small wins in daily life.
You had a tough upbringing but it doesn’t stop you from having a full, meaningful life, forming friendships, setting goals, keeping your body healthy, having food you like, and filling your days.
You lived 42 years and you might live for another 42, don’t let them be defined by your family.
Do you have many friends? I always really priorised my friendships as my family fell short. What do you want to do with your life? It isn’t too late.

I think most people understood what you were saying @MyFastZebra - it's not that your life was the exact same as poor little Preston Davey, but rather that lots of children have horrible abused childhoods, and that we only hear (and get to care about?) about the ones who end up in the news because they actually died of it.

Lots of terrible things short of dying can still happen to children and leave them with long lasting trauma.

I don't really have any advice that you haven't already had, but I hope you don't feel attacked. Some people can be shockingly lacking in empathy.